The Last Supper (before I'm back to malnourishment at my student house)

Hello, toasters!

Today I am writing to you from my brand new laptop- a white HP Pavilion laptop that is cooler than the arctic itself. 

However, to get said laptop, I had to go to PC World. For four hours!

Before this, I had just made a 2 hour journey, which put me through the terrifying ordeal of having someone nearly sit next to me on public transport.

Oh, the horror!

So, aside from almost committing mass genocide in PC World, I think my sanity has just about clung on & is still with me. 

I think...

I'm intending to do an illustration for each post, so hopefully i'll improve bit by bit :)

Tomorrow morning, I will be travelling back down to Bournemouth, as I start Uni again on Monday.

I resent this fact for two main reasons: 

1.  I have to be up at 8am, which is a greatly unreasonable hour for a nocturnal person such as myself.
2.  Whilst I can cook, I can't afford the quality of food that my mum can here at home.

I will be going from grand roast dinners with all the trimmings to a sandwich from the Co-Op, which may or may not contain real chicken and arguably smells like a pensioner.

Mmmm, I love the smell of pensioner in the morning.

However, there are several things I am looking forward to...

1.  Seeing all my housemates and friends again, cracking inappropriate 'Your Mum' jokes 24/7 and generally being goofy.
2.  Being a 30 second walk away from Iceland, which has a good offer on for Pringles.
3.  Starting classes again

Whilst I love lying in all day and mooching about the house, I really can't wait to dig my teeth into another project. There's something about having a new project that revives my passion and creativity for the arts.

Also, procrastinating is always more fun when you actually have something to avoid.

So now I have the task of packing everything up, which has become a proper challenge as Mum has turned half of my room into a Chinese Laundry.
Last night I couldn't get to sleep for ages, so instead of counting sheep, I counted how many ugly shirts there were hanging up that would benefit from a bout of spontaneous combustion.
So, the next time I post I'll be back in Bournemouth!
Are you looking forward to going back? Let me know in the comments :)
Don't forget to subscribe you cheeky monkeys
(Sorry, I've been spending too much time watching children's TV... because I have younger siblings.... not because I actually enjoy it...don't judge me)
Sammie
xoxo


If you liked this, you may also like...
Things I Suck At
Challenge: Watch an entire series in a day
Public Relations (The Wheelchair Chronicles, part 2)

Westie Dog Speed Painting

Hello, toasters!
I hope you're all having a wonderfully festive Christmas Eve :)
For my Secret Santa present, I decided to paint my Auntie's dog, Jack, for her. She seemed to really love it, so that made me feel all lovely and Christmassy!
I thought I'd make a speed-painting video of it, and share it with you all to help you get through the drunk Uncles, indigestion and brussel sprout farts that you will have to face in the days to come.
Enjoy!

Let me know what you think, and maybe i'll make some more :)
Don't forget to like, comment & subscribe for more.
1 sleep to go until Christmas!
Sammie
xoxo

Adjusting to life as a student

Hello, toasters!

I'm about a month deep into my second year of uni.
Especially since moving back into my family home for 4 months over summer, I have realised some of the things that make student life... well, studenty.

One thing you never have to think about when merrily living at home is doing the shopping.
I never realised how expensive cheese was!
And yes, you can get the £1 'cheese' from Iceland, but its so rubbery that if you drop it, it will bounce back up and punch you in the face.

Never before have I been quite so precious about nectar points.
So what if I only spent £1.27?
I need those points!
It's seriously becoming a problem- like as if I'm addicted to drugs.
The other day I spent £2.50 in Sainsbury's, walked halfway home before I realised I hadn't collected my points, and went back to get them!
What is my life turning into?!?!
And then, when you get home, you have to try and fit everything into your one little freezer drawer.
I can definitely say, that I have become a master of this.
It's like an expert game of Tetris in my freezer drawer.
Life Skill = Gained. Thanks, University.

