Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Summer Commences...

Hello, toasters!
I know, I know, it's been a while.
But I'm sure, with time and counselling, you'll be able to forgive me for my lack of recent posts.
The last term of uni has been really intense, with two hand-ins only a week apart. I basically feel like I’ve been pulled apart, limb by limb, by screaming children who all want to run off in different directions. But, like Supernanny, I managed to put them all on the naughty step and pull together two submissions that I’m actually really proud of.
 (Sammie 1- Metaphorical screaming children 0)
I've just come back from holiday in Lemnos, Greece. Before I left, I couldn't remember the exact name of the island, so when anyone asked me where I was headed I mumbled something made up and Greek-sounding like 'Kevlaka' or 'Steffikos'. A surprising number of people responded with 'ooh, I think I've been there!' so it quickly became my new favourite hobby.

Myrina, Lemnos

Lemnos was beautiful,  and I had a great time sailing (or at least attempting to) and meeting some really interesting people. I know it sounds soppy, but my favourite moment was watching the thunderstorm whilst curled up in my hammock with my sketchbook. I don't think I could get any more 'arty' if i tried.
Nicki Minaj hair time
The only downside with going on holiday is that my hair has gone from bright red to a faded pink/ coral colour. I can fix it back up no problem, but what's annoying is the fact that my family really likes it this way and are trying to get me to keep it this colour. I even got offered a bribe by my stepmum yesterday!!
Whilst this could be a nifty way to extort money and/or cake from my family, I miss the red so much and can't wait to go back to my usual, vibrant self.
So, to truly signal the start of summer, I thought I had better throw a party. And what better occasion than my 20th birthday? 
They'll be plenty of mojitos and cake pops, and plenty of cups of tea as it's a 'best of British' tea party. Currently, my biggest issue is how to dress up as the Queen without, well... looking like the Queen I guess. Although her unimpressed-who-the-hell-is-Will.i.am face completely stole the show at the Jubilee.
I don't have too many plans for summer yet, but I'm sure it will involve lots of trips to the pub, taking in lots of exhibitions in London and weeping over a paintbrush, trying to be as good as the artists in the aforementioned exhibitions.
I'm currently in limbo, waiting for the uni to let us know whose set design has been chosen for the Autumn AUB production 'The Rights of Man'. If my design gets chosen, it will actually be built and put on in November! So fingers crossed! (and toes! And eyes! And anything else that can be crossed!)
We went for a very abstract approach with everything taking on a hand-drawn quality. Here are a few pictures of my 1:25 scale set model so you can see what I’ve been working on…

 What are your plans for summer? Let me know in the comments :) 
Watch this space

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Thursday, April 10, 2014

Red hair & Rigoletto designs

Hello, toasters!
It’s been a while, but I’m afraid I had to put my blogging on hold whilst I was trying not to drown in my latest design project.
You’ll be glad to know that I’ve handed in, and it only took a few all-nighters, 3 models of a castle and enough caffeine to give a blue whale a heart condition.
I did cut my leg quite a lot with a scalpel (one of the many perils of modelmaking) and one of the cuts is pretty deep and looking infected….. I should probably do something about that rather than just sit here and type…..
*runs to the bathroom and douses lethal wound in TCP*
So as I haven’t blogged in a month (I missed you all!), I thought I’d do a catch-up post, just to let you know where I am in this overpriced and under-chocolate-filled maze we call ‘life’.
Let’s start with the biggest change- I’VE DYED MY HAIR BRIGHT RED!!!!

