22 Kick-Ass Comebacks

Hello, toasters!
Along with the happy people excited for Valentine's Day, there are the people that hate and repel everything to do with the holiday, much like most people's reaction to a Jehovah's Witnesses house call.
I'd be fine with this 'I hate everything romantic' view if they kept it up the whole time, but it mostly just seems to depend on their current relationship status.
(Also, I know that Valentine's is an occasion made to sell cards and chocolates at extortionate prices, but I guess I'm a sheep in that respect... baaaa)
So, as Valentine's Day seems to always spark some deep-rooted arguments concerning the rather shaky roots of modern society, I have come up with 22 Kick-Ass Comebacks, with the hope that if you find yourself in an argument, you can whip one of these out and sound completely bad ass.

1. Go play in traffic.
2. If you were a Pokemon, I wouldn't choose you. Ever.
3. If you were a search engine, you'd be Bing.com.
4. I would reply with a relevant comeback, but I'm afraid I zoned out from you talking a long time ago.
5. You're as dead to me as Fred Weasley (too soon?)
6. Keep rolling your eyes, you may find a brain back there. But I won't hold my breath.
7. Have a nice day... somewhere else.
8. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? It must have done, look at what it did to your face!
9. I'm already visualising ductape over your mouth.
10. If this were Sherlock, you'd be Anderson- when you talk out loud you lower the IQ of the whole street.
11. If I were a meme, I'd be Bad Luck Brian because you're in my life.
12. If you were Primrose Everdeen, not even Katniss would volunteer as tribute.
    
13. If we were a box of Celebrations, you'd be the Snickers.
14. Do you annoy people professionally, or is it just a hobby?
15. Whilst I'm offended by what you say, I'm just glad you're using words to make full sentences now.
16. I'm sorry, I can't meet up with you, I'm busy gouging my eyes out with a blunt spoon.
17. Even Lucien Freud doesn't want to paint you (art specific one there!)
18. You're a walking advert for abortions.
19. You should probably hide, the rubbish collectors will be here any minute.
20. Roses are red, violets are blue, you look like a skunk and smell like one too.
21. I would call you a retard, but that's an insult to retards.
22. I wish we lived in Westeros, so I could send you to The Wall forever.

So there you go, hopefully now you'll be able to say one of these rather than think of something 20 minutes after the argument.

What are your favourite comebacks? Let me know in the comments :)

Don't forget to subscribe for new content

Have a great Valentine's Day!

Sammie

xoxo

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Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine's gifts

Hello, toasters!

It's officially 1 week to go until Valentine's Day!

Now is the time for frantic phone calls, desperately trying to get a table in that Italian place you didn't know was there until you Googled it this morning.

Nowadays it seems like we don't just have to shell out money for a card, posh dinner, and  itchy polyester underwear that came straight from a porno, but we also have to buy gifts for each other too.

This is an issue, as I literally have no money. 

And what little money I do have is instantly zapped by the University via payments for school trips, art supplies and disappointing Hoi Sin wraps.

Therefore, I need to think of some cool budget-friendly stuff that I can do.

Here are my Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine' gifts

1.  Cook a meal at home. And by 'cook', I do not mean Dominos or microwavable stuff. Keep it classy. However, if you go to Waitrose and find they have something you could believably pass off as your own, go for it... just get rid of the packaging first!

Oh, the struggles of being a modern woman.

2. Send him (or her, I don't judge) a romantic, heartfelt note.

For those of us that don't have time for that crap, I've made a template you may all use...

Dear (insert name here),

Although we have only been together for a week/ a few months/ too long why are you still here, I know my feelings for you are true. 

You make me feel like no-one else can; when I am with you I feel happy/ on top of the world/ constipated.

I remember our first date when you took me to (insert name of crappy 'restaurant' he took you to, which really should have been an early warning sign) and we talked about whatever sport he inevitably talked about all night long.

And when I introduced me to my friends, I knew you were the one because of the way you smiled/ looked at me/ embarrassed me so much I have had to find new friends.

I hope I get to spend my life/ your overdraft with you, thank you for everything/ nothing.

Lots of love/ utter contempt, 

(insert your name or sexist pet name they use for you)

xxx

3. Play a board game together and let them win. Nothing says love like letting a fool win at Monopoly even though their tactics are terrible, and they should know by now that you can never win by relying on a hotel on Old Kent Road.

4. Root through your cupboards and fridge to find something unopened. When they unwrap it and look at you questioningly, get all excited and squeal 'I know that Heinz Baked Beans are your favourite!'

Makes you look thoughtful and concerned that they're getting a nutritional diet.

Boom, you're a keeper.

5. Create a coupon book. Whilst this can genuinely be a really good gift, I'd definitely include things like 'I will give you the remote', and 'I will admit I'm wrong and let you win this argument'.

Just be sure to add short expiry dates in tiny, faint writing just to add a hint of evil.

6. Agree to watch their favourite film, and not comment too often about how Keanu Reeves is exactly the same character in every movie he's in. Sometimes I think he wasn't intentionally an actor, he just accidentally walked onto a set one day and he didn't have the heart to tell them he wasn't 'The Chosen One'.

7. Give them a back massage. And for those of you who don't know how, it's just like trying to rub an inevitable morning toothpaste mark out of your shirt in the morning. Just do that on their shoulder blades with slowly-increasing pressure until it gets so painful they ask you to stop. The plus side to this one is that you will never be asked to give another massage again- aww yiss!

8. Cut out hundreds of heart shapes from plain paper and scatter them around their room. On the hearts, write things that you love about them, or your favourite memories together. However, vent your anger and give them a piece of your mind on a few, just to shake things up a bit.

Note- this one works better for long-term relationships... it'll probably come across as a bit creepy if you've only known them a few weeks and have broken into their room just to litter it with cut out bits of paper.

9. Quote their favourite memes or lyrics throughout the day. Bonus points for inappropriate timings, especially if the lyrics you are quoting are by Sean Paul.

10. Try your absolute hardest not to be an asshole to them for a whole day.

So, there we go, my 10 gift ideas, that really prove how little is free in today's world. 

Disclaimer: Unless your partner is very understanding, the majority of these ideas will probably get you dumped. I will not accept liability for people with broken shoulders because your massage didn't work out.

What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Let me know in the comments :)

Sammie

xoxo

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How I got someone to put up with me (love me, even) for a year

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London Calling

Hello toasters!
This morning I'm heading into to London for a uni trip- where else would we be able to listen to Opera and spend hundreds of pounds on fabric in the same day?!

