Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine's gifts

Hello, toasters!

It's officially 1 week to go until Valentine's Day!

Now is the time for frantic phone calls, desperately trying to get a table in that Italian place you didn't know was there until you Googled it this morning.

Nowadays it seems like we don't just have to shell out money for a card, posh dinner, and  itchy polyester underwear that came straight from a porno, but we also have to buy gifts for each other too.

This is an issue, as I literally have no money. 

And what little money I do have is instantly zapped by the University via payments for school trips, art supplies and disappointing Hoi Sin wraps.

Therefore, I need to think of some cool budget-friendly stuff that I can do.

Here are my Top 10 free and completely awesome Valentine' gifts

1.  Cook a meal at home. And by 'cook', I do not mean Dominos or microwavable stuff. Keep it classy. However, if you go to Waitrose and find they have something you could believably pass off as your own, go for it... just get rid of the packaging first!

Oh, the struggles of being a modern woman.

2. Send him (or her, I don't judge) a romantic, heartfelt note.

For those of us that don't have time for that crap, I've made a template you may all use...

Dear (insert name here),

Although we have only been together for a week/ a few months/ too long why are you still here, I know my feelings for you are true. 

You make me feel like no-one else can; when I am with you I feel happy/ on top of the world/ constipated.

I remember our first date when you took me to (insert name of crappy 'restaurant' he took you to, which really should have been an early warning sign) and we talked about whatever sport he inevitably talked about all night long.

And when I introduced me to my friends, I knew you were the one because of the way you smiled/ looked at me/ embarrassed me so much I have had to find new friends.

I hope I get to spend my life/ your overdraft with you, thank you for everything/ nothing.

Lots of love/ utter contempt, 

(insert your name or sexist pet name they use for you)

xxx

3. Play a board game together and let them win. Nothing says love like letting a fool win at Monopoly even though their tactics are terrible, and they should know by now that you can never win by relying on a hotel on Old Kent Road.

4. Root through your cupboards and fridge to find something unopened. When they unwrap it and look at you questioningly, get all excited and squeal 'I know that Heinz Baked Beans are your favourite!'

Makes you look thoughtful and concerned that they're getting a nutritional diet.

Boom, you're a keeper.

5. Create a coupon book. Whilst this can genuinely be a really good gift, I'd definitely include things like 'I will give you the remote', and 'I will admit I'm wrong and let you win this argument'.

Just be sure to add short expiry dates in tiny, faint writing just to add a hint of evil.

6. Agree to watch their favourite film, and not comment too often about how Keanu Reeves is exactly the same character in every movie he's in. Sometimes I think he wasn't intentionally an actor, he just accidentally walked onto a set one day and he didn't have the heart to tell them he wasn't 'The Chosen One'.

7. Give them a back massage. And for those of you who don't know how, it's just like trying to rub an inevitable morning toothpaste mark out of your shirt in the morning. Just do that on their shoulder blades with slowly-increasing pressure until it gets so painful they ask you to stop. The plus side to this one is that you will never be asked to give another massage again- aww yiss!

8. Cut out hundreds of heart shapes from plain paper and scatter them around their room. On the hearts, write things that you love about them, or your favourite memories together. However, vent your anger and give them a piece of your mind on a few, just to shake things up a bit.

Note- this one works better for long-term relationships... it'll probably come across as a bit creepy if you've only known them a few weeks and have broken into their room just to litter it with cut out bits of paper.

9. Quote their favourite memes or lyrics throughout the day. Bonus points for inappropriate timings, especially if the lyrics you are quoting are by Sean Paul.

10. Try your absolute hardest not to be an asshole to them for a whole day.

So, there we go, my 10 gift ideas, that really prove how little is free in today's world. 

Disclaimer: Unless your partner is very understanding, the majority of these ideas will probably get you dumped. I will not accept liability for people with broken shoulders because your massage didn't work out.

What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Let me know in the comments :)

Sammie

xoxo

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10 New Year's Resolutions for all of us who think Wii fit counts as exercise

Here's my Happy New Year illustration... I did it when I got home
from the pub and was rather kettled... so I'm pleased that it came out okay!

Hello, toasters!
Be honest with me now, how many New Year's Resolutions have you made and actually kept for a whole year?
Anyone?
Nope, did think so.

