Friday, February 7, 2014

Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine's gifts

Hello, toasters!

It's officially 1 week to go until Valentine's Day!
Now is the time for frantic phone calls, desperately trying to get a table in that Italian place you didn't know was there until you Googled it this morning.
Nowadays it seems like we don't just have to shell out money for a card, posh dinner, and  itchy polyester underwear that came straight from a porno, but we also have to buy gifts for each other too.
This is an issue, as I literally have no money. 
And what little money I do have is instantly zapped by the University via payments for school trips, art supplies and disappointing Hoi Sin wraps.
Therefore, I need to think of some cool budget-friendly stuff that I can do.
Here are my Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine' gifts

1.  Cook a meal at home. And by 'cook', I do not mean Dominos or microwavable stuff. Keep it classy. However, if you go to Waitrose and find they have something you could believably pass off as your own, go for it... just get rid of the packaging first!
Oh, the struggles of being a modern woman.
2. Send him (or her, I don't judge) a romantic, heartfelt note.
For those of us that don't have time for that crap, I've made a template you may all use...

Dear (insert name here),
Although we have only been together for a week/ a few months/ too long why are you still here, I know my feelings for you are true. 
You make me feel like no-one else can; when I am with you I feel happy/ on top of the world/ constipated.
I remember our first date when you took me to (insert name of crappy 'restaurant' he took you to, which really should have been an early warning sign) and we talked about whatever sport he inevitably talked about all night long.
And when I introduced me to my friends, I knew you were the one because of the way you smiled/ looked at me/ embarrassed me so much I have had to find new friends.
I hope I get to spend my life/ your overdraft with you, thank you for everything/ nothing.
Lots of love/ utter contempt
(insert your name or sexist pet name they use for you)

3. Play a board game together and let them win. Nothing says love like letting a fool win at Monopoly even though their tactics are terrible, and they should know by now that you can never win by relying on a hotel on Old Kent Road.
4. Root through your cupboards and fridge to find something unopened. When they unwrap it and look at you questioningly, get all excited and squeal 'I know that Heinz Baked Beans are your favourite!'
Makes you look thoughtful and concerned that they're getting a nutritional diet.
Boom, you're a keeper.
5. Create a coupon book. Whilst this can genuinely be a really good gift, I'd definitely include things like 'I will give you the remote', and 'I will admit I'm wrong and let you win this argument'.
Just be sure to add short expiry dates in tiny, faint writing just to add a hint of evil.
6. Agree to watch their favourite film, and not comment too often about how Keanu Reeves is exactly the same character in every movie he's in. Sometimes I think he wasn't intentionally an actor, he just accidentally walked onto a set one day and he didn't have the heart to tell them he wasn't 'The Chosen One'.
7. Give them a back massage. And for those of you who don't know how, it's just like trying to rub an inevitable morning toothpaste mark out of your shirt in the morning. Just do that on their shoulder blades with slowly-increasing pressure until it gets so painful they ask you to stop. The plus side to this one is that you will never be asked to give another massage again- aww yiss!
8. Cut out hundreds of heart shapes from plain paper and scatter them around their room. On the hearts, write things that you love about them, or your favourite memories together. However, vent your anger and give them a piece of your mind on a few, just to shake things up a bit.
Note- this one works better for long-term relationships... it'll probably come across as a bit creepy if you've only known them a few weeks and have broken into their room just to litter it with cut out bits of paper.
9. Quote their favourite memes or lyrics throughout the day. Bonus points for inappropriate timings, especially if the lyrics you are quoting are by Sean Paul.
10. Try your absolute hardest not to be an asshole to them for a whole day.

So, there we go, my 10 gift ideas, that really prove how little is free in today's world. 
Disclaimer: Unless your partner is very understanding, the majority of these ideas will probably get you dumped. I will not accept liability for people with broken shoulders because your massage didn't work out.
What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Let me know in the comments :)

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