It's too late to be drawing a new illustration for this post, so I thought
I'd use this 'illustration selfie' I did a few weeks ago :)

Having to get up at 7am tomorrow will be difficult, made even harder by the fact that I have to leave my bonsai trees behind for a whole week.
Seriously, I never thought I could ever be so connected to a plant... maybe it's just a coping mechanism when I get depressed about:

a. My student loan          

b. My 'future'                 

c. Miley Cyrus' existence   

or 

d. All of the above.         

We're visiting Harry Potter world tomorrow, which I am definitely far too excited about.
I had intended to sew myself a Ravenclaw robe to wear- you know, to actually get my £9,000 tuition fee's worth- but it ended up in the bottom of my wardrobe, where all my other half-finished projects go to die.
I need to try and find the self-restraint to not buy a wand, or else you may find me sobbing in a gutter, waving it and whispering 'accio, money'.
(Muggles, beware of HP terminology)

Looking at my overflowing suitcase, I fear I may have done my usual trick- packing everything but the things I actually need.
One year I went to Spain, forgot my swimwear and had to spend my time in ill-fitting, hastily-purchased bikinis that made a synthetic fart sound every time I moved.
(Sorry, that's probably an overshare, but it's the best example I've got)
The worst thing is, I usually remember what I've forgotten just as I reach my destination, so I'll keep you posted as to what vital thing I've left behind this time.
Spoiler alert: It's usually socks.

I hope you all have a fantastic Monday morning, and get to have the lie in that I wont be able to have.
I'm still debating whether or not to bring my laptop along, so if you don't hear from me for a week, you'll know why.
Watch this space
Sammie
xoxo


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How I got someone to put up with me (love me, even) for a year

Hello, toasters!
So, on the 18th, me and Dan will have been together for a year!

This is my first time drawing Dan, I have yet to work on it.... so don't judge me!

Aside from the fact that he's always hungry (seriously, how can guys eat so much?!), he's practically perfect.
Disclaimer: When I say that, I mean that he's 'practically perfect' for me. I'm aware that not everybody likes their men with long hair, band shirts and a willingness to watch children's cartoons with you at 5am. But that pretty much ticks all the boxes for me.
If you have read this blog before, or have had the unfortunate luck of meeting me in person, you'll know I'm not quite perfect.
I'm clumsy, too loud, childish, and I'm sometimes a little bit thick. (I bought fireworks from Lidl for fireworks night this year. Surprise, surprise, they didn't work, and nearly killed us all to boot. On the plus side though, it was fun)
I also have started to snort when I laugh.
Which is never attractive. Ever.
So, I hear you cry, how did you manage to get someone to put up with you for a whole year?
Well, I think I've distilled my main method into a few key points...

Find that one little thing that they hate and inflict it upon them a few times a week
You know, just so that they appreciate it when you're taking the time and effort not to be a prat.
For Dan, it's Dancing in the Moonlight by Toploader that he hates.
Luckily for him, I love this song, so it's really quite easy for me to hum it around the house, when we're out shopping, or even as he's drifting off to sleep.
Sometimes, when he's tossing and turning in his sleep, an evil part of my brain likes to think that it's that song that's disturbing him so much.

Try new experiences together
For example...

FYI, the 50 Shades of Grey wasn't a joint venture... what he does in his free time is up to him I guess
*cough* FREAK *cough*

Try and get into each others' interests
I actually wrote a post about our Compromises between a Theatre-Lover and Metalhead, and in about a month's time I'll be holding up my end of the deal and going to a metal gig.
If I die in a moshpit, tell my family I love them. And make sure Gina doesn't get all my stuff.
But seriously, dragging a reluctant Dan into the world of 16 & Pregnant and other crappy TV has done wonders for our relationship.
Aside from reminding us how lucky we are, it also acts as a great source of entertainment, as the teen mums invariably give their kids terrible names.
There have been several kids named Bentley now, and I swear one of them got the nickname 'Benterz'.
Stay classy, kids.

Get them to do stuff for you by classing it as 'teamwork'
Don't like the yellow Jelly Tots? Feed them to an unsuspecting sleeping boyfriend.
Need your washing up done? As long as you hug him and sing Toploader whilst he's doing it, it's all good.
I know it's exploitation, but it does mean that I have less things to stress about, meaning I have more time to be a super-awesome Girlfriend, making him sandwiches and shit.
Also, I do the drying up, so I guess that's something?!

So there you have it- an insider's guide to making a long-term relationship work.
To be honest, I'm pretty sure that most of this stuff only works because we're nutters, but hey ho!
What would you recommend for keeping the love alive?
Let me know in the comments :)
See you soon
Sammie
xoxo

P.S.
I've recently realised that if this page doesn't load properly, all the text becomes Comic Sans.
I dont know whether to laugh or cry...

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Drunk Thoughts 2

Hello, toasters!
So yes, due to the events of this evening, I find myself intoxicated yet again.
By 'events', I mean the casual suggestion of an after-dinner drink at home, which was followed by 5 hours of hardcore cocktail drinking.
And by 'hardcore cocktail', I mean the Apple Sourz mixer that tastes SO BAD that I got for Christmas, and I figured that I may as well drink it whilst drunk, so that I wouldn't be able to register how bad it tastes.

Sorry, no illustration today- I'm definitely not in a fit state to even attempt picking up a pen.
However, I hope you enjoy this photograph, which I took whilst on holiday...
and it kind of links to my alcohol theme... right?!

So here is a list of embarrassing things that I have done this evening, that I definitely would not have done if it weren't for the alcohol coursing through my veins:

• I may have tried to fit six full-sized Oreo cookies into my mouth at the same time.
• I may have made a friend of mine who has recently come out as being a lesbian touch my boobs to fell how bouncy they are.
• I may have set my housemate's wallpaper photo as a graphic image of gay porn.

So really, for me, that isn't too bad at all!

Now I don't want you guys to think that I'm a raving alcoholic- whilst I may enjoy a drink or two, I rarely go out, instead preferring the comfort of Netflix and a duvet.

But I thought, as I am slightly inebriated, I may as well make another 'drunk reflections on life' post, which I can cringe at tomorrow when I wake up.

Here goes nothing...

Why is it so difficult to use an umbrella?

I'm talking about when it's properly raining, with hurricane-esque winds to match... no-one ever prepares you for the difficulty of this task, for how many umbrellas you will disfigure on your travels.

And another thing that makes umbrella use impossible for the overly-polite Brit is umbrella etiquette.