It’s halfway between Ariel the little mermaid and Jessica Rabbit, and it definitely looks like I’ve murdered someone a la Psycho every time I have a shower (which I find very amusing).
I’m looking forward to Halowe’en, as this hair colour really does open up a whole host of fancy dress opportunities.  If I was less of a hermit, I would just get my ass to a comicon-type gathering but
a. I’m broke and
b. I like being snuggled up under a duvet and watching Netflix too much.
I’ve wanted to go this colour for ages, and I’m so glad that I finally had the balls to say goodbye to low-maintenance and employable-looking hair.
I mean, Uni is the time to experiment, right? So far, I’ve only experimented with different shapes of pasta and various scented handwashes, so I thought it was about time I started acting my age rather than 60.
Honestly, my mindset has been so ‘old lady’ lately, I even considered making my own jam. Then I remembered that it’s only 50p in Sainsburys and I really don’t have time for that.
One more thing that’s new- I’m now employed!
I work at the university library, putting all the books back when the students cba so just leave huge piles of them everywhere. I’m called a ‘Library Shelver’, but that’s far too serious for me so I’ve coined the term ‘Shelf Elf’, which I think is far more fun and invokes an image of me sat on a shelf singing away merrily.
The great thing is, all of us shelf elves are students, so the fact that my hair is brighter than Simon Cowell’s teeth is absolutely fine!
Another welcome change is the state of my usually barren fridge, which for some reason always seems to contain random cloves of garlic. As my mum dropped me back home after the Spring break, it's full and one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
*wipes a tear away as I look on at my beautiful full fridge*
As you can probably imagine, the chocolate yogurts disappeared rather quickly...
The only other big thing that's happened to me is my hand in, but considering I've been working on this project for 3 months, it feels like a massive achievement.
I've been designing the costumes and set for the opera Rigoletto, within the beautiful ruins of Corfe Castle. I got really into the costume designs, with each character drawing inspiration from a different insect.
Here's a quick look at my costume designs & set boxes, just so you guys know what I've been working on

What do you think? And what's new with you guys? Let me know in the comments! :)
Watch this space!

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Sunday, March 2, 2014

Some important life lessons I've learned along the way

Hello, toasters!
For those of you who have previously read this blog, you may find it pretty rich that I, of all people, am handing out advice on this untested, eventually-fatal rollercoaster we call 'life'.
But, I'd like to believe that I've learnt a few things whilst making my many, many mistakes, and I wish to share my wisdom with all you lovely people.
Disclaimer: I use the term 'wisdom' very loosely.

First off, you know what they say about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer? Screw that!
Surrounding yourself with people you don't like and/or trust is never going to work well.
What if you become their bridesmaid and they ask you to help them pee in their huge wedding dress?
You get the initial 'eww' with the added bonus of resenting the person because you don't even like them, you just kept them close because some cliche drama told you to.
Good job.

Secondly, don't hoard money like there's no tomorrow. 
If you're saving up for something, then that's great, but I'm talking about the people who constantly save for a 'rainy day' then never use it.
What if today is your metaphorical 'rainy day' and spending £20 on a night out with the girls will cheer you up immensely?
I admit I am really quite broke right now, but I put that down to paying for a school trip in January that I didn't expect to be as expensive as it was. So yes, I am being a teensy bit hypocritical on this one....
But if you want to do something, and your funds allow it, then go for it!
Life is to be lived, not to be indefinitely shut away watching Netflix (although that is a substantial part of it).
Whilst saying yes to everything will probably get you an STI, saying no to absolutely everything will just make you miserable. Whilst you shouldn't go to either extreme, try to find a balance that doesn't result in misery or herpes.

Next up, try to enjoy each type of weather the different seasons bring.
I don't mean every single day, because sometimes the weather can be a complete pain, but every so often just stop to appreciate the power of the wind, or the beautiful stormy clouds before they go.
One of my best experiences in New York was walking around Times Square in the rain. I'd given my coat to my Grandma who had lost hers (of course) and I realised I'd forgotten how fun it was to embrace the rain and let it fall on your skin rather than cover up and run from it.
What I'm trying to say is that learning to appreciate the little things that happen every single day will make things in general seem a lot brighter, and you'll start to notice loads more things that you didn't even know you appreciated.
Personally. I've realised that I really appreciate drivers who actually indicate. Go figure.

Finally, find something or someone that makes you overwhelmingly happy.
It could be an old jumper that smells like home, or Tom Hiddleston's ass. Whatever floats your boat.
Just find something and indulge in it, at least once a week to make you feel great again.
For me, it's my talking Pokemon plushie Snivy. I don't know why, but putting a voicebox into a toy kind of makes it an adorable pet.
It was a toss up between Snivy and my boyfriend, but Dan, you aren't a Pokemon with ridiculously tiny legs so I'm afraid you lost out.
I'll leave you with a photo of Snivy just so you can see how cute she is :3
What life lessons have you got to share? Let me know in the comments & don't forget to subscribe :)


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Monday, February 24, 2014

I suck at life. Generally speaking.

