22 Kick-Ass Comebacks

Hello, toasters!
Along with the happy people excited for Valentine's Day, there are the people that hate and repel everything to do with the holiday, much like most people's reaction to a Jehovah's Witnesses house call.
I'd be fine with this 'I hate everything romantic' view if they kept it up the whole time, but it mostly just seems to depend on their current relationship status.
(Also, I know that Valentine's is an occasion made to sell cards and chocolates at extortionate prices, but I guess I'm a sheep in that respect... baaaa)
So, as Valentine's Day seems to always spark some deep-rooted arguments concerning the rather shaky roots of modern society, I have come up with 22 Kick-Ass Comebacks, with the hope that if you find yourself in an argument, you can whip one of these out and sound completely bad ass.

1. Go play in traffic.
2. If you were a Pokemon, I wouldn't choose you. Ever.
3. If you were a search engine, you'd be Bing.com.
4. I would reply with a relevant comeback, but I'm afraid I zoned out from you talking a long time ago.
5. You're as dead to me as Fred Weasley (too soon?)
6. Keep rolling your eyes, you may find a brain back there. But I won't hold my breath.
7. Have a nice day... somewhere else.
8. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? It must have done, look at what it did to your face!
9. I'm already visualising ductape over your mouth.
10. If this were Sherlock, you'd be Anderson- when you talk out loud you lower the IQ of the whole street.
11. If I were a meme, I'd be Bad Luck Brian because you're in my life.
12. If you were Primrose Everdeen, not even Katniss would volunteer as tribute.
    
13. If we were a box of Celebrations, you'd be the Snickers.
14. Do you annoy people professionally, or is it just a hobby?
15. Whilst I'm offended by what you say, I'm just glad you're using words to make full sentences now.
16. I'm sorry, I can't meet up with you, I'm busy gouging my eyes out with a blunt spoon.
17. Even Lucien Freud doesn't want to paint you (art specific one there!)
18. You're a walking advert for abortions.
19. You should probably hide, the rubbish collectors will be here any minute.
20. Roses are red, violets are blue, you look like a skunk and smell like one too.
21. I would call you a retard, but that's an insult to retards.
22. I wish we lived in Westeros, so I could send you to The Wall forever.

So there you go, hopefully now you'll be able to say one of these rather than think of something 20 minutes after the argument.

What are your favourite comebacks? Let me know in the comments :)

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Have a great Valentine's Day!

Sammie

xoxo

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Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine's gifts

Hello, toasters!

It's officially 1 week to go until Valentine's Day!

Now is the time for frantic phone calls, desperately trying to get a table in that Italian place you didn't know was there until you Googled it this morning.

Nowadays it seems like we don't just have to shell out money for a card, posh dinner, and  itchy polyester underwear that came straight from a porno, but we also have to buy gifts for each other too.

This is an issue, as I literally have no money. 

And what little money I do have is instantly zapped by the University via payments for school trips, art supplies and disappointing Hoi Sin wraps.

Therefore, I need to think of some cool budget-friendly stuff that I can do.

Here are my Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine' gifts

1.  Cook a meal at home. And by 'cook', I do not mean Dominos or microwavable stuff. Keep it classy. However, if you go to Waitrose and find they have something you could believably pass off as your own, go for it... just get rid of the packaging first!

Oh, the struggles of being a modern woman.

2. Send him (or her, I don't judge) a romantic, heartfelt note.

For those of us that don't have time for that crap, I've made a template you may all use...

Dear (insert name here),

Although we have only been together for a week/ a few months/ too long why are you still here, I know my feelings for you are true. 

You make me feel like no-one else can; when I am with you I feel happy/ on top of the world/ constipated.

I remember our first date when you took me to (insert name of crappy 'restaurant' he took you to, which really should have been an early warning sign) and we talked about whatever sport he inevitably talked about all night long.

And when I introduced me to my friends, I knew you were the one because of the way you smiled/ looked at me/ embarrassed me so much I have had to find new friends.

I hope I get to spend my life/ your overdraft with you, thank you for everything/ nothing.

