Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine's gifts

Hello, toasters!

It's officially 1 week to go until Valentine's Day!

Now is the time for frantic phone calls, desperately trying to get a table in that Italian place you didn't know was there until you Googled it this morning.

Nowadays it seems like we don't just have to shell out money for a card, posh dinner, and  itchy polyester underwear that came straight from a porno, but we also have to buy gifts for each other too.

This is an issue, as I literally have no money. 

And what little money I do have is instantly zapped by the University via payments for school trips, art supplies and disappointing Hoi Sin wraps.

Therefore, I need to think of some cool budget-friendly stuff that I can do.

Here are my Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine' gifts

1.  Cook a meal at home. And by 'cook', I do not mean Dominos or microwavable stuff. Keep it classy. However, if you go to Waitrose and find they have something you could believably pass off as your own, go for it... just get rid of the packaging first!

Oh, the struggles of being a modern woman.

2. Send him (or her, I don't judge) a romantic, heartfelt note.

For those of us that don't have time for that crap, I've made a template you may all use...

Dear (insert name here),

Although we have only been together for a week/ a few months/ too long why are you still here, I know my feelings for you are true. 

You make me feel like no-one else can; when I am with you I feel happy/ on top of the world/ constipated.

I remember our first date when you took me to (insert name of crappy 'restaurant' he took you to, which really should have been an early warning sign) and we talked about whatever sport he inevitably talked about all night long.

And when I introduced me to my friends, I knew you were the one because of the way you smiled/ looked at me/ embarrassed me so much I have had to find new friends.

I hope I get to spend my life/ your overdraft with you, thank you for everything/ nothing.

Lots of love/ utter contempt, 

(insert your name or sexist pet name they use for you)

xxx

3. Play a board game together and let them win. Nothing says love like letting a fool win at Monopoly even though their tactics are terrible, and they should know by now that you can never win by relying on a hotel on Old Kent Road.

4. Root through your cupboards and fridge to find something unopened. When they unwrap it and look at you questioningly, get all excited and squeal 'I know that Heinz Baked Beans are your favourite!'

Makes you look thoughtful and concerned that they're getting a nutritional diet.

Boom, you're a keeper.

5. Create a coupon book. Whilst this can genuinely be a really good gift, I'd definitely include things like 'I will give you the remote', and 'I will admit I'm wrong and let you win this argument'.

Just be sure to add short expiry dates in tiny, faint writing just to add a hint of evil.

6. Agree to watch their favourite film, and not comment too often about how Keanu Reeves is exactly the same character in every movie he's in. Sometimes I think he wasn't intentionally an actor, he just accidentally walked onto a set one day and he didn't have the heart to tell them he wasn't 'The Chosen One'.

7. Give them a back massage. And for those of you who don't know how, it's just like trying to rub an inevitable morning toothpaste mark out of your shirt in the morning. Just do that on their shoulder blades with slowly-increasing pressure until it gets so painful they ask you to stop. The plus side to this one is that you will never be asked to give another massage again- aww yiss!

8. Cut out hundreds of heart shapes from plain paper and scatter them around their room. On the hearts, write things that you love about them, or your favourite memories together. However, vent your anger and give them a piece of your mind on a few, just to shake things up a bit.

Note- this one works better for long-term relationships... it'll probably come across as a bit creepy if you've only known them a few weeks and have broken into their room just to litter it with cut out bits of paper.

9. Quote their favourite memes or lyrics throughout the day. Bonus points for inappropriate timings, especially if the lyrics you are quoting are by Sean Paul.

10. Try your absolute hardest not to be an asshole to them for a whole day.

So, there we go, my 10 gift ideas, that really prove how little is free in today's world. 

Disclaimer: Unless your partner is very understanding, the majority of these ideas will probably get you dumped. I will not accept liability for people with broken shoulders because your massage didn't work out.

What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Let me know in the comments :)

Sammie

xoxo

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London Calling

Hello toasters!
This morning I'm heading into to London for a uni trip- where else would we be able to listen to Opera and spend hundreds of pounds on fabric in the same day?!