The classic 'I will get fit' means buying an expensive gym membership, going once in January but find it too crowded because everyone else has had the same idea, consoling yourself with a bar of dairy milk and only going one other time in the year when you ran out of hot water for a shower.
So, I have decided to make my 10 New Year's Resolutions realistic, and also pretty do-able, giving me a much-needed sense of achievement as I struggle through my second year of uni, with only tears and pringles keeping me going.
Here we go:

1. I will not name all of my files 'jghppiovdsksofjsd'.
2. I will not spend three consecutive days in the same onesie.
3. I will not share my life story with every subway worker, taxi driver and hobo whilst drunk on my way home from a night out.
4. I will avoid using fandom-specific/meme references in front of my family- the time it takes to explain it to them is not worth it & makes me want to bludgeon myself to death with a blunt spoon.
5. I will come up with more imaginative passwords.
6. I will stop setting a 'lie-in' alarm. It makes me realise how snuggly I am and just gives me time to convince myself I don't have to do anything today.
7. I will not eat all of my advent calendar chocolates in one go. I will wait to at least day three before I give up. Yeah, willpower!
8. I will become less obsessed with Ru Paul's Drag Race... for those of you who haven't watched it, it's essentially America's Next Top Model for Drag Queens and it is fabulous!
9. I will not fall into a black hole of despair when I finish a series. If I spend any more time immersed in Tumblr, my brain will turn to mushy peas.
10. I will not Snapchat in inappropriate places. No-one likes a toilet selfie.

So, there we have it... my list that I will try to keep for a whole year!
What are your New Year's Resolutions? Let me know in the comments :)
Have a fantastic New Year everyone!
Sammie
xoxo


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10 Signs That You're a Music Snob

1. You shun anyone who even mentions Justin Bieber, but have secretly listened to all of his songs. You know, just to check how bad they are.... twice.

2. Even if you are late getting somewhere, you will stop mid-journey to find the perfect song on your iPod before even thinking about continuing, even if this makes you even later.

3. You'll defend anyone who you have ever liked, even if you haven't listened to them for years and have no idea about their new albums.

4. You have to watch Never Mind the Buzzcocks alone, for fear that a question will come up on that obscure band you pretend to like, you will not be able to answer it, and everyone will know the truth.

5. You instantly correct anyone who mentions 30 Seconds to Mars, curtly informing them that it is Jared Leto as in 'Leh-toe' not 'Lee-toe'. Bonus points for adding extra venom and a self-important attitude.

6. You wear your headphones slightly off one ear, to give out that cool 'yeah-i'm-a-DJ' vibe.
(Note- you look like a twat.)

7. You have a vinyl collection. Which, don't get me wrong, is pretty cool. But, you have a vinyl collection that you mention all the time, yet only use once or twice a year. Poser? Definitely.

8. As soon as a band 'makes it', you can't listen to them anymore. I mean, that's a given right? Because as soon as regular people that don't have your superior music taste start recognising their talents, they cant possibly be talented anymore... right?

9. You lecture anyone who downloads music, accusing them of 'killing the industry', yet you have no qualms with downloading a film.

10. If someone else does like a band you also like, you quickly try to one-up them by proving that you're the better fan.
(This can be very funny to watch, especially between two hipsters, as the conversation usually goes something like this:

Hipster 1: 'I really like this band, called Marshmallow on a Plane, but you probably haven't heard of them'

Hipster 2: 'No, I totally like them, I liked them before they were well-known.'

Hipster 1: 'Oh, well I totally have a special edition of their new album, only 5,000 were made'

Hipster 2: 'I saw them live and caught the drumsticks'
Hipster 1: 'I met them in London and we totally hung out for like 40 seconds'
*Hipster 2 realises he has been beaten, dons his ironic Raybans and walks off into the sunset, or tries to as much as his ill-fitting chinos will allow*

 

Have fun observing number 10- I recommend waiting around at a coffee shop or a gig for that conversation
Sammie
xoxo

Top 10 things to do in New York

Hello, toasters!
I've just come back from a week-long break in New York with my Grandma, which was a huge life experience which I will never, ever forget.



