Thursday, January 9, 2014

Drunk Thoughts 2

Hello, toasters!
So yes, due to the events of this evening, I find myself intoxicated yet again.
By 'events', I mean the casual suggestion of an after-dinner drink at home, which was followed by 5 hours of hardcore cocktail drinking.
And by 'hardcore cocktail', I mean the Apple Sourz mixer that tastes SO BAD that I got for Christmas, and I figured that I may as well drink it whilst drunk, so that I wouldn't be able to register how bad it tastes.

Sorry, no illustration today- I'm definitely not in a fit state to even attempt picking up a pen.
However, I hope you enjoy this photograph, which I took whilst on holiday...
and it kind of links to my alcohol theme... right?!
So here is a list of embarrassing things that I have done this evening, that I definitely would not have done if it weren't for the alcohol coursing through my veins:

  • I may have tried to fit six full-sized Oreo cookies into my mouth at the same time.
  • I may have made a friend of mine who has recently come out as being a lesbian touch my boobs to fell how bouncy they are.
  • I may have set my housemate's wallpaper photo as a graphic image of gay porn.

So really, for me, that isn't too bad at all!
Now I don't want you guys to think that I'm a raving alcoholic- whilst I may enjoy a drink or two, I rarely go out, instead preferring the comfort of Netflix and a duvet.
But I thought, as I am slightly inebriated, I may as well make another 'drunk reflections on life' post, which I can cringe at tomorrow when I wake up.
Here goes nothing...

Why is it so difficult to use an umbrella?
I'm talking about when it's properly raining, with hurricane-esque winds to match... no-one ever prepares you for the difficulty of this task, for how many umbrellas you will disfigure on your travels.
And another thing that makes umbrella use impossible for the overly-polite Brit is umbrella etiquette.
If I am walking towards someone who is also using an umbrella on a slim pavement, what is the accepted procedure? 
We end up doing the trying-to-dodge-each-other pavement dance, which is made infinitely worse by the fact that the umbrellas get tangled up with each other.
Unwritten British law states that you cannot interact with a stranger in public for more than 15 seconds without having to get engaged, married, and raise at least two children named after biblical characters.

On Christmas, why do loads of random relatives that I've never heard of suddenly appear? 
Surely it's cheaper to make contact when it's not the holiday season, so we don't feel pressured into buying each other bath salts that we wrap in cellophane to disguise the fact that zero effort went into the gift.
Long lost Auntie makes contact in July? 
Cool, we should go to the beach together sometime.
Long lost Auntie makes contact in late November?
Better buy her some chocolates and hope she isn't lactose intolerant.

'Dogs are basically cats with an attention-seeking complex.' -Sammie
As a cat lover, and academic, I can say that the above statement is completely true. 
Dogs need walks, whereas cats take the initiative and entertain themselves for the day, like functioning members of society.
Dogs, however, need haircuts, walks and specialist toys, which mostly get buried in your new flowerbed of roses.
If a child did that as a token of thanks for free lodging in your home, you'd put them in care.
Don't even pretend you wouldn't. 

So, dear toasters, (and all of those people that have stumbled across my website and wonder why I am referring to you as a kitchen appliance) I will leave you with this old photograph I have just this minute found on my hard drive.
Katniss Everdeen, eat your heart out.

Disclaimer: If my sister Gina gets chosen in the reaping, I will not volunteer
as tribute. She's a little git.


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1 comment:

  1. This post is hilarious! I rather liked the umbrella reflection. That's something I haven't ever thought of before - probably because it barely rains here :c

    Hope your housemate doesn't freak out too much over the wallpaper :P