22 Kick-Ass Comebacks

Hello, toasters!
Along with the happy people excited for Valentine's Day, there are the people that hate and repel everything to do with the holiday, much like most people's reaction to a Jehovah's Witnesses house call.
I'd be fine with this 'I hate everything romantic' view if they kept it up the whole time, but it mostly just seems to depend on their current relationship status.
(Also, I know that Valentine's is an occasion made to sell cards and chocolates at extortionate prices, but I guess I'm a sheep in that respect... baaaa)
So, as Valentine's Day seems to always spark some deep-rooted arguments concerning the rather shaky roots of modern society, I have come up with 22 Kick-Ass Comebacks, with the hope that if you find yourself in an argument, you can whip one of these out and sound completely bad ass.

1. Go play in traffic.
2. If you were a Pokemon, I wouldn't choose you. Ever.
3. If you were a search engine, you'd be Bing.com.
4. I would reply with a relevant comeback, but I'm afraid I zoned out from you talking a long time ago.
5. You're as dead to me as Fred Weasley (too soon?)
6. Keep rolling your eyes, you may find a brain back there. But I won't hold my breath.
7. Have a nice day... somewhere else.
8. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? It must have done, look at what it did to your face!
9. I'm already visualising ductape over your mouth.
10. If this were Sherlock, you'd be Anderson- when you talk out loud you lower the IQ of the whole street.
11. If I were a meme, I'd be Bad Luck Brian because you're in my life.
12. If you were Primrose Everdeen, not even Katniss would volunteer as tribute.
    
13. If we were a box of Celebrations, you'd be the Snickers.
14. Do you annoy people professionally, or is it just a hobby?
15. Whilst I'm offended by what you say, I'm just glad you're using words to make full sentences now.
16. I'm sorry, I can't meet up with you, I'm busy gouging my eyes out with a blunt spoon.
17. Even Lucien Freud doesn't want to paint you (art specific one there!)
18. You're a walking advert for abortions.
19. You should probably hide, the rubbish collectors will be here any minute.
20. Roses are red, violets are blue, you look like a skunk and smell like one too.
21. I would call you a retard, but that's an insult to retards.
22. I wish we lived in Westeros, so I could send you to The Wall forever.

So there you go, hopefully now you'll be able to say one of these rather than think of something 20 minutes after the argument.

What are your favourite comebacks? Let me know in the comments :)

Don't forget to subscribe for new content

Have a great Valentine's Day!

Sammie

xoxo

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Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine's gifts

Hello, toasters!

It's officially 1 week to go until Valentine's Day!

Now is the time for frantic phone calls, desperately trying to get a table in that Italian place you didn't know was there until you Googled it this morning.

Nowadays it seems like we don't just have to shell out money for a card, posh dinner, and  itchy polyester underwear that came straight from a porno, but we also have to buy gifts for each other too.

This is an issue, as I literally have no money. 

And what little money I do have is instantly zapped by the University via payments for school trips, art supplies and disappointing Hoi Sin wraps.

Therefore, I need to think of some cool budget-friendly stuff that I can do.

Here are my Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine' gifts

1.  Cook a meal at home. And by 'cook', I do not mean Dominos or microwavable stuff. Keep it classy. However, if you go to Waitrose and find they have something you could believably pass off as your own, go for it... just get rid of the packaging first!

Oh, the struggles of being a modern woman.

2. Send him (or her, I don't judge) a romantic, heartfelt note.

For those of us that don't have time for that crap, I've made a template you may all use...

Dear (insert name here),

Although we have only been together for a week/ a few months/ too long why are you still here, I know my feelings for you are true. 

You make me feel like no-one else can; when I am with you I feel happy/ on top of the world/ constipated.

I remember our first date when you took me to (insert name of crappy 'restaurant' he took you to, which really should have been an early warning sign) and we talked about whatever sport he inevitably talked about all night long.

And when I introduced me to my friends, I knew you were the one because of the way you smiled/ looked at me/ embarrassed me so much I have had to find new friends.

I hope I get to spend my life/ your overdraft with you, thank you for everything/ nothing.

Lots of love/ utter contempt, 

(insert your name or sexist pet name they use for you)

xxx

3. Play a board game together and let them win. Nothing says love like letting a fool win at Monopoly even though their tactics are terrible, and they should know by now that you can never win by relying on a hotel on Old Kent Road.

4. Root through your cupboards and fridge to find something unopened. When they unwrap it and look at you questioningly, get all excited and squeal 'I know that Heinz Baked Beans are your favourite!'

Makes you look thoughtful and concerned that they're getting a nutritional diet.

Boom, you're a keeper.

5. Create a coupon book. Whilst this can genuinely be a really good gift, I'd definitely include things like 'I will give you the remote', and 'I will admit I'm wrong and let you win this argument'.

Just be sure to add short expiry dates in tiny, faint writing just to add a hint of evil.

6. Agree to watch their favourite film, and not comment too often about how Keanu Reeves is exactly the same character in every movie he's in. Sometimes I think he wasn't intentionally an actor, he just accidentally walked onto a set one day and he didn't have the heart to tell them he wasn't 'The Chosen One'.

7. Give them a back massage. And for those of you who don't know how, it's just like trying to rub an inevitable morning toothpaste mark out of your shirt in the morning. Just do that on their shoulder blades with slowly-increasing pressure until it gets so painful they ask you to stop. The plus side to this one is that you will never be asked to give another massage again- aww yiss!

8. Cut out hundreds of heart shapes from plain paper and scatter them around their room. On the hearts, write things that you love about them, or your favourite memories together. However, vent your anger and give them a piece of your mind on a few, just to shake things up a bit.

Note- this one works better for long-term relationships... it'll probably come across as a bit creepy if you've only known them a few weeks and have broken into their room just to litter it with cut out bits of paper.