Lots of love/ utter contempt, 

(insert your name or sexist pet name they use for you)

xxx

3. Play a board game together and let them win. Nothing says love like letting a fool win at Monopoly even though their tactics are terrible, and they should know by now that you can never win by relying on a hotel on Old Kent Road.

4. Root through your cupboards and fridge to find something unopened. When they unwrap it and look at you questioningly, get all excited and squeal 'I know that Heinz Baked Beans are your favourite!'

Makes you look thoughtful and concerned that they're getting a nutritional diet.

Boom, you're a keeper.

5. Create a coupon book. Whilst this can genuinely be a really good gift, I'd definitely include things like 'I will give you the remote', and 'I will admit I'm wrong and let you win this argument'.

Just be sure to add short expiry dates in tiny, faint writing just to add a hint of evil.

6. Agree to watch their favourite film, and not comment too often about how Keanu Reeves is exactly the same character in every movie he's in. Sometimes I think he wasn't intentionally an actor, he just accidentally walked onto a set one day and he didn't have the heart to tell them he wasn't 'The Chosen One'.

7. Give them a back massage. And for those of you who don't know how, it's just like trying to rub an inevitable morning toothpaste mark out of your shirt in the morning. Just do that on their shoulder blades with slowly-increasing pressure until it gets so painful they ask you to stop. The plus side to this one is that you will never be asked to give another massage again- aww yiss!

8. Cut out hundreds of heart shapes from plain paper and scatter them around their room. On the hearts, write things that you love about them, or your favourite memories together. However, vent your anger and give them a piece of your mind on a few, just to shake things up a bit.

Note- this one works better for long-term relationships... it'll probably come across as a bit creepy if you've only known them a few weeks and have broken into their room just to litter it with cut out bits of paper.

9. Quote their favourite memes or lyrics throughout the day. Bonus points for inappropriate timings, especially if the lyrics you are quoting are by Sean Paul.

10. Try your absolute hardest not to be an asshole to them for a whole day.

So, there we go, my 10 gift ideas, that really prove how little is free in today's world. 

Disclaimer: Unless your partner is very understanding, the majority of these ideas will probably get you dumped. I will not accept liability for people with broken shoulders because your massage didn't work out.

What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Let me know in the comments :)

Sammie

xoxo

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How I got someone to put up with me (love me, even) for a year

Hello, toasters!
So, on the 18th, me and Dan will have been together for a year!

This is my first time drawing Dan, I have yet to work on it.... so don't judge me!

Aside from the fact that he's always hungry (seriously, how can guys eat so much?!), he's practically perfect.
Disclaimer: When I say that, I mean that he's 'practically perfect' for me. I'm aware that not everybody likes their men with long hair, band shirts and a willingness to watch children's cartoons with you at 5am. But that pretty much ticks all the boxes for me.
If you have read this blog before, or have had the unfortunate luck of meeting me in person, you'll know I'm not quite perfect.
I'm clumsy, too loud, childish, and I'm sometimes a little bit thick. (I bought fireworks from Lidl for fireworks night this year. Surprise, surprise, they didn't work, and nearly killed us all to boot. On the plus side though, it was fun)
I also have started to snort when I laugh.
Which is never attractive. Ever.
So, I hear you cry, how did you manage to get someone to put up with you for a whole year?
Well, I think I've distilled my main method into a few key points...

Find that one little thing that they hate and inflict it upon them a few times a week
You know, just so that they appreciate it when you're taking the time and effort not to be a prat.
For Dan, it's Dancing in the Moonlight by Toploader that he hates.
Luckily for him, I love this song, so it's really quite easy for me to hum it around the house, when we're out shopping, or even as he's drifting off to sleep.
Sometimes, when he's tossing and turning in his sleep, an evil part of my brain likes to think that it's that song that's disturbing him so much.

Try new experiences together
For example...