If I am walking towards someone who is also using an umbrella on a slim pavement, what is the accepted procedure? 

We end up doing the trying-to-dodge-each-other pavement dance, which is made infinitely worse by the fact that the umbrellas get tangled up with each other.

Unwritten British law states that you cannot interact with a stranger in public for more than 15 seconds without having to get engaged, married, and raise at least two children named after biblical characters.

On Christmas, why do loads of random relatives that I've never heard of suddenly appear? 

Surely it's cheaper to make contact when it's not the holiday season, so we don't feel pressured into buying each other bath salts that we wrap in cellophane to disguise the fact that zero effort went into the gift.

Long lost Auntie makes contact in July? 

Cool, we should go to the beach together sometime.

Long lost Auntie makes contact in late November?

Better buy her some chocolates and hope she isn't lactose intolerant.

'Dogs are basically cats with an attention-seeking complex.' -Sammie

As a cat lover, and academic, I can say that the above statement is completely true. 

Dogs need walks, whereas cats take the initiative and entertain themselves for the day, like functioning members of society.

Dogs, however, need haircuts, walks and specialist toys, which mostly get buried in your new flowerbed of roses.

If a child did that as a token of thanks for free lodging in your home, you'd put them in care.

Don't even pretend you wouldn't. 

So, dear toasters, (and all of those people that have stumbled across my website and wonder why I am referring to you as a kitchen appliance) I will leave you with this old photograph I have just this minute found on my hard drive.

Katniss Everdeen, eat your heart out.

Disclaimer: If my sister Gina gets chosen in the reaping, I will not volunteer
as tribute. She's a little git.

Sammie

xoxo

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The Last Supper (before I'm back to malnourishment at my student house)

Hello, toasters!

Today I am writing to you from my brand new laptop- a white HP Pavilion laptop that is cooler than the arctic itself. 

However, to get said laptop, I had to go to PC World. For four hours!

Before this, I had just made a 2 hour journey, which put me through the terrifying ordeal of having someone nearly sit next to me on public transport.

Oh, the horror!

So, aside from almost committing mass genocide in PC World, I think my sanity has just about clung on & is still with me. 

I think...

I'm intending to do an illustration for each post, so hopefully i'll improve bit by bit :)

Tomorrow morning, I will be travelling back down to Bournemouth, as I start Uni again on Monday.

I resent this fact for two main reasons: 

1.  I have to be up at 8am, which is a greatly unreasonable hour for a nocturnal person such as myself.
2.  Whilst I can cook, I can't afford the quality of food that my mum can here at home.

I will be going from grand roast dinners with all the trimmings to a sandwich from the Co-Op, which may or may not contain real chicken and arguably smells like a pensioner.

Mmmm, I love the smell of pensioner in the morning.

However, there are several things I am looking forward to...

1.  Seeing all my housemates and friends again, cracking inappropriate 'Your Mum' jokes 24/7 and generally being goofy.
2.  Being a 30 second walk away from Iceland, which has a good offer on for Pringles.
3.  Starting classes again

Whilst I love lying in all day and mooching about the house, I really can't wait to dig my teeth into another project. There's something about having a new project that revives my passion and creativity for the arts.

Also, procrastinating is always more fun when you actually have something to avoid.

So now I have the task of packing everything up, which has become a proper challenge as Mum has turned half of my room into a Chinese Laundry.
Last night I couldn't get to sleep for ages, so instead of counting sheep, I counted how many ugly shirts there were hanging up that would benefit from a bout of spontaneous combustion.
So, the next time I post I'll be back in Bournemouth!
Are you looking forward to going back? Let me know in the comments :)
Don't forget to subscribe you cheeky monkeys
(Sorry, I've been spending too much time watching children's TV... because I have younger siblings.... not because I actually enjoy it...don't judge me)
Sammie
xoxo


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10 New Year's Resolutions for all of us who think Wii fit counts as exercise

Here's my Happy New Year illustration... I did it when I got home
from the pub and was rather kettled... so I'm pleased that it came out okay!

Hello, toasters!
Be honest with me now, how many New Year's Resolutions have you made and actually kept for a whole year?
Anyone?
Nope, did think so.

The classic 'I will get fit' means buying an expensive gym membership, going once in January but find it too crowded because everyone else has had the same idea, consoling yourself with a bar of dairy milk and only going one other time in the year when you ran out of hot water for a shower.
So, I have decided to make my 10 New Year's Resolutions realistic, and also pretty do-able, giving me a much-needed sense of achievement as I struggle through my second year of uni, with only tears and pringles keeping me going.
Here we go:

1. I will not name all of my files 'jghppiovdsksofjsd'.
2. I will not spend three consecutive days in the same onesie.
3. I will not share my life story with every subway worker, taxi driver and hobo whilst drunk on my way home from a night out.
4. I will avoid using fandom-specific/meme references in front of my family- the time it takes to explain it to them is not worth it & makes me want to bludgeon myself to death with a blunt spoon.
5. I will come up with more imaginative passwords.
6. I will stop setting a 'lie-in' alarm. It makes me realise how snuggly I am and just gives me time to convince myself I don't have to do anything today.
7. I will not eat all of my advent calendar chocolates in one go. I will wait to at least day three before I give up. Yeah, willpower!
8. I will become less obsessed with Ru Paul's Drag Race... for those of you who haven't watched it, it's essentially America's Next Top Model for Drag Queens and it is fabulous!
9. I will not fall into a black hole of despair when I finish a series. If I spend any more time immersed in Tumblr, my brain will turn to mushy peas.
10. I will not Snapchat in inappropriate places. No-one likes a toilet selfie.

So, there we have it... my list that I will try to keep for a whole year!
What are your New Year's Resolutions? Let me know in the comments :)
Have a fantastic New Year everyone!
Sammie
xoxo


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My Christmassy Week in Pictures

Hello, toasters!
It's that time of year again to attack random people in H&M for a pair of discount shoes (that didn't sell for a reason) and to desperately cobble together a New Years Eve plan.
And, for those of us who have just returned from visiting Grandparents who always have the latest bug, it's time to recover from the inevitable illnesses gained from their tropically-hot homes.
It seems that this year, besides smellies and new pots for my bonsai trees, my Grandma has also given me a winter bug.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
So at the moment I have a wicked sore throat, which is possibly a blessing in disguise as I'm losing the weight gained from Christmas due to the fact that I can't actually swallow anything.
Silver linings, right?
As I'm feeling foggier than Lindsay Lohan's head after a rough night out, I thought that today I'd post a picture-heavy post, summing up my Christmassy week!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So this week, I went to a pet store and fell in love with many small fury animals, made a chocolate santa sleigh,  constructed a train track around the living room to deliver presents and received some really thoughtful gifts!

