Wednesday, February 12, 2014

22 Kick-Ass Comebacks

Hello, toasters!
Along with the happy people excited for Valentine's Day, there are the people that hate and repel everything to do with the holiday, much like most people's reaction to a Jehovah's Witnesses house call.
I'd be fine with this 'I hate everything romantic' view if they kept it up the whole time, but it mostly just seems to depend on their current relationship status.
(Also, I know that Valentine's is an occasion made to sell cards and chocolates at extortionate prices, but I guess I'm a sheep in that respect... baaaa)
So, as Valentine's Day seems to always spark some deep-rooted arguments concerning the rather shaky roots of modern society, I have come up with 22 Kick-Ass Comebacks, with the hope that if you find yourself in an argument, you can whip one of these out and sound completely bad ass.

  1. Go play in traffic.
  2. If you were a Pokemon, I wouldn't choose you. Ever.
  3. If you were a search engine, you'd be
  4. I would reply with a relevant comeback, but I'm afraid I zoned out from you talking a long time ago.
  5. You're as dead to me as Fred Weasley (too soon?)
  6. Keep rolling your eyes, you may find a brain back there. But I won't hold my breath.
  7. Have a nice day... somewhere else.
  8. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? It must have done, look at what it did to your face!
  9. I'm already visualising ductape over your mouth.
  10. If this were Sherlock, you'd be Anderson- when you talk out loud you lower the IQ of the whole street.
  11. If I were a meme, I'd be Bad Luck Brian because you're in my life.
  12. If you were Primrose Everdeen, not even Katniss would volunteer as tribute.
  13. If we were a box of Celebrations, you'd be the Snickers.
  14. Do you annoy people professionally, or is it just a hobby?
  15. Whilst I'm offended by what you say, I'm just glad you're using words to make full sentences now.
  16. I'm sorry, I can't meet up with you, I'm busy gouging my eyes out with a blunt spoon.
  17. Even Lucien Freud doesn't want to paint you (art specific one there!)
  18. You're a walking advert for abortions.
  19. You should probably hide, the rubbish collectors will be here any minute.
  20. Roses are red, violets are blue, you look like a skunk and smell like one too.
  21. I would call you a retard, but that's an insult to retards.
  22. I wish we lived in Westeros, so I could send you to The Wall forever.

So there you go, hopefully now you'll be able to say one of these rather than think of something 20 minutes after the argument.
What are your favourite comebacks? Let me know in the comments :)
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Have a great Valentine's Day!


  1. Hey Sammie!
    I LOVED this! Hilarious! How do you come up with these things? ;)
    You know, as a #foreveralone I don't celebrate Valentine's day, that is, I do, but in my own way (sex and the city + a lot of ice cream + a barbra streisand movie = my perfect valentine), so I found this super enlightening :D
    You develop a really unique and truly enjoyable style, give me time and I'll read through your old posts too... :)

  2. Thanks Marc!
    I love your writing style too, you've really gotten into the swing of things & it's really engaging stuff :)
    Even if I wasn't dating Dan, I'd still use Valentine's Day as an excuse to spend some time with my two favourite men- Ben & Jerry!
    Really glad you liked it

    P.S. Cookie Dough RULES

  3. Loving the hunger games picture reference :)

    Mon Petit Billet