FYI, the 50 Shades of Grey wasn't a joint venture... what he does in his free time is up to him I guess
*cough* FREAK *cough*

Try and get into each others' interests
I actually wrote a post about our Compromises between a Theatre-Lover and Metalhead, and in about a month's time I'll be holding up my end of the deal and going to a metal gig.
If I die in a moshpit, tell my family I love them. And make sure Gina doesn't get all my stuff.
But seriously, dragging a reluctant Dan into the world of 16 & Pregnant and other crappy TV has done wonders for our relationship.
Aside from reminding us how lucky we are, it also acts as a great source of entertainment, as the teen mums invariably give their kids terrible names.
There have been several kids named Bentley now, and I swear one of them got the nickname 'Benterz'.
Stay classy, kids.

Get them to do stuff for you by classing it as 'teamwork'
Don't like the yellow Jelly Tots? Feed them to an unsuspecting sleeping boyfriend.
Need your washing up done? As long as you hug him and sing Toploader whilst he's doing it, it's all good.
I know it's exploitation, but it does mean that I have less things to stress about, meaning I have more time to be a super-awesome Girlfriend, making him sandwiches and shit.
Also, I do the drying up, so I guess that's something?!

So there you have it- an insider's guide to making a long-term relationship work.
To be honest, I'm pretty sure that most of this stuff only works because we're nutters, but hey ho!
What would you recommend for keeping the love alive?
Let me know in the comments :)
See you soon
Sammie
xoxo

P.S.
I've recently realised that if this page doesn't load properly, all the text becomes Comic Sans.
I dont know whether to laugh or cry...

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How to get over a Break-up in 5 steps

Hello, toasters!
Break-ups are hard, we all know that.
The feeling of losing 'the one', who will undoubtedly become 'the one.... who I text on drunk nights out at 3am'
Trust me, it gets better.
But, one thing that everyone seems to overlook is the fact that you can use a post-relationship funk to pretty much eat/ do/ wear whatever the hell you want and no-one will judge you!
So, I challenge you to do these 5 things and to not feel at least a little bit better about being single afterwards....

1. Don't bother to shave your legs. I mean, seriously, just wear jeans or tights the whole time. Shaving is annoying and quite frankly- dangerous (who's idea was it to rub a razor along your flesh in a slippery enclosed area?!) so just leave it! Enjoy growing an extra layer of warmth for the winter. Tip: This works especially well in student houses, where there's no heating.
2. Have whatever food you want whenever you want. Oh, you love garlic bread but were too afraid to have garlic breath? Well, its not like anyone is going to be getting that close to your mouth right now- and if someone randomly is, consider a restraining order- so run to Tesco, buy 2 sticks of garlic bread for something gloriously cheap like 60p, stick Chocolat on the telly and pretend you're French.
3. You can check David Tennant/Johnny Depp/ Tom Hiddleston out as much as you want and not have to hide it. Gone are the days when you have to come up with something reassuring like "It's okay, I prefer you to him any day. I mean, he's far too..... (desperately searches for a minor flaw in the Hollywood God you are currently admiring) I mean, look at those hands, they're so wrinkly!" and then you just hope your partner buys it. Nope, I recommend fully throwing yourself into a fandom on Tumblr and getting so involved in the 'feels' happening there, that your own life has no real relevance anymore.
4. Buy that quirky necklace you've always wanted that they called 'a bit garish'. Buy it and wear it proud, and if you see them out and about, flaunt your gorgeous new accessory as a big old two-fingers to the douchebag. Note: They probably won't notice but you'll feel epic and defiant, like the people on the Money Supermarket adverts.
5. If you can't stop thinking about them, unearth a really awful photo of them. You know, one of the ones where you'd hoped for a cute couple picture but for some reason they look like a Diglett Pokémon. Or a squid. Or they look like a paedophile. You know the ones I mean. Find that photo which you previously tried to skip over as much as possible, and set it as your background. Hell, print it on a cushion, so it's the first horrifying thing you see when you wake up. I know it sounds shallow, but constantly exposing yourself to a photo of them you really can't bring yourself to like can help you get fed up of them. You may want to get rid of any and all cushions/ merchandise with the awful picture on before another suitor arrives. You know, just looks a bit shrine-y. Because nothing say's 'I'm a keeper!' like a shrine to your ex.

Hope these work for you!
Sammie
xoxo