9. Quote their favourite memes or lyrics throughout the day. Bonus points for inappropriate timings, especially if the lyrics you are quoting are by Sean Paul.

10. Try your absolute hardest not to be an asshole to them for a whole day.

So, there we go, my 10 gift ideas, that really prove how little is free in today's world. 

Disclaimer: Unless your partner is very understanding, the majority of these ideas will probably get you dumped. I will not accept liability for people with broken shoulders because your massage didn't work out.

What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Let me know in the comments :)

Sammie

xoxo

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10 New Year's Resolutions for all of us who think Wii fit counts as exercise

Here's my Happy New Year illustration... I did it when I got home
from the pub and was rather kettled... so I'm pleased that it came out okay!

Hello, toasters!
Be honest with me now, how many New Year's Resolutions have you made and actually kept for a whole year?
Anyone?
Nope, did think so.

The classic 'I will get fit' means buying an expensive gym membership, going once in January but find it too crowded because everyone else has had the same idea, consoling yourself with a bar of dairy milk and only going one other time in the year when you ran out of hot water for a shower.
So, I have decided to make my 10 New Year's Resolutions realistic, and also pretty do-able, giving me a much-needed sense of achievement as I struggle through my second year of uni, with only tears and pringles keeping me going.
Here we go:

1. I will not name all of my files 'jghppiovdsksofjsd'.
2. I will not spend three consecutive days in the same onesie.
3. I will not share my life story with every subway worker, taxi driver and hobo whilst drunk on my way home from a night out.
4. I will avoid using fandom-specific/meme references in front of my family- the time it takes to explain it to them is not worth it & makes me want to bludgeon myself to death with a blunt spoon.
5. I will come up with more imaginative passwords.
6. I will stop setting a 'lie-in' alarm. It makes me realise how snuggly I am and just gives me time to convince myself I don't have to do anything today.
7. I will not eat all of my advent calendar chocolates in one go. I will wait to at least day three before I give up. Yeah, willpower!
8. I will become less obsessed with Ru Paul's Drag Race... for those of you who haven't watched it, it's essentially America's Next Top Model for Drag Queens and it is fabulous!
9. I will not fall into a black hole of despair when I finish a series. If I spend any more time immersed in Tumblr, my brain will turn to mushy peas.
10. I will not Snapchat in inappropriate places. No-one likes a toilet selfie.

So, there we have it... my list that I will try to keep for a whole year!
What are your New Year's Resolutions? Let me know in the comments :)
Have a fantastic New Year everyone!
Sammie
xoxo


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10 Signs That You're a Music Snob

1. You shun anyone who even mentions Justin Bieber, but have secretly listened to all of his songs. You know, just to check how bad they are.... twice.

2. Even if you are late getting somewhere, you will stop mid-journey to find the perfect song on your iPod before even thinking about continuing, even if this makes you even later.

3. You'll defend anyone who you have ever liked, even if you haven't listened to them for years and have no idea about their new albums.

4. You have to watch Never Mind the Buzzcocks alone, for fear that a question will come up on that obscure band you pretend to like, you will not be able to answer it, and everyone will know the truth.

5. You instantly correct anyone who mentions 30 Seconds to Mars, curtly informing them that it is Jared Leto as in 'Leh-toe' not 'Lee-toe'. Bonus points for adding extra venom and a self-important attitude.

6. You wear your headphones slightly off one ear, to give out that cool 'yeah-i'm-a-DJ' vibe.
(Note- you look like a twat.)

7. You have a vinyl collection. Which, don't get me wrong, is pretty cool. But, you have a vinyl collection that you mention all the time, yet only use once or twice a year. Poser? Definitely.

8. As soon as a band 'makes it', you can't listen to them anymore. I mean, that's a given right? Because as soon as regular people that don't have your superior music taste start recognising their talents, they cant possibly be talented anymore... right?

9. You lecture anyone who downloads music, accusing them of 'killing the industry', yet you have no qualms with downloading a film.

10. If someone else does like a band you also like, you quickly try to one-up them by proving that you're the better fan.
(This can be very funny to watch, especially between two hipsters, as the conversation usually goes something like this:

Hipster 1: 'I really like this band, called Marshmallow on a Plane, but you probably haven't heard of them'

Hipster 2: 'No, I totally like them, I liked them before they were well-known.'

Hipster 1: 'Oh, well I totally have a special edition of their new album, only 5,000 were made'

Hipster 2: 'I saw them live and caught the drumsticks'
Hipster 1: 'I met them in London and we totally hung out for like 40 seconds'
*Hipster 2 realises he has been beaten, dons his ironic Raybans and walks off into the sunset, or tries to as much as his ill-fitting chinos will allow*

 

Have fun observing number 10- I recommend waiting around at a coffee shop or a gig for that conversation
Sammie
xoxo

Top 10 things to do in New York

Hello, toasters!
I've just come back from a week-long break in New York with my Grandma, which was a huge life experience which I will never, ever forget.



Me and Mary at the top of the Empire State building

One thing that no one ever tells you is quite how big the big apple really is.
Everywhere you go, on every street corner, is something new and exciting that takes your breath away.
Except in Harlem.
In Harlem, every street corner holds a gang ready to take your money away.
(cue the torrent of abuse that will undoubtedly rain down on me for that statement)

Moving on...
Today I want to write about the Top 10 things to do in NYC
I mainly wanted to write this post because most of the articles I found online were either by companies trying to ultimately sell you their attraction, or just simple bullet point lists that didn't offer too much information.