Whilst I love my house, you do have to get used to some really odd combinations of mis-matched furniture.
In my living room for example, we have two sofas- one a forest green and one a brilliant red that makes your eyes hurt if you look at it in daylight.
I know that's not really a huge sticking point, but it does make you appreciate the purposefully styled rooms at your family home when you go back.

One thing I have learnt about myself is that I'm actually a pretty good cook!
(See a recent post here that has one of my recipes)
This came as a huge shock to everyone, as before my Dad used to joke that I could burn water.
But no, I actually buy fresh ingredients, combine them in interesting ways and I have never, ever eaten a pot noodle.
The worst thing that happened to me kitchen-wise was my very first attempt to cook when I first moved in as a fresher.
I was cooking a pizza (very simple, I know) and so I just put it in the oven and waited.
There were only two problems to this plan...
1. Our oven has no temperature markings. You turn the dial, but the markings have long since rubbed off. So, to start with, it was like a fun game. I think I must have turned it around to what I believe is about 300 degrees that night.
2. After I put the pizza into what must have been a furnace, I became distracted. I can't remember what I was distracted by, but as I am an art student, it was probably something like a butterfly or my own boobs.
So when I eventually remembered I was cooking something (probably about 40 minutes later) it came out looking pretty burnt.
And by pretty burnt, I mean 100x more burnt than the stereotypical English guy who falls asleep on holiday in Spain in the sun all day and has to go around looking like a tomato for 3 months after.
So if having a pizza that was blacker than a politicians heart wasn't bad enough, I only went and dropped it on the floor!
I think I may have cried at this point. Or again, became distracted by my own boobs.
I just know that I definitely missed the 3-second-rule time limit.
But still, I was just so hungry, I picked it up and ate the bits that were still recognisable as a pizza.
This, dear toasters, is a fact I am not proud of, so please don't judge me!

Doing the washing is also something that gets me.
Because my laundry basket is only being filled by me, it takes a long time to get full.
And even when it is full, you do the same thing you do with the bins and squash it all down so it will last a little longer.
So I'd say that wash day only comes up every 2 weeks.
But when it does come up, I do 5 washes (1 white, 2 colours, 2 black washes) in a row and EVERYTHING is hung out to dry in my room.
So for about 2 or 3 days, I cant move in my own room, it becomes a rainforest of clothing.
Sometimes, its kinda cool.
I can make a slightly-damp blanket fort out of the set of sheets I've washed and hide away from the outside world and the concept of 'doing work'.

I will leave you on this note- Internet shopping is your best friend and your worst enemy rolled into one!
Yes, you can get some amazing deals that make your life (and bank balance) so much better.
But, be warned.
The other day, I went through my Ebay purchase history and realised quite how much stuff I had bought.
And by stuff, I mean things that I love, but if I'm being very honest with myself, it could be classed as 'crap I don't need'.
For example, today my Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends DVD came in the post!
Now don't get me wrong- I loved this show!
But if I'm honest, the £3 I paid for this could have been spent on something a little more nessecary. Like stationary. Or a subway.

Oooooh, I want a subway now!

So my question to you all is this: What have you found to be the hardest thing about adjusting to student life? Let me know in the comments!
And don't forget to subscribe if you like my content, so you'll be notified when I post more :)
Sammie
xoxo

Back to School... (and my new favourite easy-peasy recipe)

Hello, toasters!
This past week has been pretty intense, as I've moved back down to Bournemouth and had my first week of second year classes!
But although I'm a second year, I feel more lost than I ever did as a fresher because our classes have now moved to random rooms around the campus.
(I'm sure it's some kind of disorientation power play trick the teachers are using against us to stop us from getting too cocky)


These are the clothes I have bought with me
 for JUST the Winter Term...