Me and Mary at the top of the Empire State building

One thing that no one ever tells you is quite how big the big apple really is.
Everywhere you go, on every street corner, is something new and exciting that takes your breath away.
Except in Harlem.
In Harlem, every street corner holds a gang ready to take your money away.
(cue the torrent of abuse that will undoubtedly rain down on me for that statement)

Moving on...
Today I want to write about the Top 10 things to do in NYC
I mainly wanted to write this post because most of the articles I found online were either by companies trying to ultimately sell you their attraction, or just simple bullet point lists that didn't offer too much information.

So here is, in my opinion, the Top 10 things to do in New York City:

1. Walk around Central Park
Resting bang in the middle of Manhattan is Central Park. The really strange thing is how one minute you are standing beside skyscrapers in a bustling street, and the next you are in a tranquil, picture-perfect postcard. Personally, I usually avoid gardens and public parks, but I'd definitely recommend visiting this one- it's just so bizarrely peaceful. The most popular places there are in the southern half of the park (below the great reservoir) and I'd definitely advise you visit Belvedere Castle, the turtle pond, and the Mall- a walkway which you'll recognise from countless films. Unless you're a huge Beatles fan, I wouldn't go to the Strawberry Fields John Lennon memorial, because it really is just a simple mosaic on the floor, and the rest of the park has much more impressive sights.

2. Visit The MoMA
While I was in New York, I visited several galleries, including the Met and the Guggenheim. Whilst the Met was awesomely expansive (holding 2 million pieces) and the Guggenheim had some of the most astounding architecture (the building itself is a work of art and puts every piece it houses to shame), I found I enjoyed the MoMA best of all.
It was clearly being constantly updated to keep things fresh and interesting, and had 6 floors of galleries which covered everything from abstract installation work to Pop art.
One of the things I liked most was that I got to see some of the world's most famous paintings, including Monet's waterlilies, Salvador Dali's melting clock piece, Andy Warhol's Campbell's soup prints and Van Gogh's Starry Night. I always find seeing famous artwork in the flesh completely changes your preconception of it, so it really is worth a visit, especially for those with an existing interest in modern art.

3. John's Pizzeria
Found on 260 West 44th Street is America's largest (and possibly tastiest!) pizzeria. It's in what used to be a church, but has now been altered to fit 500 guests for dinner. You may have to wait about 20 minutes at the bar for a table, but its well worth it. While you wait, you can see the two old-fashioned brick ovens that cook the pizzas, and the chefs spinning the dough and adding the fresh ingredients to your liking. The pizzas taste indescribably good, and its pretty easy on the wallet too. Including tip, a large pizza and 3 or 4 drinks cost about $25-30.

4. Broadway Theatre
Whilst in NYC, you must do at least one Broadway show. It's popular for a reason, right? Right!
For many of the big shows you can pay up to $150 for a good seat, but there are half-price ticket booths and off-Broadway shows that cost less.
While we were there, we saw Pippin and Kinky Boots. Kinky Boots was really good, with witty music written by Cyndi Lauper, but Pippin was by far my favourite, and is now one of my favourite shows I have ever seen. As a costume design student, I've seen quite a lot of shows, so that's saying quite a bit!
Imagine the best acrobatics you've seen, and some of the best acting performances, and throw in some really catchy original songs and funny moments that has the audience in stitches for a good few minutes,  and you've got Pippin.
I was unsure before I saw it, as I hadn't heard too much about it, but now I just cant wait to see if they bring it to the UK.
My main piece of advice for deciding what show to see, is to not see something that's available in your own country. Why see America's version of Mamma Mia! when its available in London?

5. Going up Skyscrapers
I was lucky enough to go up to the top observation decks of two different buildings, as we had the New York Pass. I'd definitely recommend it, because it grants you free admission to many landmarks, galleries and boat tours. In fact, a lot of what we did in New York was due to the New York Pass.
We decided to go the Empire State building on our 2nd day, and we went quite early to avoid large amounts of people. There's a saying at the Empire State building- 'go early, go late, or be prepared to wait'- and it's definitely worth getting up a little earlier, because as well as missing queues, it means that less people are up on the observation deck, crowding your view.
We also went to the Top of the Rock (the Rockerfeller Centre) at night, to see the city in a completely different light, literally.
The last elevator up was at 11pm, and even the lift up was amazing as the elevator had a glass roof, so you could see the floors you were hurtling past.
I'd say it was really good going at two completely different times of day, as NYC seems to change completely between night and day.