Hello, toasters!
Now before we go any further, I must depart one dreadful, all-consuming piece of information... I, Sammie, am a terrible human being.
I don't mean that in a Hitler way, because I'm really not into the whole supreme race thing.
I guess what I'm trying to say in my awkward, slightly-uncomfortable, long-winded way is that I'm terrible at being a human being.
Whatever you believe we have been put on this Earth for, I'm clearly doing it wrong.
When it comes to seizing the day & Carpe Diem, my forever-lazy day starts at about 2pm so there's really not much left to seize.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I really feel like I'm not quite cutting it in the game of life.
Like if I were a crisp, I'd be one of the ones you have to rustle out at the end.
That's a weird comparison, but it works in my head so i'll leave it in there.
Life at the minute feels like a series of oscillations- moving to and from project ideas, music, classes, moods, isolation, and artistic ability.
That last one is particularly annoying... it seems that my artistic ability on any given day is random and can change rapidly for no apparent reason. So when I find that I'm having a good drawing day, I try to cram as much in as possible because I don't know when the next one will spring up.
One thing that remains unchanging is my confusion. I'm now half way through University and I'm still none the wiser for how I'm going to make my sometimes-shaky life choices work.
I'm really trying to absorb as much knowledge as possible, but it gets difficult when lecturers make you throw plastic bags in the air to 'let the inanimate objects live their life as they want to, without imposing our egos onto them'.
I'm paraphrasing, but this woman was basically asking us whether the plastic bags really want to carry our shopping or not.
£8,600 per year well spent I think.

Sorry this post has been a little different from what I usually post, I guess I'm a little out of touch and just putting things out there :)
See you soon,

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

22 Kick-Ass Comebacks

Hello, toasters!
Along with the happy people excited for Valentine's Day, there are the people that hate and repel everything to do with the holiday, much like most people's reaction to a Jehovah's Witnesses house call.
I'd be fine with this 'I hate everything romantic' view if they kept it up the whole time, but it mostly just seems to depend on their current relationship status.
(Also, I know that Valentine's is an occasion made to sell cards and chocolates at extortionate prices, but I guess I'm a sheep in that respect... baaaa)
So, as Valentine's Day seems to always spark some deep-rooted arguments concerning the rather shaky roots of modern society, I have come up with 22 Kick-Ass Comebacks, with the hope that if you find yourself in an argument, you can whip one of these out and sound completely bad ass.

  1. Go play in traffic.
  2. If you were a Pokemon, I wouldn't choose you. Ever.
  3. If you were a search engine, you'd be Bing.com.
  4. I would reply with a relevant comeback, but I'm afraid I zoned out from you talking a long time ago.
  5. You're as dead to me as Fred Weasley (too soon?)
  6. Keep rolling your eyes, you may find a brain back there. But I won't hold my breath.
  7. Have a nice day... somewhere else.
  8. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? It must have done, look at what it did to your face!
  9. I'm already visualising ductape over your mouth.
  10. If this were Sherlock, you'd be Anderson- when you talk out loud you lower the IQ of the whole street.
  11. If I were a meme, I'd be Bad Luck Brian because you're in my life.
  12. If you were Primrose Everdeen, not even Katniss would volunteer as tribute.
  13. If we were a box of Celebrations, you'd be the Snickers.
  14. Do you annoy people professionally, or is it just a hobby?
  15. Whilst I'm offended by what you say, I'm just glad you're using words to make full sentences now.
  16. I'm sorry, I can't meet up with you, I'm busy gouging my eyes out with a blunt spoon.
  17. Even Lucien Freud doesn't want to paint you (art specific one there!)
  18. You're a walking advert for abortions.
  19. You should probably hide, the rubbish collectors will be here any minute.
  20. Roses are red, violets are blue, you look like a skunk and smell like one too.
  21. I would call you a retard, but that's an insult to retards.
  22. I wish we lived in Westeros, so I could send you to The Wall forever.

So there you go, hopefully now you'll be able to say one of these rather than think of something 20 minutes after the argument.
What are your favourite comebacks? Let me know in the comments :)
Don't forget to subscribe for new content
Have a great Valentine's Day!

Friday, February 7, 2014

Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine's gifts

Hello, toasters!