One problem with moving back into a student house is the unpacking.
Now we all know how much I love to procrastinate, but I still have loads of  random stuff on the floor that needs to be tidied, and next to the ever-growing stack of pizza boxes, my room is starting to turn into a weird, studenty undergrowth.
Another problem with moving, is the fact I have to share a car with my mum for an extended amount of time.
Don't get me wrong- I love my mum to bits.
It's just always strange to be in what is essentially a travelling metal box for several hours together, especially when you need to choose music.
At home we're okay, because we both like the same local station, but when we get out of range, we're in trouble.
I prefer to put my iPod on, because then there's no adverts, but once we get through all of my Phil Collins stuff, that is when the true test begins.
The problem is not that my mum only likes pre-millennium music and thinks that new music isn't what it used to be.
Oh no, it's the opposite.
She seems to love Pink, Jessie J and other people like that.
The real issue is that I haven't been able to update my iPod in over 4 years.
So every time we go on an extended journey together, I spend the entire time trying to play songs that feel more up-to-date than they really are.
And I think she's starting to realise that songs like 'Meet Me Halfway' have long gone.

Another problem is deciding how to decorate the room!
Although I love my little house, the tidal wave of cream walls is really starting to get to me.
So this year, I thought I'd add a splash of colour with fabric hangings I've got from different countries... what do you guys think?
I'm planning on doing a whole Uni room decoration post soon, so keep a look out for it :)

The most stereotypical issue with student living (aside from arguments over the washing up) is cooking.
It really does get difficult to cook anything too complicated, as 1. you probably won't be able to afford too many ingredients and 2. you could be sharing the kitchen with up to 6 people at the same time!
But this week I got really lucky and had the kitchen to myself for a while, so I made homemade burgers with sweet potato wedges!
It tasted INSANELY GOOD!
And it was really easy to make...

1. Buy some fresh beef mince. (NOT the frozen pellets which look suspiciously like rabbit food)
2. Finely chop an onion and a clove of garlic, and mix with the mince. Don't worry if there's loads of onions left over, you can fry them alongside the burger itself and have with the burger.
3. Peel a sweet potato and chop it into 1cm thick circular pieces.
4. Place them onto a baking tray, put a little oil on them and sprinkle with salt and pepper.
5. Put into the oven at 200 C for 25 minutes or so.
6. When the potatoes have about 8 or 10 minutes left, start frying the burger in a frying pan over high heat with a tiny bit of oil.
7. Serve when everything looks about right (I'm not exactly a Michelin star cook, so I don't know a fancier way to put it)

Om nom nom.
And the best bit? Minimal washing up!

Talking about food, I'd better go and see what I can whip up tonight.
Although, if I'm honest, it looks like a night of re-heated pizza....

Sammie
xoxo

Top 10 things to do in New York

Hello, toasters!
I've just come back from a week-long break in New York with my Grandma, which was a huge life experience which I will never, ever forget.



Me and Mary at the top of the Empire State building

One thing that no one ever tells you is quite how big the big apple really is.
Everywhere you go, on every street corner, is something new and exciting that takes your breath away.
Except in Harlem.
In Harlem, every street corner holds a gang ready to take your money away.
(cue the torrent of abuse that will undoubtedly rain down on me for that statement)

Moving on...
Today I want to write about the Top 10 things to do in NYC
I mainly wanted to write this post because most of the articles I found online were either by companies trying to ultimately sell you their attraction, or just simple bullet point lists that didn't offer too much information.

So here is, in my opinion, the Top 10 things to do in New York City:

1. Walk around Central Park
Resting bang in the middle of Manhattan is Central Park. The really strange thing is how one minute you are standing beside skyscrapers in a bustling street, and the next you are in a tranquil, picture-perfect postcard. Personally, I usually avoid gardens and public parks, but I'd definitely recommend visiting this one- it's just so bizarrely peaceful. The most popular places there are in the southern half of the park (below the great reservoir) and I'd definitely advise you visit Belvedere Castle, the turtle pond, and the Mall- a walkway which you'll recognise from countless films. Unless you're a huge Beatles fan, I wouldn't go to the Strawberry Fields John Lennon memorial, because it really is just a simple mosaic on the floor, and the rest of the park has much more impressive sights.