So here is, in my opinion, the Top 10 things to do in New York City:

1. Walk around Central Park
Resting bang in the middle of Manhattan is Central Park. The really strange thing is how one minute you are standing beside skyscrapers in a bustling street, and the next you are in a tranquil, picture-perfect postcard. Personally, I usually avoid gardens and public parks, but I'd definitely recommend visiting this one- it's just so bizarrely peaceful. The most popular places there are in the southern half of the park (below the great reservoir) and I'd definitely advise you visit Belvedere Castle, the turtle pond, and the Mall- a walkway which you'll recognise from countless films. Unless you're a huge Beatles fan, I wouldn't go to the Strawberry Fields John Lennon memorial, because it really is just a simple mosaic on the floor, and the rest of the park has much more impressive sights.

2. Visit The MoMA
While I was in New York, I visited several galleries, including the Met and the Guggenheim. Whilst the Met was awesomely expansive (holding 2 million pieces) and the Guggenheim had some of the most astounding architecture (the building itself is a work of art and puts every piece it houses to shame), I found I enjoyed the MoMA best of all.
It was clearly being constantly updated to keep things fresh and interesting, and had 6 floors of galleries which covered everything from abstract installation work to Pop art.
One of the things I liked most was that I got to see some of the world's most famous paintings, including Monet's waterlilies, Salvador Dali's melting clock piece, Andy Warhol's Campbell's soup prints and Van Gogh's Starry Night. I always find seeing famous artwork in the flesh completely changes your preconception of it, so it really is worth a visit, especially for those with an existing interest in modern art.

3. John's Pizzeria
Found on 260 West 44th Street is America's largest (and possibly tastiest!) pizzeria. It's in what used to be a church, but has now been altered to fit 500 guests for dinner. You may have to wait about 20 minutes at the bar for a table, but its well worth it. While you wait, you can see the two old-fashioned brick ovens that cook the pizzas, and the chefs spinning the dough and adding the fresh ingredients to your liking. The pizzas taste indescribably good, and its pretty easy on the wallet too. Including tip, a large pizza and 3 or 4 drinks cost about $25-30.

4. Broadway Theatre
Whilst in NYC, you must do at least one Broadway show. It's popular for a reason, right? Right!
For many of the big shows you can pay up to $150 for a good seat, but there are half-price ticket booths and off-Broadway shows that cost less.
While we were there, we saw Pippin and Kinky Boots. Kinky Boots was really good, with witty music written by Cyndi Lauper, but Pippin was by far my favourite, and is now one of my favourite shows I have ever seen. As a costume design student, I've seen quite a lot of shows, so that's saying quite a bit!
Imagine the best acrobatics you've seen, and some of the best acting performances, and throw in some really catchy original songs and funny moments that has the audience in stitches for a good few minutes,  and you've got Pippin.
I was unsure before I saw it, as I hadn't heard too much about it, but now I just cant wait to see if they bring it to the UK.
My main piece of advice for deciding what show to see, is to not see something that's available in your own country. Why see America's version of Mamma Mia! when its available in London?

5. Going up Skyscrapers
I was lucky enough to go up to the top observation decks of two different buildings, as we had the New York Pass. I'd definitely recommend it, because it grants you free admission to many landmarks, galleries and boat tours. In fact, a lot of what we did in New York was due to the New York Pass.
We decided to go the Empire State building on our 2nd day, and we went quite early to avoid large amounts of people. There's a saying at the Empire State building- 'go early, go late, or be prepared to wait'- and it's definitely worth getting up a little earlier, because as well as missing queues, it means that less people are up on the observation deck, crowding your view.
We also went to the Top of the Rock (the Rockerfeller Centre) at night, to see the city in a completely different light, literally.
The last elevator up was at 11pm, and even the lift up was amazing as the elevator had a glass roof, so you could see the floors you were hurtling past.
I'd say it was really good going at two completely different times of day, as NYC seems to change completely between night and day.

6. Discovery Times Square

This is something a little different from the others- its an exhibition space which features many different types of shows. We had a choice between Body Worlds- an exhibition showcasing donated bodies that had been preserved via plastination, or The Art of the Brick. We chose the latter, as we had just eaten and didn't particularly feel like staring at fleshless bodies.
The Art of the Brick was an interesting and innovative exhibition featuring the works of Nathan Sawaya. Absolutely everything was made from Lego bricks, and it was fascinating to see how a simple child's toy could become such a complex work of art.

7. Sightseeing Cruise
We chose the NY Water Taxi as we could hop-on and hop-off all day, but there are loads to choose from. Most of the tours are about 90 minutes long and have a tour guide to tell you all about the city and it's surrounding Boroughs. It's fantastic to see Manhattan from the water, as you get to view many uninterrupted angles of the epic skyline. Most cruises also sail past the Statue of Liberty, and gives you the perfect photo opportunity. Did you know that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, and arrived in thousands of pieces? This was incredibly problematic, as the U.S. didn't have enough money to put it together, and almost had to send it back. However, fundraising took off due to a local newspaper printing the names of every donor on their front page, and it raised $102,000 so the project could go forward.

8. The 9/11 Reflecting Pools Memorial
It really goes without saying that this memorial is something you cannot miss. What struck me was the sheer vastness of the waterfalls, and it really showed you how big the towers must have been. Even just walking around each of the pools took a good 5 minutes.
Another thing you notice straight away is the care and dedication that has been put into making the memorial utterly beautiful and thoughtful,  saving it from being just another tacky tourist destination.

9. Dylan's Candy Bar
A complete haven for everyone with a sweet tooth, Dylan's candy bar offers three floors of mouth-watering goodies. From freshly made fudge, to bacon flavoured chocolate, to giant gummy bears, this shop really is the motherlode of candy stores. Upstairs is an ice cream bar, but most interestingly, an actual bar, serving alcoholic drinks with a sugary twist. I was gutted that I couldn't try any of them (the drinking age in America is 21) but I have been told that they are amazing.
Another great thing about Dylan's, is that their prices are really quite reasonable. And in New York, everything seems to be really expensive (thanks very much, Mr. exchange rate). So it makes this shop a great place to pick up some quirky and delicious gifts to take home that wont break the bank!

