The Ramblings of a Frazzled Mind

Hello, toasters!
It's times like this I wish I could just fly away and have a holiday to escape the January Blues & English weather.
I'm now at that point after Christmas where I'm eating everything and never feeling full.
It seems that I've only just had dinner when my asshole of an inner conscious tells me that i need chocolate ASAP.
The only thing keeping me from eating my own weight in chocolate is my chocolate machine that I got for Christmas, because to get the chocolate I need to give it 10p. And 99% of the time, I don't have even that much going spare.
At the moment, my bank balance is in minus figures.
It would be okay, but my bank texts me every morning just to remind me how poor I am.
This is terrible for three main reasons:
1. I'm broke and a general failure at life.
2. I now begin every day with a bout of depression
3. They always text me waaaay too early, so I start each day sleepy and sad. A mix that any student after hand-in can tell you is bad.
Thanks, Bank.
I feel like I'm really busy this term, with no time for anything but my work.
Whilst I am glad that I'm completely throwing myself into my work, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss wasting away three days on tumblr/pinterest/netflix/youtube/all of the above.
I know this post is short, and not at all focused, but my brain is honestly frazzled. I don't know how long i'll feel like this- like some sort of bewildered being that isn't quite registering anything- but hopefully it passes pretty quick.
I'll leave you with this... my favourite Sherlock meme for season 3

See you soon
Sammie
xoxo

P.S. if would mean the world to me if you could fill in this quick survey about Opera? You really don't have to know anything about Opera, but it's for my project and only 5 questions long... pleeeeease?!

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Why I hate Student Finance England & what I would do to them if I had the chance...

So I am an art student, entering into my second year at University.
Or, at least, I hope I will be.
Because, although I have achieved very respectable grades, I might not be let back in.
Why, you might ask?
Well lets turn to Student Finance England for that one.
It turns out these assholes haven't processed my application yet. Not any one of the three applications that I have sent them, over the course of several months. And I need to sort my tuition fee payments before I can re-enrol.

So as I was having a delightful discussion with one of their employees on the phone today (by 'delightful', I mean not at all useful and almost impossible to understand due to his thick Irish accent), you can imagine my delight at being told vague answers to quite straight forward applications.
Me: 'When will I know about the status of my application?'
SFE: 'Every application is different. It could be fourty milliseconds, it could be three lightyears from now'
Me: 'Have you even received my application? I sent the last one more than three weeks ago by recorded delivery'
SFE :'Everything we receive by post takes up to 10 days to be scanned into the system. I have no record of it being in the system'
Me: 'But I sent it more than twenty one days ago'
SFE: 'Oh look, a butterfly'
*Student Finance England then hangs up on me*
Absolutely. Freaking. Delightful.

What I don't understand is how clearly understaffed they are.
What, they can't hire a few more people to scan in postal orders, or look through forms to see that everything is in check?
Yes, I know that students are a large demographic, but seriously? It's not like you can pretend to be surprised by these numbers
You do the same thing year in year out.
Hasn't one person in the company got the common sense to think hmmm, it's only Frank and Bob down there, scanning in the entire student populations' application forms, maybe we should hire a couple more people to help.
10 days to literally just scan a few pages?! Is that a joke?

Take a minute to think about it... have you ever actually known anyone, anyone at all, that has had a good experience with this company?
.....
well?
I bet the answer is no.
Student Finance England: Forever screwing people over from possibly the most financially vulnerable demographic there is.

And another thing that makes this whole situation even more unbearable?
When I go on to their website, they proudly announce the launch of their new student finance magazine!
So instead of actually getting work done, you've been pissing around releasing a magazine that no-one will ever read unless they are stuck on a desert island, and it's the only piece of literature available. And maybe not even then.
Cheers for that, SFE.

So here is a list of what I would do to the Student Finance England company, had I the chance:

1. I would lock them in a room with Keith Lemon and Janet Street-Porter.
2. I would spend my entire maintenance loan- if it ever arrives- on cooking oil. I would boil said oil, and then dip each member of staff in. (I realise this one is a bit dark, but then again, I'm pretty angry and upset right now)
3. I would superglue headphones to their ears and put 'Friday' on repeat.
4. I would enter them into the Hunger Games
5. I would visit their offices, and glue everything to the ceiling- chairs, desks, papers and all (Just like the monkeys did in Roald Dahl's The Twits)
6. I would leave them on the edge of outer space.
7. I would make them sit through Gordon Brown reading the whole of the Old Testament, and every time they fell asleep, they'd lose a finger. 
8. I would drop them in North Korea with an important-looking briefcase containing documents written in code.
9. I would attach them to Jedward, one on each hip.
10. I would make them go back to University, and apply for a loan through their own system.