2. Visit The MoMA
While I was in New York, I visited several galleries, including the Met and the Guggenheim. Whilst the Met was awesomely expansive (holding 2 million pieces) and the Guggenheim had some of the most astounding architecture (the building itself is a work of art and puts every piece it houses to shame), I found I enjoyed the MoMA best of all.
It was clearly being constantly updated to keep things fresh and interesting, and had 6 floors of galleries which covered everything from abstract installation work to Pop art.
One of the things I liked most was that I got to see some of the world's most famous paintings, including Monet's waterlilies, Salvador Dali's melting clock piece, Andy Warhol's Campbell's soup prints and Van Gogh's Starry Night. I always find seeing famous artwork in the flesh completely changes your preconception of it, so it really is worth a visit, especially for those with an existing interest in modern art.

3. John's Pizzeria
Found on 260 West 44th Street is America's largest (and possibly tastiest!) pizzeria. It's in what used to be a church, but has now been altered to fit 500 guests for dinner. You may have to wait about 20 minutes at the bar for a table, but its well worth it. While you wait, you can see the two old-fashioned brick ovens that cook the pizzas, and the chefs spinning the dough and adding the fresh ingredients to your liking. The pizzas taste indescribably good, and its pretty easy on the wallet too. Including tip, a large pizza and 3 or 4 drinks cost about $25-30.

4. Broadway Theatre
Whilst in NYC, you must do at least one Broadway show. It's popular for a reason, right? Right!
For many of the big shows you can pay up to $150 for a good seat, but there are half-price ticket booths and off-Broadway shows that cost less.
While we were there, we saw Pippin and Kinky Boots. Kinky Boots was really good, with witty music written by Cyndi Lauper, but Pippin was by far my favourite, and is now one of my favourite shows I have ever seen. As a costume design student, I've seen quite a lot of shows, so that's saying quite a bit!
Imagine the best acrobatics you've seen, and some of the best acting performances, and throw in some really catchy original songs and funny moments that has the audience in stitches for a good few minutes,  and you've got Pippin.
I was unsure before I saw it, as I hadn't heard too much about it, but now I just cant wait to see if they bring it to the UK.
My main piece of advice for deciding what show to see, is to not see something that's available in your own country. Why see America's version of Mamma Mia! when its available in London?

5. Going up Skyscrapers
I was lucky enough to go up to the top observation decks of two different buildings, as we had the New York Pass. I'd definitely recommend it, because it grants you free admission to many landmarks, galleries and boat tours. In fact, a lot of what we did in New York was due to the New York Pass.
We decided to go the Empire State building on our 2nd day, and we went quite early to avoid large amounts of people. There's a saying at the Empire State building- 'go early, go late, or be prepared to wait'- and it's definitely worth getting up a little earlier, because as well as missing queues, it means that less people are up on the observation deck, crowding your view.
We also went to the Top of the Rock (the Rockerfeller Centre) at night, to see the city in a completely different light, literally.
The last elevator up was at 11pm, and even the lift up was amazing as the elevator had a glass roof, so you could see the floors you were hurtling past.
I'd say it was really good going at two completely different times of day, as NYC seems to change completely between night and day.

6. Discovery Times Square

This is something a little different from the others- its an exhibition space which features many different types of shows. We had a choice between Body Worlds- an exhibition showcasing donated bodies that had been preserved via plastination, or The Art of the Brick. We chose the latter, as we had just eaten and didn't particularly feel like staring at fleshless bodies.
The Art of the Brick was an interesting and innovative exhibition featuring the works of Nathan Sawaya. Absolutely everything was made from Lego bricks, and it was fascinating to see how a simple child's toy could become such a complex work of art.

7. Sightseeing Cruise
We chose the NY Water Taxi as we could hop-on and hop-off all day, but there are loads to choose from. Most of the tours are about 90 minutes long and have a tour guide to tell you all about the city and it's surrounding Boroughs. It's fantastic to see Manhattan from the water, as you get to view many uninterrupted angles of the epic skyline. Most cruises also sail past the Statue of Liberty, and gives you the perfect photo opportunity. Did you know that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, and arrived in thousands of pieces? This was incredibly problematic, as the U.S. didn't have enough money to put it together, and almost had to send it back. However, fundraising took off due to a local newspaper printing the names of every donor on their front page, and it raised $102,000 so the project could go forward.