10. Stand in Times Square for 15 minutes
They say that if you stand in Times Square for 15 minutes, you'll see someone you know. Or at least, a doppelganger of someone you know. But the reason that this is on my list is because, despite all of the art galleries and amazing restaurants, what makes New York so special is the street life. Everyone is so friendly, and interesting, and bizarre, and the more you stop and just look around, the more you understand why so many songs have been written about the city. In Times Square, the hundreds of screens are completely mesmerising, set against the dizzying heights of the buildings behind them.
So my final thing I advise you to do in New York, is to open your eyes.
Take a look around, explore!
It's a beautifully busy melting pot of cultures and colours, and it needs time to be appreciated.


So there it is, my list of the Top 10 things to do in New York!
I hope you've found it useful and interesting, and if you have anything to add, please let me know!
See you soon,
Sammie
xoxo

Why I hate Student Finance England & what I would do to them if I had the chance...

So I am an art student, entering into my second year at University.
Or, at least, I hope I will be.
Because, although I have achieved very respectable grades, I might not be let back in.
Why, you might ask?
Well lets turn to Student Finance England for that one.
It turns out these assholes haven't processed my application yet. Not any one of the three applications that I have sent them, over the course of several months. And I need to sort my tuition fee payments before I can re-enrol.

So as I was having a delightful discussion with one of their employees on the phone today (by 'delightful', I mean not at all useful and almost impossible to understand due to his thick Irish accent), you can imagine my delight at being told vague answers to quite straight forward applications.
Me: 'When will I know about the status of my application?'
SFE: 'Every application is different. It could be fourty milliseconds, it could be three lightyears from now'
Me: 'Have you even received my application? I sent the last one more than three weeks ago by recorded delivery'
SFE :'Everything we receive by post takes up to 10 days to be scanned into the system. I have no record of it being in the system'
Me: 'But I sent it more than twenty one days ago'
SFE: 'Oh look, a butterfly'
*Student Finance England then hangs up on me*
Absolutely. Freaking. Delightful.

What I don't understand is how clearly understaffed they are.
What, they can't hire a few more people to scan in postal orders, or look through forms to see that everything is in check?
Yes, I know that students are a large demographic, but seriously? It's not like you can pretend to be surprised by these numbers
You do the same thing year in year out.
Hasn't one person in the company got the common sense to think hmmm, it's only Frank and Bob down there, scanning in the entire student populations' application forms, maybe we should hire a couple more people to help.
10 days to literally just scan a few pages?! Is that a joke?

Take a minute to think about it... have you ever actually known anyone, anyone at all, that has had a good experience with this company?
.....
well?
I bet the answer is no.
Student Finance England: Forever screwing people over from possibly the most financially vulnerable demographic there is.

And another thing that makes this whole situation even more unbearable?
When I go on to their website, they proudly announce the launch of their new student finance magazine!
So instead of actually getting work done, you've been pissing around releasing a magazine that no-one will ever read unless they are stuck on a desert island, and it's the only piece of literature available. And maybe not even then.
Cheers for that, SFE.

So here is a list of what I would do to the Student Finance England company, had I the chance:

1. I would lock them in a room with Keith Lemon and Janet Street-Porter.
2. I would spend my entire maintenance loan- if it ever arrives- on cooking oil. I would boil said oil, and then dip each member of staff in. (I realise this one is a bit dark, but then again, I'm pretty angry and upset right now)
3. I would superglue headphones to their ears and put 'Friday' on repeat.
4. I would enter them into the Hunger Games
5. I would visit their offices, and glue everything to the ceiling- chairs, desks, papers and all (Just like the monkeys did in Roald Dahl's The Twits)
6. I would leave them on the edge of outer space.
7. I would make them sit through Gordon Brown reading the whole of the Old Testament, and every time they fell asleep, they'd lose a finger. 
8. I would drop them in North Korea with an important-looking briefcase containing documents written in code.
9. I would attach them to Jedward, one on each hip.
10. I would make them go back to University, and apply for a loan through their own system.

Okay, rant over.
And I've got to say, I feel a little better already.
Next time, I promise I'll be more upbeat!
I just seriously needed to get that off my chest
See you next time,
Sammie
xoxo

P.S. If you hate them as much as I do, take a look at the Board members page on their website. I think this is good for a couple of reasons...
1. It helps direct your anger.
2. I found slight relief in laughing at their awful photographs, mainly because two thirds of them look like the socially-awkward guests at a barbeque. The ones where the other guests spend well over an hour debating if they'll ever get laid, and if there's any truth in the claim they have an Oedipus complex.

Five top places to procrastinate on the Internet

Hello, toasters!
As some of you may know, I am the Queen of Procrastination.
(I have even been known to buy new underwear just to put off doing the laundry for an extra day or two- something I am definitely not proud of)
So today I have compiled a list of my favourite places to go on the Internet when I feel like putting off that assignment that really should be getting some attention.
As it happens, I do have a summer project that I need to start, but this list has provided me with a necessary distraction/ excuse/ I'm just lazy.
So without further ado, here are my top five places to procrastinate on the Internet.

1.Tickld.com

Forget memebase. Seriously, this site is the best.
The reason it works so well as a meme site is because there's a proper sense of community, making all the other sites seem dull and emotionless.
Another great thing is the fact that you don't even have to sign up to get to feel like a member of this bizarre, yet tightly knit online world.

Click here to go to tickld.com

2.Points in Case- the fine print of college life

 

This site has a whole range of guest bloggers who write columns. Originally they were all at college, having very real college experiences. Nowadays, there's more of a diversity of writers, mainly because some of the most loved writers have finished schooling, but have been begged to stay by the readers.