From Dan I got a beautiful Swarovski crystal necklace (the real thing!) so now I actually have something really valuable to worry about if I ever get mugged...

He also got me a plushie of my starter Pokémon Snivy, who actually talks to me! This little sweetie has transformed me back into a 5 year old, as she goes everywhere with me and I even made her up a place at the table for Christmas dinner.

God knows how society expects me to function as an adult.

I fear for you all.

Sammie

xoxo

 

 

Drunk thoughts...

Hello, toasters!

Hold on a second, I need to plug in my laptop as it's just told me I have '7 minutes of battery life left' AKA 'plug me in now bitch, you have 5 seconds'.

7 minutes my arse.

Drunk selfie is drunk. Go home, drunk selfie.

So tonight I went out with my friends from college, and it was great!

Although, I did end up drinking those awful VK drinks (the blue ones that almost exactly match the colour- and taste- of the stuff you put in the toilet) because they were on offer.

I feel like my mother, buying stuff I don't particularly want/ need just because it's on offer.

I don't know if it's technically a part of the human condition, but there's something about a 3-for-£5 offer that always gets me.

And now I have a blue tongue.

 

So, as I was sat in the pub, feeling fourteen again  with my luminous drinks, I got drunk. I don't know how, because no one ever gets drunk on alcopops- even though we all pretended when we sent that 'oops, that was meant for someone else' text to our crush even though we all know what you are up to, you are literally being as subtle as a gun.

But hopefully you cant tell how intoxicated I am from my grammar, but that's probably owing to the spell checker (God bless the spell checker!) more than anything else.

I've already used spell check more times than I would in an essay for just these few paragraphs.

Help.

 

Whilst I was in the car home, trying desperately to seem less drunk than I was, I couldn't help but question the meaning of life, which progressed naturally, to an internal debate about video games.

Why, in a world such as this, do we spend far more time playing QWOP than doing useful stuff like phoning grandparents and discovering where the fuck those scissors have disappeared to AGAIN?

It certainly cant be because it's easier. I find it far less painful to have a chat with a pensioner than to try and spasm my way to a non-negative score.

For those of you who haven't played QWOP, you need to re-evaluate your life.

Or Google it. Because, as we all know, Googling something is an alternative to actually doing something.

 

That's another thought... Google.

Now, we all love Google, and if it shut down we wouldn't know what to do. Especially with it's closest competitor being Bing.

(I love the fact that the most searched for thing on Bing is Google, and I wonder how many CEOs of Bing cry themselves to sleep at night over this fact)

But, as we all love Google, why does everyone seem to hate Google+ so much?

Yes, it was essentially forced on us through YouTube etc. but it's not so bad.

It's basically like Facebook, with more interesting groups stuff, less random people from Slovakia adding you and less annoying 'Your Mum' pages we haven't unliked yet from 4 years ago.

Oh, I hate those pages!

Remember when it was really cool to like all those pages with funny names?

Yeah, not so funny now.

I STILL get random posts from the occasional one in my newsfeed.

 

I should really get to bed now, and leave my liver to have a panic attack at my drinking three times more units than I should have.

I'm sorry, liver.

Wow, and now I'm talking to an internal organ.

New low-point reached? Check.

Until next time, toasters!

Sammie

xoxo

 

P.S. Only 6 more sleeps to go until Christmas!

 

It's Chriiiiiiistmaaaaaas! (Slade Style)

Hello, toasters!
Only 12 days to go!
Anyone who knows me will probably agree that I'm basically a little kid wrapped in a 19 year olds body. So yes, Christmas is still a huge deal for me.
I mean, when else is it acceptable to wear itchy 'I-think-it's-supposed-to-be-a-snowman' jumpers and to have eaten 3 packs of After Eight's before noon?!



'Tis the season.... to wear funny hats with your mother in selfies

To me, 'Christmas Spirit' is made up of three things:

• Cheesey Christmas songs (XFactor not included)
• Pigs in blankets!
• Buying presents for everyone

Now the first two always get my spirits right up as soon as they come on the scene. Who doesn't love singing along to Slade (did they actually do anything else?) and eating pork sausages wrapped in yet more pork?!

The third is a little more tricky, but definitely the most rewarding.
Honestly, there's nothing more exciting and excruciatingly painful than knowing you've got the best gift ever, and waiting to see what their face looks like when they open it.
But, not having much money, this has always posed as a challenge to me.

One year, I really couldn't stretch to more than £20 for the whole of my present budget.
And I have a big family. As in, more than the Kardashian clan big.
That year everyone received homemade cookies, and called me 'original', but I think they definitely saw through my 15-year-old broke ass.

This year I've had a little more money to spend due to savings from my summer job, so I've been able to splash out a bit.
I visited the Bournemouth Christmas Market the other day, and it was magical.
The Disney Princess inside of me was overjoyed- there were ponies in a pen, carol singers, ice skaters, the whole sha-bang.
Even the little kid who fell over on the ice looked magical as they were in a Santa outfit.
And it was also a great place for finding 'gifty' things that would have taken ages to find on the high street/ internet.
'Authentic' spell book for Tarot-obsessed step mother? Check.
Bright purple candle with interesting Islamic design for Bohemian grandmother? Check.
Minion stuffed toy for overly-consumerist little sister? Check.
I got more people ticked off my list in a shorter amount of time than it takes to decide whether just a hoodie or a full coat is better to face the weather outside. Is it just me, or do I always seem to dress wrong for the weather?!

But one thing I would say about the Christmas Market, is to go with your partner. I tried to go on my own last year, but just felt sad and lonely amongst the sea of couples that looked as if they'd just stepped out of an M&S advert.
But this year, that was me! Because I was holding hands with someone rather than being forever alone, I was the one who has just stepped out of the M&S advert! My hair even had a faint shimmer to it!

I also decorated the tree yesterday, which always gets me feeling Christmassy.
Before we begin, we always choose a radio station that plays all the Christmas classics as a backdrop. However, we couldn't find a station like that yesterday, so we plumped for some religious channel, which was having a 'debate' which was becoming increasingly heated and was, naturally, hilarious.
Now I'm not one for subtlety, so I always put as many lights and baubles on as possible. Because no-one ever died from too many Christmas decorations, did they?
Here's the finished article, which I am very proud of :D
Ta-Daaaaa!