6. Discovery Times Square

This is something a little different from the others- its an exhibition space which features many different types of shows. We had a choice between Body Worlds- an exhibition showcasing donated bodies that had been preserved via plastination, or The Art of the Brick. We chose the latter, as we had just eaten and didn't particularly feel like staring at fleshless bodies.
The Art of the Brick was an interesting and innovative exhibition featuring the works of Nathan Sawaya. Absolutely everything was made from Lego bricks, and it was fascinating to see how a simple child's toy could become such a complex work of art.

7. Sightseeing Cruise
We chose the NY Water Taxi as we could hop-on and hop-off all day, but there are loads to choose from. Most of the tours are about 90 minutes long and have a tour guide to tell you all about the city and it's surrounding Boroughs. It's fantastic to see Manhattan from the water, as you get to view many uninterrupted angles of the epic skyline. Most cruises also sail past the Statue of Liberty, and gives you the perfect photo opportunity. Did you know that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, and arrived in thousands of pieces? This was incredibly problematic, as the U.S. didn't have enough money to put it together, and almost had to send it back. However, fundraising took off due to a local newspaper printing the names of every donor on their front page, and it raised $102,000 so the project could go forward.

8. The 9/11 Reflecting Pools Memorial
It really goes without saying that this memorial is something you cannot miss. What struck me was the sheer vastness of the waterfalls, and it really showed you how big the towers must have been. Even just walking around each of the pools took a good 5 minutes.
Another thing you notice straight away is the care and dedication that has been put into making the memorial utterly beautiful and thoughtful,  saving it from being just another tacky tourist destination.

9. Dylan's Candy Bar
A complete haven for everyone with a sweet tooth, Dylan's candy bar offers three floors of mouth-watering goodies. From freshly made fudge, to bacon flavoured chocolate, to giant gummy bears, this shop really is the motherlode of candy stores. Upstairs is an ice cream bar, but most interestingly, an actual bar, serving alcoholic drinks with a sugary twist. I was gutted that I couldn't try any of them (the drinking age in America is 21) but I have been told that they are amazing.
Another great thing about Dylan's, is that their prices are really quite reasonable. And in New York, everything seems to be really expensive (thanks very much, Mr. exchange rate). So it makes this shop a great place to pick up some quirky and delicious gifts to take home that wont break the bank!

10. Stand in Times Square for 15 minutes
They say that if you stand in Times Square for 15 minutes, you'll see someone you know. Or at least, a doppelganger of someone you know. But the reason that this is on my list is because, despite all of the art galleries and amazing restaurants, what makes New York so special is the street life. Everyone is so friendly, and interesting, and bizarre, and the more you stop and just look around, the more you understand why so many songs have been written about the city. In Times Square, the hundreds of screens are completely mesmerising, set against the dizzying heights of the buildings behind them.
So my final thing I advise you to do in New York, is to open your eyes.
Take a look around, explore!
It's a beautifully busy melting pot of cultures and colours, and it needs time to be appreciated.


So there it is, my list of the Top 10 things to do in New York!
I hope you've found it useful and interesting, and if you have anything to add, please let me know!
See you soon,
Sammie
xoxo

Why I hate Student Finance England & what I would do to them if I had the chance...

So I am an art student, entering into my second year at University.
Or, at least, I hope I will be.
Because, although I have achieved very respectable grades, I might not be let back in.
Why, you might ask?
Well lets turn to Student Finance England for that one.
It turns out these assholes haven't processed my application yet. Not any one of the three applications that I have sent them, over the course of several months. And I need to sort my tuition fee payments before I can re-enrol.

So as I was having a delightful discussion with one of their employees on the phone today (by 'delightful', I mean not at all useful and almost impossible to understand due to his thick Irish accent), you can imagine my delight at being told vague answers to quite straight forward applications.
Me: 'When will I know about the status of my application?'
SFE: 'Every application is different. It could be fourty milliseconds, it could be three lightyears from now'
Me: 'Have you even received my application? I sent the last one more than three weeks ago by recorded delivery'
SFE :'Everything we receive by post takes up to 10 days to be scanned into the system. I have no record of it being in the system'
Me: 'But I sent it more than twenty one days ago'
SFE: 'Oh look, a butterfly'
*Student Finance England then hangs up on me*
Absolutely. Freaking. Delightful.