One thing is the same as ever though- how hilarious the content is. Mostly sarcastic, this site is best for those of you who enjoy observational comedy and blogging.

 

Click here for my favourite article on P.i.C. 'The Five Types of Morning Coffee Crazies'

 

 

3. Danisnotonfire's YouTube Channel

 

 

 

If, like me, you used to avidly watch Charlieissocoollike, and are now a teeny bit disappointed because he's become so serious, I suggest Danisnotonfire.

I'm not sure if its because of his epic tee-shirts, or the fact he seems to be a complete hermit, but he is a YouTube sensation for a reason.

I'd personally recommend the 'Men vs. Women', 'Ironic Appreciation', and 'List of reasons why I'm an awful human being' videos.

 

To go to Danisnotonfire's YouTube Channel, click here

 

 

4. Engrish.com

 

 

 

I'm not sure if this website counts as racism, but it's damned funny.

Essentially, people submit pictures of signs/ menus/ products or anything they find with a funny spelling mistake or altered meaning as they go about their travels in the world.

Not quite as addictive as sites like Tickld, but definitely good for spending 5 or 10 minutes on.

 

Click here to visit www.engrish.com

 

 

5. Play the Slender Man Game

 

 

So while this game may lack the incredible graphics of modern PS3 and Xbox games, it's still genuinely creepy.
Perhaps not when you're playing it, but especially at night when you're walking around a cold, darkened house.
The object of the game? Find all of the pages scattered around the woods. Simple.
The catch? This creepy motherfucker.
Look at him too long and he'll get you.
Don't run when he's close and he'll get you while your screen turns to static.
I recently played this at a house party one night, and maybe it was the alcohol, but I think I am mentally scarred for life.
(I am a chicken. But it's still creepy)

To download this game, google search 'download slender' and choose one that suits your operating system. But to all the cowards out there, don't say I didn't warn you!

So there we have it- some of my favourite ways to waste time on the internet instead of doing actual things.
If you can think of other interesting places in this digital world we call home, let me know in the comments!

My next post should be up in 2 or 3 days, but to get a direct notification, subscribe to Sammie on Toast using one of the options in the right-hand sidebar!

Happy Camping,
Sammie
xoxo

How to rid yourself of holiday 'friends'

Hello, toasters!

Most people take holiday pictures in front of big, flash cars, and I couldn't resist this jazzy number the city of Mahon had to offer
 

No one knows who decided it would be a good idea to socialise whilst abroad, but everyone knows it's a bad move.
I almost called this post 'How to rid yourself of unwanted holiday friends'.
I then realised that the term 'holiday friends' already implies they're annoying, not very funny and difficult to understand due to a thick Northern accent.
Just a general pain when you're trying to enjoy the sun, sea, and the handsome Spanish waiter who slips you your cheque oh-so-provocatively.
Of course, there are a few good things about befriending random families on holiday...
If you forgot to reserve a seat for the nights' entertainment, they're usually the type of people who have been camped out for 3 hours to get the very best table, and always seem to have room to spare.

(By the way, if you don't relate to having the issue of a bunch of people you don't know tagging around with you on holiday, you may be one of the people I'm talking about.)

I've just come back from Son Bou, Menorca.
We survived the first half of the holiday without a group following us about, making us feel like tour guides.
On the fourth day, we encountered Ebony in the  swimming pool.
On the plus side, she was a lovely girl who liked to laugh, and got on really well with my younger sister Gina.
In fact, it was perfect, as Ebony was constantly in the pool, so it prevented the constant flow of 'are you coming in yet?' nagging from Gina.
What was not so perfect was Ebony's family.
Physically, they were so huge and overpowering, that toddlers passing by wet themselves out of fear.
They swore like troopers, were overly touchy-feely, and complained about everything.
(They made my sarcasm look like nothing I tell you)
They also seemed to be constantly there, by the pool, in the lounge, even in the lift.
And wherever you were, they'd insist you'd come and sit, and have a long old conversation about how bad the state of the walkway was, or whatever latest thing they'd found to pick holes in.
So quickly popping up to the room to get your flip flops would take about half an hour as you'd be sure to bump into them at least twice.
When it came to their thick Liverpudlian accent, I did the very British thing by just nodding to everything I didn't catch, to prevent my side of the conversation being 50% 'I beg your pardon?'

So if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, here is a list of simple things that you can do to rid yourselves of these bizarre people...

1. Begin by stabbing a nearby squirrel with a toothpick.
2. Just kidding, but do try to do something subtly outlandish to make them rethink why they're allowing their family to be around you. By 'subtly outlandish', I do not mean making kebabs out of poor woodland creatures.
3. Run everywhere. Maybe if you can run away from them for long enough, they'll latch onto someone else.
4. Become a used car salesman and try to sell them PPI Insurance.
5. Put mildly controversial ideas into the children's heads. For example, if the father is an avid Manchester United fan, plant seeds in the kids heads that Chelsea is way cooler to support.
6. Insist they come along with you on a reeeeeally long hike.
7. Talk about nothing but how likeable the Go Compare singer is.
8. If all of the above fail, it's time to bring out the big guns.... open a tin of Pringles, share them out amongst your family but don't offer any to them. Watch them eye the tube pleadingly, and feel very guilty about it, but know that its all for the greater good.

 

I hope you can take these lessons and put them into practice next time a particularly lecherous family of four decide to be your new best friends.

