Monday, February 24, 2014

I suck at life. Generally speaking.

Hello, toasters!
Now before we go any further, I must depart one dreadful, all-consuming piece of information... I, Sammie, am a terrible human being.
I don't mean that in a Hitler way, because I'm really not into the whole supreme race thing.
I guess what I'm trying to say in my awkward, slightly-uncomfortable, long-winded way is that I'm terrible at being a human being.
Whatever you believe we have been put on this Earth for, I'm clearly doing it wrong.
When it comes to seizing the day & Carpe Diem, my forever-lazy day starts at about 2pm so there's really not much left to seize.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I really feel like I'm not quite cutting it in the game of life.
Like if I were a crisp, I'd be one of the ones you have to rustle out at the end.
That's a weird comparison, but it works in my head so i'll leave it in there.
Life at the minute feels like a series of oscillations- moving to and from project ideas, music, classes, moods, isolation, and artistic ability.
That last one is particularly annoying... it seems that my artistic ability on any given day is random and can change rapidly for no apparent reason. So when I find that I'm having a good drawing day, I try to cram as much in as possible because I don't know when the next one will spring up.
One thing that remains unchanging is my confusion. I'm now half way through University and I'm still none the wiser for how I'm going to make my sometimes-shaky life choices work.
I'm really trying to absorb as much knowledge as possible, but it gets difficult when lecturers make you throw plastic bags in the air to 'let the inanimate objects live their life as they want to, without imposing our egos onto them'.
I'm paraphrasing, but this woman was basically asking us whether the plastic bags really want to carry our shopping or not.
£8,600 per year well spent I think.

Sorry this post has been a little different from what I usually post, I guess I'm a little out of touch and just putting things out there :)
See you soon,

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

22 Kick-Ass Comebacks

Hello, toasters!
Along with the happy people excited for Valentine's Day, there are the people that hate and repel everything to do with the holiday, much like most people's reaction to a Jehovah's Witnesses house call.
I'd be fine with this 'I hate everything romantic' view if they kept it up the whole time, but it mostly just seems to depend on their current relationship status.
(Also, I know that Valentine's is an occasion made to sell cards and chocolates at extortionate prices, but I guess I'm a sheep in that respect... baaaa)
So, as Valentine's Day seems to always spark some deep-rooted arguments concerning the rather shaky roots of modern society, I have come up with 22 Kick-Ass Comebacks, with the hope that if you find yourself in an argument, you can whip one of these out and sound completely bad ass.

  1. Go play in traffic.
  2. If you were a Pokemon, I wouldn't choose you. Ever.
  3. If you were a search engine, you'd be
  4. I would reply with a relevant comeback, but I'm afraid I zoned out from you talking a long time ago.
  5. You're as dead to me as Fred Weasley (too soon?)
  6. Keep rolling your eyes, you may find a brain back there. But I won't hold my breath.
  7. Have a nice day... somewhere else.
  8. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? It must have done, look at what it did to your face!
  9. I'm already visualising ductape over your mouth.
  10. If this were Sherlock, you'd be Anderson- when you talk out loud you lower the IQ of the whole street.
  11. If I were a meme, I'd be Bad Luck Brian because you're in my life.
  12. If you were Primrose Everdeen, not even Katniss would volunteer as tribute.
  13. If we were a box of Celebrations, you'd be the Snickers.
  14. Do you annoy people professionally, or is it just a hobby?
  15. Whilst I'm offended by what you say, I'm just glad you're using words to make full sentences now.
  16. I'm sorry, I can't meet up with you, I'm busy gouging my eyes out with a blunt spoon.
  17. Even Lucien Freud doesn't want to paint you (art specific one there!)
  18. You're a walking advert for abortions.
  19. You should probably hide, the rubbish collectors will be here any minute.
  20. Roses are red, violets are blue, you look like a skunk and smell like one too.
  21. I would call you a retard, but that's an insult to retards.
  22. I wish we lived in Westeros, so I could send you to The Wall forever.

So there you go, hopefully now you'll be able to say one of these rather than think of something 20 minutes after the argument.
What are your favourite comebacks? Let me know in the comments :)
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Have a great Valentine's Day!

Friday, February 7, 2014

Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine's gifts

Hello, toasters!

It's officially 1 week to go until Valentine's Day!
Now is the time for frantic phone calls, desperately trying to get a table in that Italian place you didn't know was there until you Googled it this morning.
Nowadays it seems like we don't just have to shell out money for a card, posh dinner, and  itchy polyester underwear that came straight from a porno, but we also have to buy gifts for each other too.
This is an issue, as I literally have no money. 
And what little money I do have is instantly zapped by the University via payments for school trips, art supplies and disappointing Hoi Sin wraps.
Therefore, I need to think of some cool budget-friendly stuff that I can do.
Here are my Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine' gifts

1.  Cook a meal at home. And by 'cook', I do not mean Dominos or microwavable stuff. Keep it classy. However, if you go to Waitrose and find they have something you could believably pass off as your own, go for it... just get rid of the packaging first!
Oh, the struggles of being a modern woman.
2. Send him (or her, I don't judge) a romantic, heartfelt note.
For those of us that don't have time for that crap, I've made a template you may all use...