Okay, rant over.
And I've got to say, I feel a little better already.
Next time, I promise I'll be more upbeat!
I just seriously needed to get that off my chest
See you next time,
Sammie
xoxo

P.S. If you hate them as much as I do, take a look at the Board members page on their website. I think this is good for a couple of reasons...
1. It helps direct your anger.
2. I found slight relief in laughing at their awful photographs, mainly because two thirds of them look like the socially-awkward guests at a barbeque. The ones where the other guests spend well over an hour debating if they'll ever get laid, and if there's any truth in the claim they have an Oedipus complex.

How to give someone a proper taste of London

Hello, toasters!
It's been a busy few weeks for me, as I have been working at a summer camp.


At work on Mexican Day, in our moustaches
 and flattering yellow tee shirts

No one can ever fully prepare you for working with 150 children by simply giving you a few sessions of 'training'.
I use the term training loosely as I don't really think that a few lectures discussing the importance of play can really prep you for building forts, playing dodgeball and diffusing a heated argument over silly string.

On one of my days off, I went to London with my boyfriend Dan, and the countless lost-looking tourists wandering around gave me the idea to write this.
Let me begin by saying that I am no Messiah of London, I do not know everything awesome there is to do, so this will just be my suggestions from my own experiences.
That said, I am the Messiah of the London Underground. We understand each other, no questions asked.

Let's begin with travel. Definitely get the train, it's so much better than traffic, paying the conjestion charge, more traffic and then an intense fight for what seems like the only parking spot in the whole city.
If you don't like the person you're showing around, get the train at rush hour. You'll be crowded in like a tin of sardines, so the person whom you dislike will definitely not want you to be their tour guide ever again. Perfect.

If you have a Merlin pass, I'd recommend going straight to the London Eye. The longest I've ever had to queue is about half an hour, and even on a rainy day the views are still pretty sweet.
However, I'd definitely avoid the field in front of the London Eye, unless snap-happy pouting Chinese schoolgirl tourists are your thing.
And if they are your thing, I'm not sure whether you should be out in public unsupervised.

Then take the Northern line up to Camden Lock. Even if you're not a cyberpunk/ emo/ goth/ scene kid coated in metal and eyeliner, it has something for everyone.

An old photo of me riding Aslan, the Camden Lock Lion

The coolest thing about eating lunch in Camden is that you get to feel like a total badass sitting on the motorbike seats.
But be warned, if you start acting like an asshole Son of Anarchy, or start humming Born in the USA, you will get punched in the spleen.

Because we are British, a large part of our national identity revolves around the art of tea drinking.
So it goes without saying that you need to go to at least one café during your day to unwind and have a moan about how tourists are everywhere.
I'd recommend the Haagen Dazs café in Leister square. It's a little on the expensive side, but the hot chocolate is incredible.
Once I went over the top and ordered a large chocolate brownie, covered in chocolate sauce and chocolate balls, accompanied by two scoops of chocolate cookie ice cream and rich hot chocolate.
Now I love  chocolate. But this dish was so indulgent, I never wanted to even lay eyes upon chocolate ever again.
But although I ended up feeling like an over-inflated chocolate smeared balloon, it was awesome.



Next stop: M&M world!
I never knew there could be so much merchandise inspired from a packet of chocolate, but it was a definite eye opener.
Not only are you bought face to face with the epitome of consumerist culture, you don't even care because they pump the air full of chocolate!
I don't even like M&Ms, but I genuinely left with a packet of them after spending just 20 minutes in the store.

Now maybe it's because I'm a theatre freak, but I find that a day to London is incomplete without a trip to the West End.
While there a lots of shows out there, my favourite has got to be Priscilla: Queen of the Desert.
I mean.... drag queens, a tour bus and a dress made exclusively from flip flops... what could be better?

Finish off by going to the late showing at The Comedy Store. It's where loads of great comedians started out, and frequently has awesome comedians like Paul Merton and Josie Lawrence performing.

So, there we have it- my ingredients for an awesome day out in the Capital.
What floats your boat when you're in London?
Let me know!

See you soon,
Sammie
xoxo