It's too late to be drawing a new illustration for this post, so I thought
I'd use this 'illustration selfie' I did a few weeks ago :)

Having to get up at 7am tomorrow will be difficult, made even harder by the fact that I have to leave my bonsai trees behind for a whole week.
Seriously, I never thought I could ever be so connected to a plant... maybe it's just a coping mechanism when I get depressed about:

a. My student loan          

b. My 'future'                 

c. Miley Cyrus' existence   

or 

d. All of the above.         

We're visiting Harry Potter world tomorrow, which I am definitely far too excited about.
I had intended to sew myself a Ravenclaw robe to wear- you know, to actually get my £9,000 tuition fee's worth- but it ended up in the bottom of my wardrobe, where all my other half-finished projects go to die.
I need to try and find the self-restraint to not buy a wand, or else you may find me sobbing in a gutter, waving it and whispering 'accio, money'.
(Muggles, beware of HP terminology)

Looking at my overflowing suitcase, I fear I may have done my usual trick- packing everything but the things I actually need.
One year I went to Spain, forgot my swimwear and had to spend my time in ill-fitting, hastily-purchased bikinis that made a synthetic fart sound every time I moved.
(Sorry, that's probably an overshare, but it's the best example I've got)
The worst thing is, I usually remember what I've forgotten just as I reach my destination, so I'll keep you posted as to what vital thing I've left behind this time.
Spoiler alert: It's usually socks.

I hope you all have a fantastic Monday morning, and get to have the lie in that I wont be able to have.
I'm still debating whether or not to bring my laptop along, so if you don't hear from me for a week, you'll know why.
Watch this space
Sammie
xoxo


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How I got someone to put up with me (love me, even) for a year

Hello, toasters!
So, on the 18th, me and Dan will have been together for a year!

This is my first time drawing Dan, I have yet to work on it.... so don't judge me!

Aside from the fact that he's always hungry (seriously, how can guys eat so much?!), he's practically perfect.
Disclaimer: When I say that, I mean that he's 'practically perfect' for me. I'm aware that not everybody likes their men with long hair, band shirts and a willingness to watch children's cartoons with you at 5am. But that pretty much ticks all the boxes for me.
If you have read this blog before, or have had the unfortunate luck of meeting me in person, you'll know I'm not quite perfect.
I'm clumsy, too loud, childish, and I'm sometimes a little bit thick. (I bought fireworks from Lidl for fireworks night this year. Surprise, surprise, they didn't work, and nearly killed us all to boot. On the plus side though, it was fun)
I also have started to snort when I laugh.
Which is never attractive. Ever.
So, I hear you cry, how did you manage to get someone to put up with you for a whole year?
Well, I think I've distilled my main method into a few key points...

Find that one little thing that they hate and inflict it upon them a few times a week
You know, just so that they appreciate it when you're taking the time and effort not to be a prat.
For Dan, it's Dancing in the Moonlight by Toploader that he hates.
Luckily for him, I love this song, so it's really quite easy for me to hum it around the house, when we're out shopping, or even as he's drifting off to sleep.
Sometimes, when he's tossing and turning in his sleep, an evil part of my brain likes to think that it's that song that's disturbing him so much.

Try new experiences together
For example...

FYI, the 50 Shades of Grey wasn't a joint venture... what he does in his free time is up to him I guess
*cough* FREAK *cough*

Try and get into each others' interests
I actually wrote a post about our Compromises between a Theatre-Lover and Metalhead, and in about a month's time I'll be holding up my end of the deal and going to a metal gig.
If I die in a moshpit, tell my family I love them. And make sure Gina doesn't get all my stuff.
But seriously, dragging a reluctant Dan into the world of 16 & Pregnant and other crappy TV has done wonders for our relationship.
Aside from reminding us how lucky we are, it also acts as a great source of entertainment, as the teen mums invariably give their kids terrible names.
There have been several kids named Bentley now, and I swear one of them got the nickname 'Benterz'.
Stay classy, kids.