Dear (insert name here),
Although we have only been together for a week/ a few months/ too long why are you still here, I know my feelings for you are true. 
You make me feel like no-one else can; when I am with you I feel happy/ on top of the world/ constipated.
I remember our first date when you took me to (insert name of crappy 'restaurant' he took you to, which really should have been an early warning sign) and we talked about whatever sport he inevitably talked about all night long.
And when I introduced me to my friends, I knew you were the one because of the way you smiled/ looked at me/ embarrassed me so much I have had to find new friends.
I hope I get to spend my life/ your overdraft with you, thank you for everything/ nothing.
Lots of love/ utter contempt
(insert your name or sexist pet name they use for you)

3. Play a board game together and let them win. Nothing says love like letting a fool win at Monopoly even though their tactics are terrible, and they should know by now that you can never win by relying on a hotel on Old Kent Road.
4. Root through your cupboards and fridge to find something unopened. When they unwrap it and look at you questioningly, get all excited and squeal 'I know that Heinz Baked Beans are your favourite!'
Makes you look thoughtful and concerned that they're getting a nutritional diet.
Boom, you're a keeper.
5. Create a coupon book. Whilst this can genuinely be a really good gift, I'd definitely include things like 'I will give you the remote', and 'I will admit I'm wrong and let you win this argument'.
Just be sure to add short expiry dates in tiny, faint writing just to add a hint of evil.
6. Agree to watch their favourite film, and not comment too often about how Keanu Reeves is exactly the same character in every movie he's in. Sometimes I think he wasn't intentionally an actor, he just accidentally walked onto a set one day and he didn't have the heart to tell them he wasn't 'The Chosen One'.
7. Give them a back massage. And for those of you who don't know how, it's just like trying to rub an inevitable morning toothpaste mark out of your shirt in the morning. Just do that on their shoulder blades with slowly-increasing pressure until it gets so painful they ask you to stop. The plus side to this one is that you will never be asked to give another massage again- aww yiss!
8. Cut out hundreds of heart shapes from plain paper and scatter them around their room. On the hearts, write things that you love about them, or your favourite memories together. However, vent your anger and give them a piece of your mind on a few, just to shake things up a bit.
Note- this one works better for long-term relationships... it'll probably come across as a bit creepy if you've only known them a few weeks and have broken into their room just to litter it with cut out bits of paper.
9. Quote their favourite memes or lyrics throughout the day. Bonus points for inappropriate timings, especially if the lyrics you are quoting are by Sean Paul.
10. Try your absolute hardest not to be an asshole to them for a whole day.

So, there we go, my 10 gift ideas, that really prove how little is free in today's world. 
Disclaimer: Unless your partner is very understanding, the majority of these ideas will probably get you dumped. I will not accept liability for people with broken shoulders because your massage didn't work out.
What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Let me know in the comments :)

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Sunday, February 2, 2014

The Ramblings of a Frazzled Mind

Hello, toasters!
It's times like this I wish I could just fly away and have a holiday to escape the January Blues & English weather.
I'm now at that point after Christmas where I'm eating everything and never feeling full.
It seems that I've only just had dinner when my asshole of an inner conscious tells me that i need chocolate ASAP.
The only thing keeping me from eating my own weight in chocolate is my chocolate machine that I got for Christmas, because to get the chocolate I need to give it 10p. And 99% of the time, I don't have even that much going spare.
At the moment, my bank balance is in minus figures.
It would be okay, but my bank texts me every morning just to remind me how poor I am.
This is terrible for three main reasons:
1. I'm broke and a general failure at life.
2. I now begin every day with a bout of depression
3. They always text me waaaay too early, so I start each day sleepy and sad. A mix that any student after hand-in can tell you is bad.
Thanks, Bank.
I feel like I'm really busy this term, with no time for anything but my work.
Whilst I am glad that I'm completely throwing myself into my work, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss wasting away three days on tumblr/pinterest/netflix/youtube/all of the above.
I know this post is short, and not at all focused, but my brain is honestly frazzled. I don't know how long i'll feel like this- like some sort of bewildered being that isn't quite registering anything- but hopefully it passes pretty quick.
I'll leave you with this... my favourite Sherlock meme for season 3

See you soon

P.S. if would mean the world to me if you could fill in this quick survey about Opera? You really don't have to know anything about Opera, but it's for my project and only 5 questions long... pleeeeease?!

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