Good luck!
Sammie
xoxo

Challenge no.30- Play Drunk Monopoly

As many of you may know, taking a fun-but-frustrating family classic and adding alcohol to it makes it infinitely better.
Take Christmas, for example. When I was a kid, I knew Christmas was the best day of the year, without fail. But as the years have ticked by, and I find myself having to do proper, adult things like buying presents for everyone (especially on a student budget... namely NOTHING) I can definitely see why alcohol is everywhere- in the chocolates, on puddings, eggnog etc.
BECAUSE WITHOUT IT WE'D GO INSANE!
Think about it- everything in the holiday period would make our heads explode in any other months...
Listening to the same, 30 year old Christmas songs on repeat since November?
Having people knock on your door expecting money for 4 lines of We Wish You A Merry Christmas?
Paying ten times as much for everything? And then not even knowing if the person will even like their gift!
PASS ME THE GODDAMN EGGNOG
You see?!
Now I am willing to bet that each and every one of you has had a bad experience with monopoly, because, let's face it, who hasn't?
Whether it was the start of a lifelong family feud, or hitting rock bottom by stealing money from the bank, it's ok. We've all been there.
So earlier this year, I took the initiative and created Drunk Monopoly
I'm probably not the first person to have ever done it, but it's still pretty awesome.
And the funny thing is, the first time I played drunk monopoly, I was almost bankrupt right away. However, as I got more tipsy, and my housemates stayed sober, I got better and better and better, and they even had to form an alliance to try to survive!!!
I wiped the floor with them, and as my win was so glorious, I half believed the alcohol had magic properties...
So here are the rules my friends, so that you too can be victorious!

1. Every time you pass Go, take a shot
2. If you land on Go, as well as taking £400, you need to take 2 shots
3. If you're in jail, make a dirty mans pint and finish it by the end of your sentence
4. Because no-one likes the asshole that lands on free parking, make them wear something ridiculous as a token of revenge, until the next person lands on free parking.
5. If you come second place in a beauty contest, drown your sorrows and just generally give up on life.
6. As I own the Lord of the Rings version of monopoly, whoever is last to say 'we're taking the hobbits to Isenguard' when you land on Isenguard takes a shot.

So those are my rules for drunk monopoly.... you could add your own to it of course! A good one I heard is to take a shot every time you build a hotel, because if you're bringing out the big guns, its only fair to even out the playing field a little.
This is a great game to play if you're getting ready to go out and have about 2 hours, or for a fun night in. Surprisingly, this game gets requested a lot in my student house after a night out at the pub, and games usually last until 1am, or whenever more than half of the participants are having difficulty keeping their eyes open.
Have fun with this!
Sammie
xoxo

Challenge no. 79- Make a list of things you're not very good at

Hey there, Internet!
Today has been the typical day of a student on their summer holiday- primarily fuelled by laziness and trips to the sweets cupboard.
And aside from the majestic llama pinata looking out for me (look out for its' special guest appearance in the video) I've basically been left alone today.
*sad times*
However, I have learnt a few interesting things today

• 1 in 50 Americans executed for murder have the middle name 'Wayne'... (sounds like that's another name for Kate Hopkins to add to her list. If you don't know who I'm talking about, take a minute to watch this video)
• Margaret Thatcher is partially responsible for the invention of Mr Whippy ice cream
• Cow's have different accents when they moo depending on where they come from
• My mum won't buy Ben & Jerry's ice cream when its £3 a tub, but if you say that it's on a 2-for-£6 offer she won't hesitate.... what?!

I have also completed another challenge from my list of 101 Ways to Procrastinate!
So without further ado, here is my vlog post where I talk about Things I Suck At... sorry it turns into a mini book review half way through, but I guess staying on topic is something I'm also bad at!

 

I hope you guys like it :)
Please feel free to leave a comment, I love hearing from you guys!
Sammie
xoxo

P.S.
I've been working on my Youtube channel- Banner design, Thumbnail design etc. Please subscribe, and if you have any feedback, that's awesome!
Byeee

Five annoying people on holiday & Challenge no.15- Tie Die EVERYTHING

Hi everyone :)
I hope you're enjoying summer so far and the unusually hot British weather! Oh, and Andy Murray winning Wimbledon!
Having just come back from a family holiday in Kos- which was beautiful and sunny and all things a holiday should be- I couldn't help but notice a few people that.... well.... these people grind my gears.
The people that I picked out weren't just the average obnoxious holiday makers, oh no.
These are the people that bring a boombox to the pool and play foreign, low-quality drum and bass while everyone else is trying to relax. These are the people that have dieted for months to skip along the beach in their skimpy bikini saying how fat they are. These are the people that shake their sandy towel out right next to you so that you get a face full of sand!
I don't know what there is to be done about these people (we all know who they are! And if you don't know who I'm talking about, I'm afraid its you) but I decided to record all of my thoughts in a vlog so that all of you sane people headed overseas this summer can identify and avoid these 'human beings'.
So without further ado, here is my list of just Five annoying people encountered on family holidays...

....deep breaths....
Okay, well now I've got all of those frustrations out, I have completed another challenge!
*congratulatory music*
Two of my friends came down to my student house in Bournemouth earlier this year, and we decided that we needed to it was our destiny to become hipsters. As you do.
So we donned our skinniest jeans and our most ironic snapbacks, and drove all the way to Matalan. Recording everything on instagram, obviously.
We bought the cheapest skirts we could, and the loudest dyes we could, and set to it...

 

And here are the results.... TA DAAAAA!

 



We then set off to the Harvester looking like a fabulous Gay Pride brigade, and had a beautiful, reasonably nutritious meal.
I still use my shirt to sleep in (its so comfy!) and tie-dyeing is probably the most fun, unique way of jazzing up old, bland clothing- if you haven't tried it already, I'd definitely recommend that you channel your inner hipster and give it a whirl.
Sammie
xoxo

I've finished my first year!

So it seems I've finished my first year of uni, and it's the summer holidays already... and it's only 4th June?!
I have no idea what I'm going to do for the almost four month break, but I am certain of a few things...