Considering that me and my sister usually get on worse than Snape and Harry, I think we did really well and only had one argument! Which, strangely, was about a piñata rather than anything Christmas related so there you go.

So, toasters, I hope that you are all having a great holiday season and are getting into the Christmas mood!
Don't forget to comment & subscribe (because it's a time for giving, right?)
Fa la la la la, la la la laaaa :)
See you soon!
Sammie xoxo

How Every Student Does Their Assignment

Hello, toasters!
So today I handed in my project I've been working on since September, and I'm genuinely buzzing with excitement.
Its either that or the two tubes of Pringles and six-pack of Diet Coke I've ingested over the past 12 hours or so. Either or.
So this past week I've been super busy- sorry for the lack of posts, but you know... I'm paying £8,600 a year for tuition, I may as well roll out of bed in the morning and try.
And by roll, I literally mean roll.
Boy, are all those Pringles coming back to haunt me now.
Like every student, I sort of procrastinated for the best part of 2 months, doing the occasional bit of work when absolutely necessary but nothing too tedious.
Instead, I decided to focus on the more important things in life, like buying new throw pillows and mastering the ancient art of cheese on toast.
I know right, pretty deep stuff.
But this got me thinking about how students do their projects, and looking around the room at hand-in, I noticed a pattern of vacant stares and yesterday's unchanged clothes.
So, I decided that whilst it's fresh in my mind, I'd go through the thought process of every student the night before a big hand in.
Here goes...

8.00pm- So I've got a long night ahead of me, with a slimmer chance of getting a 1st than the chance that Kim Kardashian will sort her life out. Better get some snacks, you know, for motivation.... yeah, motivation, that's it.
8.30pm- I'm a Celebrity is on, I've got plenty of time left, and I can DEFINITELY do work in the advert breaks.
10.00pm- Okay, so admittedly I didn't actually do any work during I'm a Celeb, but I had my sketchbook open on my lap, so I guess that's a step in the right direction
10.30pm- Right, need to find the perfect sound track to help me power through, lets take a quick look through my iPod
 11.00pm- Well, it looks like I don't have anything in my music library that will do. Time to look on YouTube for some music.
11.30pm- Oh look, a funny cat video!
12.00am- Oh God, I only have 8 hours left. Time to really knuckle down
12.05am- Phew, I've written 5 whole sentences, that definitely deserves a 10 minute break.
12.15am- Well before I can do anything, I need the right equipment. And who can do any sort of work without a nice sharp pencil?
1.00am- Alright, so that's all the pencils in a 5-mile radius sharpened to an OCD-level point, and organised in nice straight rows.
1.30am- Man, I could use a snack right now....
*remembers supply of processed crap enough to put an entire army into a coma*
Okay, so I'll just have one teensy tiny snack
2.00am- How the hell am I supposed to work with this huge food baby?! I think a quick power nap is necessary, just to get rid of it and re-energise me for work. Half an hour should do it, no more though!
4.00am- Why did I think getting into a warm bed was a good idea!?!? Now I have to sit in my room which has is colder than Piers Morgan's heart, and no amount of onesies will stop me shivering.
4.30am- 2,000 words, here we come. Okay Wikipedia, don't fail me now!
5.00am- Damn I'm going to need some references... I'm sure that book on Lucian Freud is around here somewhere, and he's always relevant. Essay on why pop culture is becoming an overpowering influence in society? Why, because women secretly want penises of course!
6.00am- I wonder if McDonalds start serving breakfast yet?
6.15am- Come on now, focus! How can I make the 1,200 words I have seem like a lot more? Time for some double-spacing and large font methinks.
6.30am- OH CRAP I COMPLETELY FORGOT MY EVALUATION JKBFJKBUIOP
6.45am- Okay, so here's last term's evaluation.... I'm sure if I just change a few choice words here and there it'll be fine. No one even reads these things anyway, right?
7.00am- Time to attempt to make this jittering wreck of a person presentable... enough to walk to uni, grunt hellos and dump my suspiciously large-fonted work into a box.


I don't know about you, but that last bit never works for me. I always look like a car crash, and its always a 50/50 chance as to whether or not I'm still wearing a pajama top.
I even have a pair on 'mum' jeans that I wear to each hand in without fail, they're just so.... understanding.
So for those of you who still have your hand-ins to go, I wish you the best of luck.
As for me, I'll be hibernating and playing on the Sims 2 for a month.
Don't forget to subscribe to my content using http://sammieontoast.blogspot.co.uk/ using the options on the right hand side :)
Sammie
xoxo

How to get over a Break-up in 5 steps

Hello, toasters!
Break-ups are hard, we all know that.
The feeling of losing 'the one', who will undoubtedly become 'the one.... who I text on drunk nights out at 3am'
Trust me, it gets better.
But, one thing that everyone seems to overlook is the fact that you can use a post-relationship funk to pretty much eat/ do/ wear whatever the hell you want and no-one will judge you!
So, I challenge you to do these 5 things and to not feel at least a little bit better about being single afterwards....

1. Don't bother to shave your legs. I mean, seriously, just wear jeans or tights the whole time. Shaving is annoying and quite frankly- dangerous (who's idea was it to rub a razor along your flesh in a slippery enclosed area?!) so just leave it! Enjoy growing an extra layer of warmth for the winter. Tip: This works especially well in student houses, where there's no heating.
2. Have whatever food you want whenever you want. Oh, you love garlic bread but were too afraid to have garlic breath? Well, its not like anyone is going to be getting that close to your mouth right now- and if someone randomly is, consider a restraining order- so run to Tesco, buy 2 sticks of garlic bread for something gloriously cheap like 60p, stick Chocolat on the telly and pretend you're French.
3. You can check David Tennant/Johnny Depp/ Tom Hiddleston out as much as you want and not have to hide it. Gone are the days when you have to come up with something reassuring like "It's okay, I prefer you to him any day. I mean, he's far too..... (desperately searches for a minor flaw in the Hollywood God you are currently admiring) I mean, look at those hands, they're so wrinkly!" and then you just hope your partner buys it. Nope, I recommend fully throwing yourself into a fandom on Tumblr and getting so involved in the 'feels' happening there, that your own life has no real relevance anymore.
4. Buy that quirky necklace you've always wanted that they called 'a bit garish'. Buy it and wear it proud, and if you see them out and about, flaunt your gorgeous new accessory as a big old two-fingers to the douchebag. Note: They probably won't notice but you'll feel epic and defiant, like the people on the Money Supermarket adverts.
5. If you can't stop thinking about them, unearth a really awful photo of them. You know, one of the ones where you'd hoped for a cute couple picture but for some reason they look like a Diglett Pokémon. Or a squid. Or they look like a paedophile. You know the ones I mean. Find that photo which you previously tried to skip over as much as possible, and set it as your background. Hell, print it on a cushion, so it's the first horrifying thing you see when you wake up. I know it sounds shallow, but constantly exposing yourself to a photo of them you really can't bring yourself to like can help you get fed up of them. You may want to get rid of any and all cushions/ merchandise with the awful picture on before another suitor arrives. You know, just looks a bit shrine-y. Because nothing say's 'I'm a keeper!' like a shrine to your ex.