8. The 9/11 Reflecting Pools Memorial
It really goes without saying that this memorial is something you cannot miss. What struck me was the sheer vastness of the waterfalls, and it really showed you how big the towers must have been. Even just walking around each of the pools took a good 5 minutes.
Another thing you notice straight away is the care and dedication that has been put into making the memorial utterly beautiful and thoughtful,  saving it from being just another tacky tourist destination.

9. Dylan's Candy Bar
A complete haven for everyone with a sweet tooth, Dylan's candy bar offers three floors of mouth-watering goodies. From freshly made fudge, to bacon flavoured chocolate, to giant gummy bears, this shop really is the motherlode of candy stores. Upstairs is an ice cream bar, but most interestingly, an actual bar, serving alcoholic drinks with a sugary twist. I was gutted that I couldn't try any of them (the drinking age in America is 21) but I have been told that they are amazing.
Another great thing about Dylan's, is that their prices are really quite reasonable. And in New York, everything seems to be really expensive (thanks very much, Mr. exchange rate). So it makes this shop a great place to pick up some quirky and delicious gifts to take home that wont break the bank!

10. Stand in Times Square for 15 minutes
They say that if you stand in Times Square for 15 minutes, you'll see someone you know. Or at least, a doppelganger of someone you know. But the reason that this is on my list is because, despite all of the art galleries and amazing restaurants, what makes New York so special is the street life. Everyone is so friendly, and interesting, and bizarre, and the more you stop and just look around, the more you understand why so many songs have been written about the city. In Times Square, the hundreds of screens are completely mesmerising, set against the dizzying heights of the buildings behind them.
So my final thing I advise you to do in New York, is to open your eyes.
Take a look around, explore!
It's a beautifully busy melting pot of cultures and colours, and it needs time to be appreciated.


So there it is, my list of the Top 10 things to do in New York!
I hope you've found it useful and interesting, and if you have anything to add, please let me know!
See you soon,
Sammie
xoxo

10 things you should never say to a pregnant woman...

Hello, toasters!
It seems babies are everywhere lately, especially with the arrival of the Royal baby and the news that Simon Cowell is soon to be a father.

 

Aside from the classic asking 'when's it due?' to a non-pregnant woman, negotiating a conversation with an actually pregnant lady can be a nightmare.
I don't know whether this is just me, or if other people are as socially awkward as I am, but if you are the kind of person that accidentally (and mortifyingly) calls a teacher either 'mum' or 'dad', then listen up.
Here are 10 things that if said to a pregnant woman, will definitely result in you having to pack up and move to Timbuktu out of humiliation.

1. Have you watched Kill Bill recently?
2. What will you do if it's black? (Most effective-if that is the right word- on a white couple)
3. Are you sure there's not 2 or 3 in there? You are fat with a capital PH.
4. It's a shame Shane is the father, especially with those genetics.
5. Didn't Jessica Simpson lose 25lb of her pregnancy weight in just 5 weeks?
6. Apparently the hormones are meant to change you, but I've honestly always found you this disagreeable.
7. I had the best nights sleep last night.
8. I think I speak for everyone when I say that the ultrasound scan picture that's set as your profile picture is not your most flattering look.
9. Did you know that there are now over 2 million single parent families in Britain alone?
10. I think your pregnancy glow just makes you look reeeally sweaty.

I genuinely said number 10 to a family friend while she was expecting a few years ago, and I have been buying her the best Christmas presents ever since, out of guilt.

My next post will be up on Tuesday evening, so watch this space!
To make things simple, just subscribe by email or Google+ (if you're not shy enough to admit you actually have a Google+ account!) to get notifications when a new post is up.
You can do all this is the right-hand sidebar

Until next time!
Sammie
xoxo

How to rid yourself of holiday 'friends'

Hello, toasters!