1. I will probably go to quite some length to try and cure my boredom, including the possibility of watching some television series' that raise questions about my cultural tastes.
2. I now have no excuse to comfort eat, like I did when it was getting close to the deadline and everyone sort of lets you off. This said, I did buy 2 pots of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream (they were on offer!) and had a Chinese last night. Something tells me I may be unhealthy....
3. I will leave my summer project to the last few days. Regardless of the fact that I am actually working on it as we speak, and am interested in it. Because, if we look at the way I've handled previous summer projects (or, in fact any project), I always leave everything until the last possible minute. So, I wish myself luck, but am not setting my expectations too high.

This will also give me a heck of a lot more time, which I can use to get through my list of 101 Ways to Procrastinate :)
 And if you'd like to see what I've been up to the past 2 months, here are some photos of my finished costume....

 

And here is a photo of me (and my friend Cara) wearing our costumes that were made for us! :)

 

 

This project was a lot of fun, and I can't wait to see what's in store for next year!

Watch this space, guys and gals

Sammie

xoxo

No.78- Make a list of awesomely random/ not at all useful things about yourself that you feel the world needs to know about

Some of you may know that i love making lists! So I thought I'd share a few completely nonsensical things I'm good at, as a little bit of a pick-me-up (I'm a little down as I'm getting stressed as i don't have long left for my project)

1. I can tear paper in a reasonably straight line without folding it.
2. I don't get hangovers! And my after-shot face is admirable, if I may say so myself.
3. I can sleep for hours and hours on end, and can sleep right on through the noise equivalent of a nuclear explosion. Handy when at home, because my sister gets angry in the mornings and slams the doors etc.
4. Reading! I can read about 6 different books all at once, and not get confused. What I'm reading at the mo: A Clash of Kings, A Series of Unfortunate events (again), Life of Pi, Hunger Games trilogy, and the QI book of facts. (Did you know that 'Fred' is Swedish for 'peace'?)
5. Smudging my nails literally 2 seconds after I paint them. Seriously, I ruin them at such a ninja speed, it has to be considered a skill.
6. Getting on with cats. Honestly, we just have a connection. If the adverts ring true, and cats develop thumbs and begin to take over the world, this could be a very useful thing...
7. I'm great at getting overly sentimental. Which isn't great in itself but I'm great at it nonetheless.
8. Getting myself & my family through the airport at super speed. I don't know why, but I always seem to know where to go? However I cannot look after my own passport as I'm petrified I'll lose it, then have my identity stolen, and then be sold to a pirate/ general bad person. Yeah.
9. I have an incredibly over-active imagination. This is probably why I'm scared of the dark because I know there are things lurking that will kill me. And sell me to Pirates.
10. I can sing badly enough to stop my mothers' terrible singing in the car. This, I consider to be a lifesaver, especially when anything with high notes comes on the radio.

So that, in essence, is what makes me stand out from the crowd. It's not a lot, but I'm working on it :)
Oh, I also bought a grumpy looking gorilla (I have named her Mila) and hand stitched a massive bow onto her head. I think it makes her looks ironic, and that's hipster, which is cool. She is a cool gorilla. No questions asked.

I'm going camping tomorrow! Hopefully 4 days isolated with my boyfriend and his charming family will go well, but I won't jinx it, in case something like in Just Married happens.
I also have to own up to a prank text I sent to his brother from his phone.... oh dear.
Oh well, if i survive, I shall post again next week. Have a great weekend everyone!

Sammie
xoxo

Challenge no.96- Broadcast Yourself on Youtube

Okay, so I was actually pretty nervous about this one! It was quite odd talking to a camera lens at first, but as soon as I got over that, I felt like I could just be me, which was weirdly liberating.

As a disclaimer, in case any of you think I'm some sort of raving alcoholic, I only mentioned the vodka because it was sat on the side & looking at me funny.

So without further ado, here is my first ever vlog, enjoy!

As you may have noticed, I'm doing the challenges in a non-chronological order, just as the opportunities present themselves. I thought I should do this one first because I plan to use video to record the outcomes of some of the other challenges, and the day was so beautiful, and I was in such a good mood- I couldn't resist!

Don't forget to subscribe to see how the rest of the challenges go! Just look in the column on the right hand side for different ways to do so :)

Oh, and please let me know what you thought, I love feedback

Sammie
xoxo

101 Ways to Procrastinate

Upon first glance, you would think that the list below is merely a list.
Oh no, how wrong you are.
You see, it is much, much more than a list. It's a challenge, and a battle plan.
And, if were being pedantic, yes, it is still technically just a list but let's move on...

I, Sammie Lovatt, propose to do all of these with photographic evidence within a year. I understand that I am not allowed to explain to confused members of the public what I am doing, no matter how awkward the situation, or I am to re-start the entrie list.

So, that's my plan of action :) i'll be posting my progress up on here..... should keep me from doing actual work for a little while...

So, without further ado, here is my definitive list of 100 Ways to Procrastinate!