It's officially 1 week to go until Valentine's Day!
Now is the time for frantic phone calls, desperately trying to get a table in that Italian place you didn't know was there until you Googled it this morning.
Nowadays it seems like we don't just have to shell out money for a card, posh dinner, and  itchy polyester underwear that came straight from a porno, but we also have to buy gifts for each other too.
This is an issue, as I literally have no money. 
And what little money I do have is instantly zapped by the University via payments for school trips, art supplies and disappointing Hoi Sin wraps.
Therefore, I need to think of some cool budget-friendly stuff that I can do.
Here are my Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine' gifts

1.  Cook a meal at home. And by 'cook', I do not mean Dominos or microwavable stuff. Keep it classy. However, if you go to Waitrose and find they have something you could believably pass off as your own, go for it... just get rid of the packaging first!
Oh, the struggles of being a modern woman.
2. Send him (or her, I don't judge) a romantic, heartfelt note.
For those of us that don't have time for that crap, I've made a template you may all use...

Dear (insert name here),
Although we have only been together for a week/ a few months/ too long why are you still here, I know my feelings for you are true. 
You make me feel like no-one else can; when I am with you I feel happy/ on top of the world/ constipated.
I remember our first date when you took me to (insert name of crappy 'restaurant' he took you to, which really should have been an early warning sign) and we talked about whatever sport he inevitably talked about all night long.
And when I introduced me to my friends, I knew you were the one because of the way you smiled/ looked at me/ embarrassed me so much I have had to find new friends.
I hope I get to spend my life/ your overdraft with you, thank you for everything/ nothing.
Lots of love/ utter contempt
(insert your name or sexist pet name they use for you)

3. Play a board game together and let them win. Nothing says love like letting a fool win at Monopoly even though their tactics are terrible, and they should know by now that you can never win by relying on a hotel on Old Kent Road.
4. Root through your cupboards and fridge to find something unopened. When they unwrap it and look at you questioningly, get all excited and squeal 'I know that Heinz Baked Beans are your favourite!'
Makes you look thoughtful and concerned that they're getting a nutritional diet.
Boom, you're a keeper.
5. Create a coupon book. Whilst this can genuinely be a really good gift, I'd definitely include things like 'I will give you the remote', and 'I will admit I'm wrong and let you win this argument'.
Just be sure to add short expiry dates in tiny, faint writing just to add a hint of evil.
6. Agree to watch their favourite film, and not comment too often about how Keanu Reeves is exactly the same character in every movie he's in. Sometimes I think he wasn't intentionally an actor, he just accidentally walked onto a set one day and he didn't have the heart to tell them he wasn't 'The Chosen One'.
7. Give them a back massage. And for those of you who don't know how, it's just like trying to rub an inevitable morning toothpaste mark out of your shirt in the morning. Just do that on their shoulder blades with slowly-increasing pressure until it gets so painful they ask you to stop. The plus side to this one is that you will never be asked to give another massage again- aww yiss!
8. Cut out hundreds of heart shapes from plain paper and scatter them around their room. On the hearts, write things that you love about them, or your favourite memories together. However, vent your anger and give them a piece of your mind on a few, just to shake things up a bit.
Note- this one works better for long-term relationships... it'll probably come across as a bit creepy if you've only known them a few weeks and have broken into their room just to litter it with cut out bits of paper.
9. Quote their favourite memes or lyrics throughout the day. Bonus points for inappropriate timings, especially if the lyrics you are quoting are by Sean Paul.
10. Try your absolute hardest not to be an asshole to them for a whole day.

So, there we go, my 10 gift ideas, that really prove how little is free in today's world. 
Disclaimer: Unless your partner is very understanding, the majority of these ideas will probably get you dumped. I will not accept liability for people with broken shoulders because your massage didn't work out.
What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Let me know in the comments :)