What I don't understand is how clearly understaffed they are.
What, they can't hire a few more people to scan in postal orders, or look through forms to see that everything is in check?
Yes, I know that students are a large demographic, but seriously? It's not like you can pretend to be surprised by these numbers
You do the same thing year in year out.
Hasn't one person in the company got the common sense to think hmmm, it's only Frank and Bob down there, scanning in the entire student populations' application forms, maybe we should hire a couple more people to help.
10 days to literally just scan a few pages?! Is that a joke?

Take a minute to think about it... have you ever actually known anyone, anyone at all, that has had a good experience with this company?
.....
well?
I bet the answer is no.
Student Finance England: Forever screwing people over from possibly the most financially vulnerable demographic there is.

And another thing that makes this whole situation even more unbearable?
When I go on to their website, they proudly announce the launch of their new student finance magazine!
So instead of actually getting work done, you've been pissing around releasing a magazine that no-one will ever read unless they are stuck on a desert island, and it's the only piece of literature available. And maybe not even then.
Cheers for that, SFE.

So here is a list of what I would do to the Student Finance England company, had I the chance:

1. I would lock them in a room with Keith Lemon and Janet Street-Porter.
2. I would spend my entire maintenance loan- if it ever arrives- on cooking oil. I would boil said oil, and then dip each member of staff in. (I realise this one is a bit dark, but then again, I'm pretty angry and upset right now)
3. I would superglue headphones to their ears and put 'Friday' on repeat.
4. I would enter them into the Hunger Games
5. I would visit their offices, and glue everything to the ceiling- chairs, desks, papers and all (Just like the monkeys did in Roald Dahl's The Twits)
6. I would leave them on the edge of outer space.
7. I would make them sit through Gordon Brown reading the whole of the Old Testament, and every time they fell asleep, they'd lose a finger. 
8. I would drop them in North Korea with an important-looking briefcase containing documents written in code.
9. I would attach them to Jedward, one on each hip.
10. I would make them go back to University, and apply for a loan through their own system.

Okay, rant over.
And I've got to say, I feel a little better already.
Next time, I promise I'll be more upbeat!
I just seriously needed to get that off my chest
See you next time,
Sammie
xoxo

P.S. If you hate them as much as I do, take a look at the Board members page on their website. I think this is good for a couple of reasons...
1. It helps direct your anger.
2. I found slight relief in laughing at their awful photographs, mainly because two thirds of them look like the socially-awkward guests at a barbeque. The ones where the other guests spend well over an hour debating if they'll ever get laid, and if there's any truth in the claim they have an Oedipus complex.

10 things you should never say to a pregnant woman...

Hello, toasters!
It seems babies are everywhere lately, especially with the arrival of the Royal baby and the news that Simon Cowell is soon to be a father.

 

Aside from the classic asking 'when's it due?' to a non-pregnant woman, negotiating a conversation with an actually pregnant lady can be a nightmare.
I don't know whether this is just me, or if other people are as socially awkward as I am, but if you are the kind of person that accidentally (and mortifyingly) calls a teacher either 'mum' or 'dad', then listen up.
Here are 10 things that if said to a pregnant woman, will definitely result in you having to pack up and move to Timbuktu out of humiliation.

1. Have you watched Kill Bill recently?
2. What will you do if it's black? (Most effective-if that is the right word- on a white couple)
3. Are you sure there's not 2 or 3 in there? You are fat with a capital PH.
4. It's a shame Shane is the father, especially with those genetics.
5. Didn't Jessica Simpson lose 25lb of her pregnancy weight in just 5 weeks?
6. Apparently the hormones are meant to change you, but I've honestly always found you this disagreeable.
7. I had the best nights sleep last night.
8. I think I speak for everyone when I say that the ultrasound scan picture that's set as your profile picture is not your most flattering look.
9. Did you know that there are now over 2 million single parent families in Britain alone?
10. I think your pregnancy glow just makes you look reeeally sweaty.

I genuinely said number 10 to a family friend while she was expecting a few years ago, and I have been buying her the best Christmas presents ever since, out of guilt.

My next post will be up on Tuesday evening, so watch this space!
To make things simple, just subscribe by email or Google+ (if you're not shy enough to admit you actually have a Google+ account!) to get notifications when a new post is up.
You can do all this is the right-hand sidebar

Until next time!
Sammie
xoxo