Most people take holiday pictures in front of big, flash cars, and I couldn't resist this jazzy number the city of Mahon had to offer
 

No one knows who decided it would be a good idea to socialise whilst abroad, but everyone knows it's a bad move.
I almost called this post 'How to rid yourself of unwanted holiday friends'.
I then realised that the term 'holiday friends' already implies they're annoying, not very funny and difficult to understand due to a thick Northern accent.
Just a general pain when you're trying to enjoy the sun, sea, and the handsome Spanish waiter who slips you your cheque oh-so-provocatively.
Of course, there are a few good things about befriending random families on holiday...
If you forgot to reserve a seat for the nights' entertainment, they're usually the type of people who have been camped out for 3 hours to get the very best table, and always seem to have room to spare.

(By the way, if you don't relate to having the issue of a bunch of people you don't know tagging around with you on holiday, you may be one of the people I'm talking about.)

I've just come back from Son Bou, Menorca.
We survived the first half of the holiday without a group following us about, making us feel like tour guides.
On the fourth day, we encountered Ebony in the  swimming pool.
On the plus side, she was a lovely girl who liked to laugh, and got on really well with my younger sister Gina.
In fact, it was perfect, as Ebony was constantly in the pool, so it prevented the constant flow of 'are you coming in yet?' nagging from Gina.
What was not so perfect was Ebony's family.
Physically, they were so huge and overpowering, that toddlers passing by wet themselves out of fear.
They swore like troopers, were overly touchy-feely, and complained about everything.
(They made my sarcasm look like nothing I tell you)
They also seemed to be constantly there, by the pool, in the lounge, even in the lift.
And wherever you were, they'd insist you'd come and sit, and have a long old conversation about how bad the state of the walkway was, or whatever latest thing they'd found to pick holes in.
So quickly popping up to the room to get your flip flops would take about half an hour as you'd be sure to bump into them at least twice.
When it came to their thick Liverpudlian accent, I did the very British thing by just nodding to everything I didn't catch, to prevent my side of the conversation being 50% 'I beg your pardon?'

So if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, here is a list of simple things that you can do to rid yourselves of these bizarre people...

1. Begin by stabbing a nearby squirrel with a toothpick.
2. Just kidding, but do try to do something subtly outlandish to make them rethink why they're allowing their family to be around you. By 'subtly outlandish', I do not mean making kebabs out of poor woodland creatures.
3. Run everywhere. Maybe if you can run away from them for long enough, they'll latch onto someone else.
4. Become a used car salesman and try to sell them PPI Insurance.
5. Put mildly controversial ideas into the children's heads. For example, if the father is an avid Manchester United fan, plant seeds in the kids heads that Chelsea is way cooler to support.
6. Insist they come along with you on a reeeeeally long hike.
7. Talk about nothing but how likeable the Go Compare singer is.
8. If all of the above fail, it's time to bring out the big guns.... open a tin of Pringles, share them out amongst your family but don't offer any to them. Watch them eye the tube pleadingly, and feel very guilty about it, but know that its all for the greater good.

 

I hope you can take these lessons and put them into practice next time a particularly lecherous family of four decide to be your new best friends.

Good luck!
Sammie
xoxo

Homecoming

Hello, toasters!
Sorry for the relative silence on the blogging front for the past few weeks, but I've been on two family holidays (lucky me!)
We went to Centreparcs first, then Menorca second, which I have just arrived back from today.
They were both brilliant, and I now have a lovely tan!
I don't quite pass as looking more 'European' than 'British' yet, but I think if I keep it up, I could find myself slipping across the channel.
My next full post will be up tomorrow evening, but I just wanted to let you know where I've been! (Because of course, you've been wondering... why wouldn't you have? xD )
So, I'll see you all tomorrow!
Sammie
xoxo

Public Relations (The Wheelchair Chronicles, part 2)