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Sunday, February 2, 2014

The Ramblings of a Frazzled Mind

Hello, toasters!
It's times like this I wish I could just fly away and have a holiday to escape the January Blues & English weather.
I'm now at that point after Christmas where I'm eating everything and never feeling full.
It seems that I've only just had dinner when my asshole of an inner conscious tells me that i need chocolate ASAP.
The only thing keeping me from eating my own weight in chocolate is my chocolate machine that I got for Christmas, because to get the chocolate I need to give it 10p. And 99% of the time, I don't have even that much going spare.
At the moment, my bank balance is in minus figures.
It would be okay, but my bank texts me every morning just to remind me how poor I am.
This is terrible for three main reasons:
1. I'm broke and a general failure at life.
2. I now begin every day with a bout of depression
3. They always text me waaaay too early, so I start each day sleepy and sad. A mix that any student after hand-in can tell you is bad.
Thanks, Bank.
I feel like I'm really busy this term, with no time for anything but my work.
Whilst I am glad that I'm completely throwing myself into my work, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss wasting away three days on tumblr/pinterest/netflix/youtube/all of the above.
I know this post is short, and not at all focused, but my brain is honestly frazzled. I don't know how long i'll feel like this- like some sort of bewildered being that isn't quite registering anything- but hopefully it passes pretty quick.
I'll leave you with this... my favourite Sherlock meme for season 3

See you soon

P.S. if would mean the world to me if you could fill in this quick survey about Opera? You really don't have to know anything about Opera, but it's for my project and only 5 questions long... pleeeeease?!

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Sunday, January 26, 2014

London Trip (Insert Witty Title Here)

Hello, toasters!
So, as some of you who read the last post know, I've just got back from a London uni trip.
I'm so tempted to call it a school trip, but that definitely brings pigtails and pleated skirts to mind, so i'll avoid it.
This is going to be a pretty picture-heavy post, because I have so many awesome photos... mainly from Harry Potter World!
We did so many things- saw Swan Lake, The Commitments, different theatre spaces, tours of opera houses and I even saw Matilda (so cute!) but Harry Potter World beat everything else hands down.
It was basically an explosion of nostalgic childhood memories infused with butterbeer and hyperactivity due to having eaten nothing but a discounted chocolate Santa that morning.
I know, I am an advert for a healthy lifestyle.
So here are a few of my favourite photos, enjoy!

I love the old lady's face in the last one... like she's never seen a bunch of art students (prats) take a self-timer photo before.
We did the classic thing where we all crouched in, although we would have fit fine anyway.
Oh well!
See you next time,

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Sunday, January 19, 2014

London Calling

Hello toasters!
This morning I'm heading into to London for a uni trip- where else would we be able to listen to Opera and spend hundreds of pounds on fabric in the same day?!

It's too late to be drawing a new illustration for this post, so I thought
I'd use this 'illustration selfie' I did a few weeks ago :)

Having to get up at 7am tomorrow will be difficult, made even harder by the fact that I have to leave my bonsai trees behind for a whole week.
Seriously, I never thought I could ever be so connected to a plant... maybe it's just a coping mechanism when I get depressed about:
a. My student loan          
b. My 'future'                 
c. Miley Cyrus' existence   
d. All of the above.         

We're visiting Harry Potter world tomorrow, which I am definitely far too excited about.
I had intended to sew myself a Ravenclaw robe to wear- you know, to actually get my £9,000 tuition fee's worth- but it ended up in the bottom of my wardrobe, where all my other half-finished projects go to die.
I need to try and find the self-restraint to not buy a wand, or else you may find me sobbing in a gutter, waving it and whispering 'accio, money'.
(Muggles, beware of HP terminology)

Looking at my overflowing suitcase, I fear I may have done my usual trick- packing everything but the things I actually need.
One year I went to Spain, forgot my swimwear and had to spend my time in ill-fitting, hastily-purchased bikinis that made a synthetic fart sound every time I moved.
(Sorry, that's probably an overshare, but it's the best example I've got)
The worst thing is, I usually remember what I've forgotten just as I reach my destination, so I'll keep you posted as to what vital thing I've left behind this time.
Spoiler alert: It's usually socks.

I hope you all have a fantastic Monday morning, and get to have the lie in that I wont be able to have.
I'm still debating whether or not to bring my laptop along, so if you don't hear from me for a week, you'll know why.
Watch this space

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Thursday, January 16, 2014

How I got someone to put up with me (love me, even) for a year

Hello, toasters!
So, on the 18th, me and Dan will have been together for a year!

This is my first time drawing Dan, I have yet to work on it.... so don't judge me!