1.  Turn on the internet. Obviously.
2.  Organise your lingerie draw.
3.  Run a bath, sit in the shower end, and run the shower so that it 'rains' on you.
4.  Run a bath and organise a rubber duck war.
5.  Run a bath and become a raisin.
6.  See how long you can watch Mudkip 10 hours for- my record is a whole hour which I completed with 2 of my housemates. I am weirdly proud of that feat.
7. Build a card house, but use custard cream biscuits instead- it can be done!
8. Make bath jelly (with extra sparkles!)
9. Watch a million episodes of Ace of Cakes, attempt to make an amazing cake and fail miserably.
10. Download The Croods game and get addictive- we've already lost Beth.
11. Spend an entire day as a white middle class male who thinks he's an african american rapper... you know the ones i mean.... they usually wear baggy white tee shirts and say 'blud' a lot.
12. Organise a scavenger hunt.
13. Print out pictures of Nicholas Cage and hide them around the house.
14. Make a doll of yourself and friends! Proceed to then either make them outfits and play nicely or stick pins in them. I'd say the former option is more thoughtful...
15. Tie dye tee-shirts! In fact, tie-dye EVERYTHING!
16. Familiarise yourself with the very heart of the internet- cute kitten videos.
17. Learn a Disney Song in French.
18. Apply makeup to transform yourself into the opposite gender.
19. Watch an entire series in a day.
20. Actually stop and chat to the guys that try to sign you up to Netflix at the shopping centre.
21. Draw a moustache on your finger, hold it up to your face and say everything in a French accent.
22. Make a fort in the living room... you can never get too old for this.
23. Pretend that the floor is lava, so you need to stay off the ground. (You could combine this one with #22)
24. Recreate famous paintings in photographs with yourself as the subject.
25. Draw faces on each fingertip and act out a puppet show.
26. Come up with a new Yo Momma joke.
27. Watch that film you've never really felt inspired to watch even though you know you'll like it.
28. Fill a vodka bottle with water and walk down the street drinking it.
29. If you're feeling hardcore, do the previous but walking around Mothercare.
30. Play Drunk Monopoly.
31. Find a way to make custard creams better, so that they don't fall apart so easily!
32. Take a friend (or, if you're lucky to have more than one friend, take more) and go get some silly photobooth pictures taken.
33. Feed a hobo.
34. Buy a Big Issue for once.
35. Play 'Bogies' in a public library.
36. Actually eat the side salad next to the burger!
37. Take a photo with a stranger with a beard.
38. Go gay clubbing and have a fabulous time, darling.
39. Buy googly eyes and stick them on household objects.
40. Name said household objects.
41. Do the milk thing in the supermarket and feel like a bad person.
42. Be a ninja and try not to be seen in a public place.
43. Walk around with your own 'theme song' blasting out.
44. Make a list of 101 ways to procrastinate that aren't really possible- ie. Find Atlantis.
45. Do someone else's work.
46. Subtly move/ alter someone's furniture over a period of a few weeks.
47. Snail races!!
48. Make friendship bracelets
49. Find a pet shop and spend a day making friends with one of the animals.
50. Make a scrapbook of memories.
51. Make one amazing meal for at least four people, completely from scratch.
52. Make a pie chart out of actual pie. Then eat it.
53. Be a pen pal to a lonely pensioner.
54. Narrate everything for a whole day.
55. Cast a friendship spell.
56. Play & watch Yu-Gi-Oh! and get obsessed.
57. Have a BBQ on the beach.
58. Stay awake for 24 hours & see how many things from this list you can achieve.
59. Keep a tamagotchi alive for more than 3 days.
60. Try a craaazy new hairstyle, or wear a wig (that shit cray)
61. Make a Sims family of evil people in the world (Hitler, Keith Lemon etc.) and kill them in creative ways.
62. Photoshop- swap your friends' faces in various photographs.
63. Subscribe to Sammie on Toast! (and i'll love you forever)
64. Compare chocolate bars. And I mean go the whole hog and make a spreadsheet and everything
65. Visit an aquarium
66. Have a picnic in a really unusual place.
67. Complete the Bloons Tower Defence game on difficult
68. Make a Sims family, have a baby and play long enough to watch it grow old and die with no breaks
69. Make smores
70. Hug random pieces of furniture in a public place and see how long it takes for anyone to notice.
71. Pick up random objects with your elbows
72. Draw a self portrait by putting the pen between your teeth, and put the result as your facebook profile picture without explaining.
73. Lick a wall and find a word to describe the taste.
74. Make a pet rock and take it everywhere with you for a week (including the bathroom, to bed etc.)
75. Find someone with a hoodie with their name on (probably a leavers' hoodie or something) and approach them and say 'Oh my gosh! [Insert name here] do you remember me? It feels like it was only yesterday when I last saw you!'.... and see what happens
76. Become an epic photobomber
77. Go stair-surfing!
78. Make a list of awesomely random/ not at all useful things about yourself that you feel the world needs to know about.
79. Make a list of things youre not very good at, just like Jenna Marbles did. Jenna Marbles- Things I Suck At
80. Insert the names of five different chart songs into a conversation without the other person realising
81. Write a note saying 'sorry about the damage to your car' and put it on a random car.
82. Glue a pound coin to the floor and watch people try to pick it up
83. Climb a tree
84. Make your own comic
85. Look up & learn five new words from the dictionary. Just to get you started, how about 'hamartithia', 'ginglyform' and 'nelipot'... They're all real words i promise!
86. Make a bucket list
87. Search your name on urbandictionary.com
88. Dye your hair an unusual colour
89. Dont let a baloon touch the floor!
90. Play chubby bunnies, film yourself doing so, and see if you have the guts to post the monstrousity online
91. Listen to a music genre that you wouldn't usually for a whole hour.
92. Go to Wikipedia, click on the 'random article link' that can be found on the left hand side of the page, and write a song about whatever page comes up. Even if the page doesnt exist.
93. Give yourself amazing scene kid hair
94. Watch Big Bang Theory and say (out loud!) 'that's what she said' after everything Sheldon says
95. Have a flour bomb fight
96. Broadcast yourself on Youtube
97. Translate webpages into various dialects using this site. The redneck option is best!
98. Make a list of things you like about someone. Then give it to that someone & make them very happy.
99. Write a letter using letters cut out of magazines (ransom note style.... by this im referring to how the letter looks, not its content) and send it to a friend.
100. Try to melt a cube of cheese in your mouth.
101. Write a list of 101 ways to Procrastinate!

So, if you're interested in watching someone actually do all of the above mentioned things, watch this space :)

Sammie
xoxo