Hope these work for you!
Sammie
xoxo

10 Signs That You're a Music Snob

1. You shun anyone who even mentions Justin Bieber, but have secretly listened to all of his songs. You know, just to check how bad they are.... twice.

2. Even if you are late getting somewhere, you will stop mid-journey to find the perfect song on your iPod before even thinking about continuing, even if this makes you even later.

3. You'll defend anyone who you have ever liked, even if you haven't listened to them for years and have no idea about their new albums.

4. You have to watch Never Mind the Buzzcocks alone, for fear that a question will come up on that obscure band you pretend to like, you will not be able to answer it, and everyone will know the truth.

5. You instantly correct anyone who mentions 30 Seconds to Mars, curtly informing them that it is Jared Leto as in 'Leh-toe' not 'Lee-toe'. Bonus points for adding extra venom and a self-important attitude.

6. You wear your headphones slightly off one ear, to give out that cool 'yeah-i'm-a-DJ' vibe.
(Note- you look like a twat.)

7. You have a vinyl collection. Which, don't get me wrong, is pretty cool. But, you have a vinyl collection that you mention all the time, yet only use once or twice a year. Poser? Definitely.

8. As soon as a band 'makes it', you can't listen to them anymore. I mean, that's a given right? Because as soon as regular people that don't have your superior music taste start recognising their talents, they cant possibly be talented anymore... right?

9. You lecture anyone who downloads music, accusing them of 'killing the industry', yet you have no qualms with downloading a film.

10. If someone else does like a band you also like, you quickly try to one-up them by proving that you're the better fan.
(This can be very funny to watch, especially between two hipsters, as the conversation usually goes something like this:

Hipster 1: 'I really like this band, called Marshmallow on a Plane, but you probably haven't heard of them'

Hipster 2: 'No, I totally like them, I liked them before they were well-known.'

Hipster 1: 'Oh, well I totally have a special edition of their new album, only 5,000 were made'

Hipster 2: 'I saw them live and caught the drumsticks'
Hipster 1: 'I met them in London and we totally hung out for like 40 seconds'
*Hipster 2 realises he has been beaten, dons his ironic Raybans and walks off into the sunset, or tries to as much as his ill-fitting chinos will allow*

 

Have fun observing number 10- I recommend waiting around at a coffee shop or a gig for that conversation
Sammie
xoxo

Compromises... from theatre lover to metalhead?!

Hello, toasters!
I have returned after a few weeks' hiatus- to those of you who read my last post about how I was planning on not spending any money for a whole week, do not worry! I did not starve!
I actually got on pretty well, and will post up my findings tomorrow evening.
For some reason, I had the blog post completely written up and edited, but I really just felt like some time off.
I spent the time settling in again to university, cooking some awesome food (and then cancelling it out by eating cheap drunk food) and most recently, going to the theatre with my boyfriend.
The play in question was called 'Female Transport', and was put on by the graduate acting students at my university.
I was excited to go because 1. the set and costume designs were done by members of my course, and is exactly what I want to do, and 2. it gave me an opportunity to show give my boyfriend Dan a little insight into my world & what I'm into.
Alas, I hear you cry! Why, oh why, after 10 months of dating, does he still know nothing about the world of theatre if he is dating a costume student?
My short answer to this is that he is a metalhead.
My slightly longer answer is that he is a metalhead who studies forensic science and plays ultimate frisbee in his spare time, and if that's not the furthest group of interests away from theatre, I don't know what is.

Me & Dan on a night out in Woking. This photo is my desktop wallpaper and the guy on the right
in perfect focus really annoys me because I have no idea who he is, and I literally see him every day.

I honestly don't know how we found each other, and I really cant comprehend how it works, but somehow it does.
Like mango chutney and stilton cheese, it just works.
But lately we've decided to try to get to know each other's interests a little more.
You know, to delve a little deeper than him putting up with my distinctly Sandra Bullock/ Rene Zellweger/ Ryan Reynolds-flavoured film-taste and more than me listing to Guns N Roses occasionally.
So, he came with me to see Female Transport, and we've booked a Trivium gig in London for February.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with Trivium and metal music as a whole, its contains shouting which sometimes transcends into guttural roars, drums being beaten to within an inch of their life (think Rihanna) and lots of black leather and tattoos. One good thing about the genre though, is that the guitar parts are really quite good a lot of the time.
However, I am seriously scared that I will be punched in a mosh pit, and die. Or just be brutally injured, and have to spend the rest of my days on a life support machine. I don't know why I thought agreeing to this was a good idea... it may have been the Dominos pizza Dan bought me as he suggested it...damn Dominos pizza and its' persuasive aroma!
Anyway, back to Female Transport.
The set itself was incredible, with different levels and small spaces for the actors to hide in, which really emphasised the cramped life the female prisoners must have had as they made the journey to Australia- definitely very inspiring and made me want to design something like this even more before I graduate!
The whole thing was made infinitely better by sitting next to some of my lovely course chums (shout out to Brooke!) who definitely helped to take the mick out of Dan and his typical bloke-ish ways. Mwahaha!

Sidenote- why on earth do some guys think that its okay to use shower gel in place of shampoo?! Okay, if you have a buzzcut, it doesn't really make a difference... but where did boys get this false information from?!?

I was concerned that Dan wouldn't enjoy something like this play- it was hard-hitting and got really into each character's individual stories... a far cry from the local Pantomime most of us have as a light-hearted introduction to theatre as kids.
But he seemed to really love it, and I could honestly not be more thrilled.
So, my moral for this post is to just leap into something, like Dan did for me. You never know what you might find, and you should always try something once, right?!
...Except things like cocaine, and getting into the mafia. Stuff like that should definitely be avoided.
(I'm looking at you, people who say YOLO as an excuse for making bad life choices!)
Now I just have to take my own advice, don some heavy eye make-up and charge headfirst into that Trivium gig just like Miley Cyrus slammed into that wall of negative press.
Actually, bad example. I do not wish to be associated with foam fingers in that way.
See you tomorrow!
Sammie
xoxo

Adjusting to life as a student

Hello, toasters!