Get them to do stuff for you by classing it as 'teamwork'
Don't like the yellow Jelly Tots? Feed them to an unsuspecting sleeping boyfriend.
Need your washing up done? As long as you hug him and sing Toploader whilst he's doing it, it's all good.
I know it's exploitation, but it does mean that I have less things to stress about, meaning I have more time to be a super-awesome Girlfriend, making him sandwiches and shit.
Also, I do the drying up, so I guess that's something?!

So there you have it- an insider's guide to making a long-term relationship work.
To be honest, I'm pretty sure that most of this stuff only works because we're nutters, but hey ho!
What would you recommend for keeping the love alive?
Let me know in the comments :)
See you soon
Sammie
xoxo

P.S.
I've recently realised that if this page doesn't load properly, all the text becomes Comic Sans.
I dont know whether to laugh or cry...

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Here's my Happy New Year illustration... I did it when I got home
from the pub and was rather kettled... so I'm pleased that it came out okay!

Hello, toasters!
Be honest with me now, how many New Year's Resolutions have you made and actually kept for a whole year?
Anyone?
Nope, did think so.

The classic 'I will get fit' means buying an expensive gym membership, going once in January but find it too crowded because everyone else has had the same idea, consoling yourself with a bar of dairy milk and only going one other time in the year when you ran out of hot water for a shower.
So, I have decided to make my 10 New Year's Resolutions realistic, and also pretty do-able, giving me a much-needed sense of achievement as I struggle through my second year of uni, with only tears and pringles keeping me going.
Here we go:

1. I will not name all of my files 'jghppiovdsksofjsd'.
2. I will not spend three consecutive days in the same onesie.
3. I will not share my life story with every subway worker, taxi driver and hobo whilst drunk on my way home from a night out.
4. I will avoid using fandom-specific/meme references in front of my family- the time it takes to explain it to them is not worth it & makes me want to bludgeon myself to death with a blunt spoon.
5. I will come up with more imaginative passwords.
6. I will stop setting a 'lie-in' alarm. It makes me realise how snuggly I am and just gives me time to convince myself I don't have to do anything today.
7. I will not eat all of my advent calendar chocolates in one go. I will wait to at least day three before I give up. Yeah, willpower!
8. I will become less obsessed with Ru Paul's Drag Race... for those of you who haven't watched it, it's essentially America's Next Top Model for Drag Queens and it is fabulous!
9. I will not fall into a black hole of despair when I finish a series. If I spend any more time immersed in Tumblr, my brain will turn to mushy peas.
10. I will not Snapchat in inappropriate places. No-one likes a toilet selfie.

So, there we have it... my list that I will try to keep for a whole year!
What are your New Year's Resolutions? Let me know in the comments :)
Have a fantastic New Year everyone!
Sammie
xoxo


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My Christmassy Week in Pictures

Hello, toasters!
It's that time of year again to attack random people in H&M for a pair of discount shoes (that didn't sell for a reason) and to desperately cobble together a New Years Eve plan.
And, for those of us who have just returned from visiting Grandparents who always have the latest bug, it's time to recover from the inevitable illnesses gained from their tropically-hot homes.
It seems that this year, besides smellies and new pots for my bonsai trees, my Grandma has also given me a winter bug.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
So at the moment I have a wicked sore throat, which is possibly a blessing in disguise as I'm losing the weight gained from Christmas due to the fact that I can't actually swallow anything.
Silver linings, right?
As I'm feeling foggier than Lindsay Lohan's head after a rough night out, I thought that today I'd post a picture-heavy post, summing up my Christmassy week!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So this week, I went to a pet store and fell in love with many small fury animals, made a chocolate santa sleigh,  constructed a train track around the living room to deliver presents and received some really thoughtful gifts!

From Dan I got a beautiful Swarovski crystal necklace (the real thing!) so now I actually have something really valuable to worry about if I ever get mugged...

He also got me a plushie of my starter Pokémon Snivy, who actually talks to me! This little sweetie has transformed me back into a 5 year old, as she goes everywhere with me and I even made her up a place at the table for Christmas dinner.

God knows how society expects me to function as an adult.