Aside from the fact that he's always hungry (seriously, how can guys eat so much?!), he's practically perfect.
Disclaimer: When I say that, I mean that he's 'practically perfect' for me. I'm aware that not everybody likes their men with long hair, band shirts and a willingness to watch children's cartoons with you at 5am. But that pretty much ticks all the boxes for me.
If you have read this blog before, or have had the unfortunate luck of meeting me in person, you'll know I'm not quite perfect.
I'm clumsy, too loud, childish, and I'm sometimes a little bit thick. (I bought fireworks from Lidl for fireworks night this year. Surprise, surprise, they didn't work, and nearly killed us all to boot. On the plus side though, it was fun)
I also have started to snort when I laugh.
Which is never attractive. Ever.
So, I hear you cry, how did you manage to get someone to put up with you for a whole year?
Well, I think I've distilled my main method into a few key points...

Find that one little thing that they hate and inflict it upon them a few times a week
You know, just so that they appreciate it when you're taking the time and effort not to be a prat.
For Dan, it's Dancing in the Moonlight by Toploader that he hates.
Luckily for him, I love this song, so it's really quite easy for me to hum it around the house, when we're out shopping, or even as he's drifting off to sleep.
Sometimes, when he's tossing and turning in his sleep, an evil part of my brain likes to think that it's that song that's disturbing him so much.

Try new experiences together
For example...
FYI, the 50 Shades of Grey wasn't a joint venture... what he does in his free time is up to him I guess
*cough* FREAK *cough*

Try and get into each others' interests
I actually wrote a post about our Compromises between a Theatre-Lover and Metalhead, and in about a month's time I'll be holding up my end of the deal and going to a metal gig.
If I die in a moshpit, tell my family I love them. And make sure Gina doesn't get all my stuff.
But seriously, dragging a reluctant Dan into the world of 16 & Pregnant and other crappy TV has done wonders for our relationship.
Aside from reminding us how lucky we are, it also acts as a great source of entertainment, as the teen mums invariably give their kids terrible names.
There have been several kids named Bentley now, and I swear one of them got the nickname 'Benterz'.
Stay classy, kids.

Get them to do stuff for you by classing it as 'teamwork'
Don't like the yellow Jelly Tots? Feed them to an unsuspecting sleeping boyfriend.
Need your washing up done? As long as you hug him and sing Toploader whilst he's doing it, it's all good.
I know it's exploitation, but it does mean that I have less things to stress about, meaning I have more time to be a super-awesome Girlfriend, making him sandwiches and shit.
Also, I do the drying up, so I guess that's something?!

So there you have it- an insider's guide to making a long-term relationship work.
To be honest, I'm pretty sure that most of this stuff only works because we're nutters, but hey ho!
What would you recommend for keeping the love alive?
Let me know in the comments :)
See you soon

I've recently realised that if this page doesn't load properly, all the text becomes Comic Sans.
I dont know whether to laugh or cry...

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Thursday, January 9, 2014

Drunk Thoughts 2

Hello, toasters!
So yes, due to the events of this evening, I find myself intoxicated yet again.
By 'events', I mean the casual suggestion of an after-dinner drink at home, which was followed by 5 hours of hardcore cocktail drinking.
And by 'hardcore cocktail', I mean the Apple Sourz mixer that tastes SO BAD that I got for Christmas, and I figured that I may as well drink it whilst drunk, so that I wouldn't be able to register how bad it tastes.

Sorry, no illustration today- I'm definitely not in a fit state to even attempt picking up a pen.
However, I hope you enjoy this photograph, which I took whilst on holiday...
and it kind of links to my alcohol theme... right?!
So here is a list of embarrassing things that I have done this evening, that I definitely would not have done if it weren't for the alcohol coursing through my veins:

  • I may have tried to fit six full-sized Oreo cookies into my mouth at the same time.
  • I may have made a friend of mine who has recently come out as being a lesbian touch my boobs to fell how bouncy they are.
  • I may have set my housemate's wallpaper photo as a graphic image of gay porn.

So really, for me, that isn't too bad at all!
Now I don't want you guys to think that I'm a raving alcoholic- whilst I may enjoy a drink or two, I rarely go out, instead preferring the comfort of Netflix and a duvet.
But I thought, as I am slightly inebriated, I may as well make another 'drunk reflections on life' post, which I can cringe at tomorrow when I wake up.
Here goes nothing...