I'm about a month deep into my second year of uni.
Especially since moving back into my family home for 4 months over summer, I have realised some of the things that make student life... well, studenty.

One thing you never have to think about when merrily living at home is doing the shopping.
I never realised how expensive cheese was!
And yes, you can get the £1 'cheese' from Iceland, but its so rubbery that if you drop it, it will bounce back up and punch you in the face.

Never before have I been quite so precious about nectar points.
So what if I only spent £1.27?
I need those points!
It's seriously becoming a problem- like as if I'm addicted to drugs.
The other day I spent £2.50 in Sainsbury's, walked halfway home before I realised I hadn't collected my points, and went back to get them!
What is my life turning into?!?!
And then, when you get home, you have to try and fit everything into your one little freezer drawer.
I can definitely say, that I have become a master of this.
It's like an expert game of Tetris in my freezer drawer.
Life Skill = Gained. Thanks, University.

Whilst I love my house, you do have to get used to some really odd combinations of mis-matched furniture.
In my living room for example, we have two sofas- one a forest green and one a brilliant red that makes your eyes hurt if you look at it in daylight.
I know that's not really a huge sticking point, but it does make you appreciate the purposefully styled rooms at your family home when you go back.

One thing I have learnt about myself is that I'm actually a pretty good cook!
(See a recent post here that has one of my recipes)
This came as a huge shock to everyone, as before my Dad used to joke that I could burn water.
But no, I actually buy fresh ingredients, combine them in interesting ways and I have never, ever eaten a pot noodle.
The worst thing that happened to me kitchen-wise was my very first attempt to cook when I first moved in as a fresher.
I was cooking a pizza (very simple, I know) and so I just put it in the oven and waited.
There were only two problems to this plan...
1. Our oven has no temperature markings. You turn the dial, but the markings have long since rubbed off. So, to start with, it was like a fun game. I think I must have turned it around to what I believe is about 300 degrees that night.
2. After I put the pizza into what must have been a furnace, I became distracted. I can't remember what I was distracted by, but as I am an art student, it was probably something like a butterfly or my own boobs.
So when I eventually remembered I was cooking something (probably about 40 minutes later) it came out looking pretty burnt.
And by pretty burnt, I mean 100x more burnt than the stereotypical English guy who falls asleep on holiday in Spain in the sun all day and has to go around looking like a tomato for 3 months after.
So if having a pizza that was blacker than a politicians heart wasn't bad enough, I only went and dropped it on the floor!
I think I may have cried at this point. Or again, became distracted by my own boobs.
I just know that I definitely missed the 3-second-rule time limit.
But still, I was just so hungry, I picked it up and ate the bits that were still recognisable as a pizza.
This, dear toasters, is a fact I am not proud of, so please don't judge me!

Doing the washing is also something that gets me.
Because my laundry basket is only being filled by me, it takes a long time to get full.
And even when it is full, you do the same thing you do with the bins and squash it all down so it will last a little longer.
So I'd say that wash day only comes up every 2 weeks.
But when it does come up, I do 5 washes (1 white, 2 colours, 2 black washes) in a row and EVERYTHING is hung out to dry in my room.
So for about 2 or 3 days, I cant move in my own room, it becomes a rainforest of clothing.
Sometimes, its kinda cool.
I can make a slightly-damp blanket fort out of the set of sheets I've washed and hide away from the outside world and the concept of 'doing work'.

I will leave you on this note- Internet shopping is your best friend and your worst enemy rolled into one!
Yes, you can get some amazing deals that make your life (and bank balance) so much better.
But, be warned.
The other day, I went through my Ebay purchase history and realised quite how much stuff I had bought.
And by stuff, I mean things that I love, but if I'm being very honest with myself, it could be classed as 'crap I don't need'.
For example, today my Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends DVD came in the post!
Now don't get me wrong- I loved this show!
But if I'm honest, the £3 I paid for this could have been spent on something a little more nessecary. Like stationary. Or a subway.

Oooooh, I want a subway now!

So my question to you all is this: What have you found to be the hardest thing about adjusting to student life? Let me know in the comments!
And don't forget to subscribe if you like my content, so you'll be notified when I post more :)
Sammie
xoxo

Why men have it easier than women every single day

Hello, toasters!
So yes, I am discussing a topic older than Bruce Forsyth himself, the age-old battle of the sexes.
Now, I may be a little biased in this argument, as I am, in fact, a girl.
Yes, I have boobs that jiggle and I can occasionally push small human beings out of a certain orifice. Not that that's happened to me in particular, but I do enjoy watching and laughing at the rednecks on 16 & Pregnant, so I know roughly how it works.
But I'm not going to write a classic 'we have to go through cramp and childbirth' post just to win by default.
Nope, I'm going to be talking about all those little things that happen every single day, that make a guys life so much easier than a girls.

First up- Guys don't have to shell out money for feminine hygiene products despite the hideous adverts that make you go into a cringe coma for three days solid.
We all know the ones I mean... I don't think I've ever seen one that makes me actually want to buy the product. And the worst thing is, I know that my purchase is going towards their profit, which will be spent on more horrific adverts.
No, please don't make a tampon fly through the sky, that doesn't actually prove anything.
And for crying out loud, don't give it a face and make it sing.
JUST STOP. NOW. ALL OF YOU.
Now I'm not saying that they should change their tune completely and start making Sensodyne-esqe commercials. That would manage to be even worse.
My suggestion is to just stop the adverts completely.
We're going to buy the product anyway. We don't really have a choice.
So why do these companies need to spend loads on advertising where they turn a pad into a flower?

Secondly, men can fart in public and not have to automatically blame it on a squeaky chair.
Girls are just expected to be beautiful, mystical creatures all the time.
But come on, even a unicorn has to let one out at some point, right?
Now I don't know about you, but I didn't sign up for this debutante stuff. I don't particularly care which hand I hold my knife and fork in, or if my posture is bolt upright at all times.
Do you know how painful it is to hold in a fart?!
It kills!
But I'd definitely say I've mastered the art. I've been with Dan 8 months now and I've only ever let one out about 3 or 4 times. I'm pretty proud of that.
(Apparently you fart loads in your sleep, but I can't say about that)
When I was younger, I used to think that farting was brilliant. We'd used to have competitions and everything.
Where did that go? I miss sitting in a bath with your friend and making it a Jacuzzi.