Considering that I'm used to a large, busy group of friends and an even larger, louder family circle buzzing around me 24/7, you'd think that I'd find it easy to spend one day with my mums new Mother-in-Law.
Sure, I can exhaust my limited knowledge on gardening, the Antiques Roadshow and 'that lovely Alex Jones from The One Show' long enough to count as a conversation. Most seventy-somethings are satisfied with that, and feel they can then drink their tea and get back to the crossword.
Not Daphne.
This lady, although pleasant enough, seems to make my tried-and-trusted conversational topics fall into the dust. No longer can I talk about how the pansies are doing, as all I am met with is a cold, hard stare.
I really cant describe the feeling. Its not quite awkward, but definitely not the warm, friendly atmosphere needed with family relations.
I think the problem is, I want to talk to her. I want to go through my usual routine of BBC One shows and British flowers. I want to feel like I've made her feel welcome and that there's a nice atmosphere here.
But for some reason, I can't. And my mum is the same. She definitely tries (I suppose she has to), but I've noticed that the dog has been taken for much longer, more frequent walks when Daphne is here.
So two days ago, it was just me and Daphne in the house, for the whole day. I had a game plan and everything. I would walk up to her, and ask her about tennis. Because the day before I'm sure she had said something about Andy Murray, and I was so desperate, I was now convinced that tennis was the way to go.
To cut a long and rather painful story short, I walked up to her in mid-morning, managed nothing more than a squeak, then spent the rest of the day hiding.
Seriously, I had a three hour long bath because I was so embarrassed.
My skin still hasn't unwrinkled yet....

The Wheelchair Chronicles

The important thing to remember when visiting an old people's day centre is that they are all batshit crazy.
For a start, the office politics are ridiculously complicated. To the untrained eye, you'd think that they all hate each other fiercely.
Well why wouldn't you? After all, they spend half of the time arguing and the other half calling this person or that person a 'bigoted old cow' behind their back to anyone that will listen.
It seems that pensioners are only the gentle mannered, cupcake wielding cheek pinchers when alone, or in small groups.
Put them in a herd of 10 or more, and you have a disaster on your hands. Gone is the chitchat about the latest Radio 4 programme... be prepared for the accusatory remarks and snide comments flying about all over the place!
All of this on top of the never-ending questions about what you're up to at school this week (even if it is the middle of the summer holidays and you graduated years ago)
However brutal, these public showdowns are in fact the social bonding rituals of the O.A.P.
My advice is to not interfere if possible, and to steer conversation back to one of the following subjects- the 'good ol' days', the war or what's for lunch- when the atmosphere gets a little frosty.
Oh, and identifying an emergency escape excuse is vital.
So as I found myself being dragged along to my grandparent's day club (with perilously low phone battery remaining) I tried to mentally push out all preconceptions that old people are sweet and lovely creatures. Instead I focused on the fact that they are more like characters straight out of RED (think Bruce Willis)
The beginning of the day went okay, mainly as you'd expect. I got asked so many times what I was doing in arithmetic, and if I was an ice skater (for some reason) but aside from wanting to make a F.A.Q's list to hand around, I retained my sanity.
Lunch was alright too. Typically old-person-y (namely, everything was very soft and lukewarm) but was satisfying enough.
It was after lunch that I seriously questioned whether I had accidentally wandered into a mental institution.
I was just casually marking about 50 quiz papers (I landed this job because I was the only one young enough to read the 'tiny' size 12 font) when they started singing.
Seriously, singing. With songsheets and everything
And oh my word they were terrible. The old dear who was leading the wailing oldies even had dementia, so we got to hear what I believe was Auld Lang Syne three times. Hooray!
So when faced with a situation such as this, I did what anybody would do- I deployed my emergency escape excuse and ran for the hills.
Well, I say hills, I mean that I ran to the local post office under the pretence of needing to post a letter, but ended up spending a lengthy amount of time individually inspecting each of the shops wares.
I don't really have a deep underlying moral to this story, but I suppose the overall message is this:
Beware the old people
They are not what they seem

Good luck,
Sammie
xoxo