I fear for you all.

Sammie

xoxo

 

 

Drunk thoughts...

Hello, toasters!

Hold on a second, I need to plug in my laptop as it's just told me I have '7 minutes of battery life left' AKA 'plug me in now bitch, you have 5 seconds'.

7 minutes my arse.

Drunk selfie is drunk. Go home, drunk selfie.

So tonight I went out with my friends from college, and it was great!

Although, I did end up drinking those awful VK drinks (the blue ones that almost exactly match the colour- and taste- of the stuff you put in the toilet) because they were on offer.

I feel like my mother, buying stuff I don't particularly want/ need just because it's on offer.

I don't know if it's technically a part of the human condition, but there's something about a 3-for-£5 offer that always gets me.

And now I have a blue tongue.

 

So, as I was sat in the pub, feeling fourteen again  with my luminous drinks, I got drunk. I don't know how, because no one ever gets drunk on alcopops- even though we all pretended when we sent that 'oops, that was meant for someone else' text to our crush even though we all know what you are up to, you are literally being as subtle as a gun.

But hopefully you cant tell how intoxicated I am from my grammar, but that's probably owing to the spell checker (God bless the spell checker!) more than anything else.

I've already used spell check more times than I would in an essay for just these few paragraphs.

Help.

 

Whilst I was in the car home, trying desperately to seem less drunk than I was, I couldn't help but question the meaning of life, which progressed naturally, to an internal debate about video games.

Why, in a world such as this, do we spend far more time playing QWOP than doing useful stuff like phoning grandparents and discovering where the fuck those scissors have disappeared to AGAIN?

It certainly cant be because it's easier. I find it far less painful to have a chat with a pensioner than to try and spasm my way to a non-negative score.

For those of you who haven't played QWOP, you need to re-evaluate your life.

Or Google it. Because, as we all know, Googling something is an alternative to actually doing something.

 

That's another thought... Google.

Now, we all love Google, and if it shut down we wouldn't know what to do. Especially with it's closest competitor being Bing.

(I love the fact that the most searched for thing on Bing is Google, and I wonder how many CEOs of Bing cry themselves to sleep at night over this fact)

But, as we all love Google, why does everyone seem to hate Google+ so much?

Yes, it was essentially forced on us through YouTube etc. but it's not so bad.

It's basically like Facebook, with more interesting groups stuff, less random people from Slovakia adding you and less annoying 'Your Mum' pages we haven't unliked yet from 4 years ago.

Oh, I hate those pages!

Remember when it was really cool to like all those pages with funny names?

Yeah, not so funny now.

I STILL get random posts from the occasional one in my newsfeed.

 

I should really get to bed now, and leave my liver to have a panic attack at my drinking three times more units than I should have.

I'm sorry, liver.

Wow, and now I'm talking to an internal organ.

New low-point reached? Check.

Until next time, toasters!

Sammie

xoxo

 

P.S. Only 6 more sleeps to go until Christmas!

 

How Every Student Does Their Assignment

Hello, toasters!
So today I handed in my project I've been working on since September, and I'm genuinely buzzing with excitement.
Its either that or the two tubes of Pringles and six-pack of Diet Coke I've ingested over the past 12 hours or so. Either or.
So this past week I've been super busy- sorry for the lack of posts, but you know... I'm paying £8,600 a year for tuition, I may as well roll out of bed in the morning and try.
And by roll, I literally mean roll.
Boy, are all those Pringles coming back to haunt me now.
Like every student, I sort of procrastinated for the best part of 2 months, doing the occasional bit of work when absolutely necessary but nothing too tedious.
Instead, I decided to focus on the more important things in life, like buying new throw pillows and mastering the ancient art of cheese on toast.
I know right, pretty deep stuff.
But this got me thinking about how students do their projects, and looking around the room at hand-in, I noticed a pattern of vacant stares and yesterday's unchanged clothes.
So, I decided that whilst it's fresh in my mind, I'd go through the thought process of every student the night before a big hand in.
Here goes...