Why is it so difficult to use an umbrella?
I'm talking about when it's properly raining, with hurricane-esque winds to match... no-one ever prepares you for the difficulty of this task, for how many umbrellas you will disfigure on your travels.
And another thing that makes umbrella use impossible for the overly-polite Brit is umbrella etiquette.
If I am walking towards someone who is also using an umbrella on a slim pavement, what is the accepted procedure? 
We end up doing the trying-to-dodge-each-other pavement dance, which is made infinitely worse by the fact that the umbrellas get tangled up with each other.
Unwritten British law states that you cannot interact with a stranger in public for more than 15 seconds without having to get engaged, married, and raise at least two children named after biblical characters.

On Christmas, why do loads of random relatives that I've never heard of suddenly appear? 
Surely it's cheaper to make contact when it's not the holiday season, so we don't feel pressured into buying each other bath salts that we wrap in cellophane to disguise the fact that zero effort went into the gift.
Long lost Auntie makes contact in July? 
Cool, we should go to the beach together sometime.
Long lost Auntie makes contact in late November?
Better buy her some chocolates and hope she isn't lactose intolerant.

'Dogs are basically cats with an attention-seeking complex.' -Sammie
As a cat lover, and academic, I can say that the above statement is completely true. 
Dogs need walks, whereas cats take the initiative and entertain themselves for the day, like functioning members of society.
Dogs, however, need haircuts, walks and specialist toys, which mostly get buried in your new flowerbed of roses.
If a child did that as a token of thanks for free lodging in your home, you'd put them in care.
Don't even pretend you wouldn't. 

So, dear toasters, (and all of those people that have stumbled across my website and wonder why I am referring to you as a kitchen appliance) I will leave you with this old photograph I have just this minute found on my hard drive.
Katniss Everdeen, eat your heart out.

Disclaimer: If my sister Gina gets chosen in the reaping, I will not volunteer
as tribute. She's a little git.


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Saturday, January 4, 2014

The Last Supper (before I'm back to malnourishment at my student house)

Hello, toasters!
Today I am writing to you from my brand new laptop- a white HP Pavilion laptop that is cooler than the arctic itself. 
However, to get said laptop, I had to go to PC World. For four hours!
Before this, I had just made a 2 hour journey, which put me through the terrifying ordeal of having someone nearly sit next to me on public transport.
Oh, the horror!
So, aside from almost committing mass genocide in PC World, I think my sanity has just about clung on & is still with me. 
I think...
I'm intending to do an illustration for each post, so hopefully i'll improve bit by bit :)
Tomorrow morning, I will be travelling back down to Bournemouth, as I start Uni again on Monday.
I resent this fact for two main reasons: 
  1.  I have to be up at 8am, which is a greatly unreasonable hour for a nocturnal person such as myself.
  2.  Whilst I can cook, I can't afford the quality of food that my mum can here at home.
I will be going from grand roast dinners with all the trimmings to a sandwich from the Co-Op, which may or may not contain real chicken and arguably smells like a pensioner.
Mmmm, I love the smell of pensioner in the morning.

However, there are several things I am looking forward to...
  1.  Seeing all my housemates and friends again, cracking inappropriate 'Your Mum' jokes 24/7 and generally being goofy.
  2.  Being a 30 second walk away from Iceland, which has a good offer on for Pringles.
  3.  Starting classes again
Whilst I love lying in all day and mooching about the house, I really can't wait to dig my teeth into another project. There's something about having a new project that revives my passion and creativity for the arts.
Also, procrastinating is always more fun when you actually have something to avoid.

So now I have the task of packing everything up, which has become a proper challenge as Mum has turned half of my room into a Chinese Laundry.
Last night I couldn't get to sleep for ages, so instead of counting sheep, I counted how many ugly shirts there were hanging up that would benefit from a bout of spontaneous combustion.
So, the next time I post I'll be back in Bournemouth!
Are you looking forward to going back? Let me know in the comments :)
Don't forget to subscribe you cheeky monkeys
(Sorry, I've been spending too much time watching children's TV... because I have younger siblings.... not because I actually enjoy it...don't judge me)

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