Number three- men's clothing is far better suited to rolling-out-of-bed-and-heading-out days. Which I have often.
On the whole, I think women's clothing is far more interesting than mens.
Everything is less blocky, and more fluid.
But for dressing down, you cannot argue that guys have it easier.
Bra's are fiddly, tights have a tendency to shred to pieces as soon as you touch them, and don't even get me started on accessories.
They can just throw on some trousers, a top, and a hoodie, and it nearly always matches.
(There are exceptions, of course)
They also don't have to bother with hair and make up like we do... they're allowed to have a 'natural, rugged look'.
If I had a natural, rugged look, people would start offering me their change as I walked down the street.

Last, but not least- when it comes to romantic language, men are far easier to interpret.
I mean, come on, guys can do the extremely-old yet extremely-effective 'Gentleman' routine.
Namely- be polite, compliment us, and don't be a tool.
It really is that simple!
And this courtship technique has been around for years, meaning guys have had decades to get familiar with it.
With girls, we can't use the same flirting techniques our ancestors had.
Oh, excuse me whilst I drop my handkerchief daintily and cheekily flash my ankles.
We have to find new, innovative ways of communicating our interest, and most of them don't even work.
I mean, there's a reason why the stereotypical girl is hard to understand.
Maybe I need to stock up on handkerchiefs after all...

So those are some things that I believe make a guy's day a little easier than mine.
Of course, there is a flip side to this....

• We're not expected to be good drivers- in fact, it's the opposite
• We can chat to small children and be 'caring', where most guys in the same situation would look somewhat in need of psychoanalysing
• We don't have to pay on the first date (it goes downhill from there though...)
• We can follow fashion without having our motives questioned
• On girls... bunny slippers are always appropriate

I know there's probably a huuuuuge amount of feminist writings on this subject, but I thought I'd offer up my own humble opinion.
See you soon,
Sammie
xoxo

What being Homealone means...

Hello, toasters!
So, the other day, I found myself being homealone.
And somewhere between having a staring competition with the dog and sleeping in a random place (on top of the kitchen table), I decided to make a video exploring the odd things we do in a homealone situation.
Now whether its having more naps than an old person, or allowing yourself to fart loud and proud, we all act differently when alone. Admit it!
....actually, on a side note, I take the former back. I'm a student, who am I kidding? I have more naps in a day than Madonna has adopted children.
So without further ado, here is my 'What Being Homealone Means' video.
Enjoy!

Music by Dan-O at http://danosongs.com

What do you guys do when you're homealone then? Let me know :)
And if you really love me, subscribe using any of the options in the right-hand sidebar
Sammie
xoxo

Why I hate Student Finance England & what I would do to them if I had the chance...

So I am an art student, entering into my second year at University.
Or, at least, I hope I will be.
Because, although I have achieved very respectable grades, I might not be let back in.
Why, you might ask?
Well lets turn to Student Finance England for that one.
It turns out these assholes haven't processed my application yet. Not any one of the three applications that I have sent them, over the course of several months. And I need to sort my tuition fee payments before I can re-enrol.

So as I was having a delightful discussion with one of their employees on the phone today (by 'delightful', I mean not at all useful and almost impossible to understand due to his thick Irish accent), you can imagine my delight at being told vague answers to quite straight forward applications.
Me: 'When will I know about the status of my application?'
SFE: 'Every application is different. It could be fourty milliseconds, it could be three lightyears from now'
Me: 'Have you even received my application? I sent the last one more than three weeks ago by recorded delivery'
SFE :'Everything we receive by post takes up to 10 days to be scanned into the system. I have no record of it being in the system'
Me: 'But I sent it more than twenty one days ago'
SFE: 'Oh look, a butterfly'
*Student Finance England then hangs up on me*
Absolutely. Freaking. Delightful.

What I don't understand is how clearly understaffed they are.
What, they can't hire a few more people to scan in postal orders, or look through forms to see that everything is in check?
Yes, I know that students are a large demographic, but seriously? It's not like you can pretend to be surprised by these numbers
You do the same thing year in year out.
Hasn't one person in the company got the common sense to think hmmm, it's only Frank and Bob down there, scanning in the entire student populations' application forms, maybe we should hire a couple more people to help.
10 days to literally just scan a few pages?! Is that a joke?

Take a minute to think about it... have you ever actually known anyone, anyone at all, that has had a good experience with this company?
.....
well?
I bet the answer is no.
Student Finance England: Forever screwing people over from possibly the most financially vulnerable demographic there is.

And another thing that makes this whole situation even more unbearable?
When I go on to their website, they proudly announce the launch of their new student finance magazine!
So instead of actually getting work done, you've been pissing around releasing a magazine that no-one will ever read unless they are stuck on a desert island, and it's the only piece of literature available. And maybe not even then.
Cheers for that, SFE.

So here is a list of what I would do to the Student Finance England company, had I the chance:

1. I would lock them in a room with Keith Lemon and Janet Street-Porter.
2. I would spend my entire maintenance loan- if it ever arrives- on cooking oil. I would boil said oil, and then dip each member of staff in. (I realise this one is a bit dark, but then again, I'm pretty angry and upset right now)
3. I would superglue headphones to their ears and put 'Friday' on repeat.
4. I would enter them into the Hunger Games
5. I would visit their offices, and glue everything to the ceiling- chairs, desks, papers and all (Just like the monkeys did in Roald Dahl's The Twits)
6. I would leave them on the edge of outer space.
7. I would make them sit through Gordon Brown reading the whole of the Old Testament, and every time they fell asleep, they'd lose a finger. 
8. I would drop them in North Korea with an important-looking briefcase containing documents written in code.
9. I would attach them to Jedward, one on each hip.
10. I would make them go back to University, and apply for a loan through their own system.

Okay, rant over.
And I've got to say, I feel a little better already.
Next time, I promise I'll be more upbeat!
I just seriously needed to get that off my chest
See you next time,
Sammie
xoxo

P.S. If you hate them as much as I do, take a look at the Board members page on their website. I think this is good for a couple of reasons...
1. It helps direct your anger.
2. I found slight relief in laughing at their awful photographs, mainly because two thirds of them look like the socially-awkward guests at a barbeque. The ones where the other guests spend well over an hour debating if they'll ever get laid, and if there's any truth in the claim they have an Oedipus complex.