8.00pm- So I've got a long night ahead of me, with a slimmer chance of getting a 1st than the chance that Kim Kardashian will sort her life out. Better get some snacks, you know, for motivation.... yeah, motivation, that's it.
8.30pm- I'm a Celebrity is on, I've got plenty of time left, and I can DEFINITELY do work in the advert breaks.
10.00pm- Okay, so admittedly I didn't actually do any work during I'm a Celeb, but I had my sketchbook open on my lap, so I guess that's a step in the right direction
10.30pm- Right, need to find the perfect sound track to help me power through, lets take a quick look through my iPod
 11.00pm- Well, it looks like I don't have anything in my music library that will do. Time to look on YouTube for some music.
11.30pm- Oh look, a funny cat video!
12.00am- Oh God, I only have 8 hours left. Time to really knuckle down
12.05am- Phew, I've written 5 whole sentences, that definitely deserves a 10 minute break.
12.15am- Well before I can do anything, I need the right equipment. And who can do any sort of work without a nice sharp pencil?
1.00am- Alright, so that's all the pencils in a 5-mile radius sharpened to an OCD-level point, and organised in nice straight rows.
1.30am- Man, I could use a snack right now....
*remembers supply of processed crap enough to put an entire army into a coma*
Okay, so I'll just have one teensy tiny snack
2.00am- How the hell am I supposed to work with this huge food baby?! I think a quick power nap is necessary, just to get rid of it and re-energise me for work. Half an hour should do it, no more though!
4.00am- Why did I think getting into a warm bed was a good idea!?!? Now I have to sit in my room which has is colder than Piers Morgan's heart, and no amount of onesies will stop me shivering.
4.30am- 2,000 words, here we come. Okay Wikipedia, don't fail me now!
5.00am- Damn I'm going to need some references... I'm sure that book on Lucian Freud is around here somewhere, and he's always relevant. Essay on why pop culture is becoming an overpowering influence in society? Why, because women secretly want penises of course!
6.00am- I wonder if McDonalds start serving breakfast yet?
6.15am- Come on now, focus! How can I make the 1,200 words I have seem like a lot more? Time for some double-spacing and large font methinks.
6.30am- OH CRAP I COMPLETELY FORGOT MY EVALUATION JKBFJKBUIOP
6.45am- Okay, so here's last term's evaluation.... I'm sure if I just change a few choice words here and there it'll be fine. No one even reads these things anyway, right?
7.00am- Time to attempt to make this jittering wreck of a person presentable... enough to walk to uni, grunt hellos and dump my suspiciously large-fonted work into a box.


I don't know about you, but that last bit never works for me. I always look like a car crash, and its always a 50/50 chance as to whether or not I'm still wearing a pajama top.
I even have a pair on 'mum' jeans that I wear to each hand in without fail, they're just so.... understanding.
So for those of you who still have your hand-ins to go, I wish you the best of luck.
As for me, I'll be hibernating and playing on the Sims 2 for a month.
Don't forget to subscribe to my content using http://sammieontoast.blogspot.co.uk/ using the options on the right hand side :)
Sammie
xoxo

How to get over a Break-up in 5 steps

Hello, toasters!
Break-ups are hard, we all know that.
The feeling of losing 'the one', who will undoubtedly become 'the one.... who I text on drunk nights out at 3am'
Trust me, it gets better.
But, one thing that everyone seems to overlook is the fact that you can use a post-relationship funk to pretty much eat/ do/ wear whatever the hell you want and no-one will judge you!
So, I challenge you to do these 5 things and to not feel at least a little bit better about being single afterwards....

1. Don't bother to shave your legs. I mean, seriously, just wear jeans or tights the whole time. Shaving is annoying and quite frankly- dangerous (who's idea was it to rub a razor along your flesh in a slippery enclosed area?!) so just leave it! Enjoy growing an extra layer of warmth for the winter. Tip: This works especially well in student houses, where there's no heating.
2. Have whatever food you want whenever you want. Oh, you love garlic bread but were too afraid to have garlic breath? Well, its not like anyone is going to be getting that close to your mouth right now- and if someone randomly is, consider a restraining order- so run to Tesco, buy 2 sticks of garlic bread for something gloriously cheap like 60p, stick Chocolat on the telly and pretend you're French.
3. You can check David Tennant/Johnny Depp/ Tom Hiddleston out as much as you want and not have to hide it. Gone are the days when you have to come up with something reassuring like "It's okay, I prefer you to him any day. I mean, he's far too..... (desperately searches for a minor flaw in the Hollywood God you are currently admiring) I mean, look at those hands, they're so wrinkly!" and then you just hope your partner buys it. Nope, I recommend fully throwing yourself into a fandom on Tumblr and getting so involved in the 'feels' happening there, that your own life has no real relevance anymore.
4. Buy that quirky necklace you've always wanted that they called 'a bit garish'. Buy it and wear it proud, and if you see them out and about, flaunt your gorgeous new accessory as a big old two-fingers to the douchebag. Note: They probably won't notice but you'll feel epic and defiant, like the people on the Money Supermarket adverts.
5. If you can't stop thinking about them, unearth a really awful photo of them. You know, one of the ones where you'd hoped for a cute couple picture but for some reason they look like a Diglett Pokémon. Or a squid. Or they look like a paedophile. You know the ones I mean. Find that photo which you previously tried to skip over as much as possible, and set it as your background. Hell, print it on a cushion, so it's the first horrifying thing you see when you wake up. I know it sounds shallow, but constantly exposing yourself to a photo of them you really can't bring yourself to like can help you get fed up of them. You may want to get rid of any and all cushions/ merchandise with the awful picture on before another suitor arrives. You know, just looks a bit shrine-y. Because nothing say's 'I'm a keeper!' like a shrine to your ex.

Hope these work for you!
Sammie
xoxo

10 Signs That You're a Music Snob

1. You shun anyone who even mentions Justin Bieber, but have secretly listened to all of his songs. You know, just to check how bad they are.... twice.

2. Even if you are late getting somewhere, you will stop mid-journey to find the perfect song on your iPod before even thinking about continuing, even if this makes you even later.

3. You'll defend anyone who you have ever liked, even if you haven't listened to them for years and have no idea about their new albums.

4. You have to watch Never Mind the Buzzcocks alone, for fear that a question will come up on that obscure band you pretend to like, you will not be able to answer it, and everyone will know the truth.

5. You instantly correct anyone who mentions 30 Seconds to Mars, curtly informing them that it is Jared Leto as in 'Leh-toe' not 'Lee-toe'. Bonus points for adding extra venom and a self-important attitude.

6. You wear your headphones slightly off one ear, to give out that cool 'yeah-i'm-a-DJ' vibe.
(Note- you look like a twat.)

7. You have a vinyl collection. Which, don't get me wrong, is pretty cool. But, you have a vinyl collection that you mention all the time, yet only use once or twice a year. Poser? Definitely.

8. As soon as a band 'makes it', you can't listen to them anymore. I mean, that's a given right? Because as soon as regular people that don't have your superior music taste start recognising their talents, they cant possibly be talented anymore... right?

9. You lecture anyone who downloads music, accusing them of 'killing the industry', yet you have no qualms with downloading a film.

10. If someone else does like a band you also like, you quickly try to one-up them by proving that you're the better fan.
(This can be very funny to watch, especially between two hipsters, as the conversation usually goes something like this:

Hipster 1: 'I really like this band, called Marshmallow on a Plane, but you probably haven't heard of them'

Hipster 2: 'No, I totally like them, I liked them before they were well-known.'

Hipster 1: 'Oh, well I totally have a special edition of their new album, only 5,000 were made'

Hipster 2: 'I saw them live and caught the drumsticks'
Hipster 1: 'I met them in London and we totally hung out for like 40 seconds'
*Hipster 2 realises he has been beaten, dons his ironic Raybans and walks off into the sunset, or tries to as much as his ill-fitting chinos will allow*

 

Have fun observing number 10- I recommend waiting around at a coffee shop or a gig for that conversation
Sammie
xoxo