How to give someone a proper taste of London

Hello, toasters!
It's been a busy few weeks for me, as I have been working at a summer camp.


At work on Mexican Day, in our moustaches
 and flattering yellow tee shirts

No one can ever fully prepare you for working with 150 children by simply giving you a few sessions of 'training'.
I use the term training loosely as I don't really think that a few lectures discussing the importance of play can really prep you for building forts, playing dodgeball and diffusing a heated argument over silly string.

On one of my days off, I went to London with my boyfriend Dan, and the countless lost-looking tourists wandering around gave me the idea to write this.
Let me begin by saying that I am no Messiah of London, I do not know everything awesome there is to do, so this will just be my suggestions from my own experiences.
That said, I am the Messiah of the London Underground. We understand each other, no questions asked.

Let's begin with travel. Definitely get the train, it's so much better than traffic, paying the conjestion charge, more traffic and then an intense fight for what seems like the only parking spot in the whole city.
If you don't like the person you're showing around, get the train at rush hour. You'll be crowded in like a tin of sardines, so the person whom you dislike will definitely not want you to be their tour guide ever again. Perfect.

If you have a Merlin pass, I'd recommend going straight to the London Eye. The longest I've ever had to queue is about half an hour, and even on a rainy day the views are still pretty sweet.
However, I'd definitely avoid the field in front of the London Eye, unless snap-happy pouting Chinese schoolgirl tourists are your thing.
And if they are your thing, I'm not sure whether you should be out in public unsupervised.

Then take the Northern line up to Camden Lock. Even if you're not a cyberpunk/ emo/ goth/ scene kid coated in metal and eyeliner, it has something for everyone.

An old photo of me riding Aslan, the Camden Lock Lion

The coolest thing about eating lunch in Camden is that you get to feel like a total badass sitting on the motorbike seats.
But be warned, if you start acting like an asshole Son of Anarchy, or start humming Born in the USA, you will get punched in the spleen.

Because we are British, a large part of our national identity revolves around the art of tea drinking.
So it goes without saying that you need to go to at least one café during your day to unwind and have a moan about how tourists are everywhere.
I'd recommend the Haagen Dazs café in Leister square. It's a little on the expensive side, but the hot chocolate is incredible.
Once I went over the top and ordered a large chocolate brownie, covered in chocolate sauce and chocolate balls, accompanied by two scoops of chocolate cookie ice cream and rich hot chocolate.
Now I love  chocolate. But this dish was so indulgent, I never wanted to even lay eyes upon chocolate ever again.
But although I ended up feeling like an over-inflated chocolate smeared balloon, it was awesome.



Next stop: M&M world!
I never knew there could be so much merchandise inspired from a packet of chocolate, but it was a definite eye opener.
Not only are you bought face to face with the epitome of consumerist culture, you don't even care because they pump the air full of chocolate!
I don't even like M&Ms, but I genuinely left with a packet of them after spending just 20 minutes in the store.

Now maybe it's because I'm a theatre freak, but I find that a day to London is incomplete without a trip to the West End.
While there a lots of shows out there, my favourite has got to be Priscilla: Queen of the Desert.
I mean.... drag queens, a tour bus and a dress made exclusively from flip flops... what could be better?

Finish off by going to the late showing at The Comedy Store. It's where loads of great comedians started out, and frequently has awesome comedians like Paul Merton and Josie Lawrence performing.

So, there we have it- my ingredients for an awesome day out in the Capital.
What floats your boat when you're in London?
Let me know!

See you soon,
Sammie
xoxo

How to rid yourself of holiday 'friends'

Hello, toasters!

Most people take holiday pictures in front of big, flash cars, and I couldn't resist this jazzy number the city of Mahon had to offer
 

No one knows who decided it would be a good idea to socialise whilst abroad, but everyone knows it's a bad move.
I almost called this post 'How to rid yourself of unwanted holiday friends'.
I then realised that the term 'holiday friends' already implies they're annoying, not very funny and difficult to understand due to a thick Northern accent.
Just a general pain when you're trying to enjoy the sun, sea, and the handsome Spanish waiter who slips you your cheque oh-so-provocatively.
Of course, there are a few good things about befriending random families on holiday...
If you forgot to reserve a seat for the nights' entertainment, they're usually the type of people who have been camped out for 3 hours to get the very best table, and always seem to have room to spare.

(By the way, if you don't relate to having the issue of a bunch of people you don't know tagging around with you on holiday, you may be one of the people I'm talking about.)

I've just come back from Son Bou, Menorca.
We survived the first half of the holiday without a group following us about, making us feel like tour guides.
On the fourth day, we encountered Ebony in the  swimming pool.
On the plus side, she was a lovely girl who liked to laugh, and got on really well with my younger sister Gina.
In fact, it was perfect, as Ebony was constantly in the pool, so it prevented the constant flow of 'are you coming in yet?' nagging from Gina.
What was not so perfect was Ebony's family.
Physically, they were so huge and overpowering, that toddlers passing by wet themselves out of fear.
They swore like troopers, were overly touchy-feely, and complained about everything.
(They made my sarcasm look like nothing I tell you)
They also seemed to be constantly there, by the pool, in the lounge, even in the lift.
And wherever you were, they'd insist you'd come and sit, and have a long old conversation about how bad the state of the walkway was, or whatever latest thing they'd found to pick holes in.
So quickly popping up to the room to get your flip flops would take about half an hour as you'd be sure to bump into them at least twice.
When it came to their thick Liverpudlian accent, I did the very British thing by just nodding to everything I didn't catch, to prevent my side of the conversation being 50% 'I beg your pardon?'

So if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, here is a list of simple things that you can do to rid yourselves of these bizarre people...

1. Begin by stabbing a nearby squirrel with a toothpick.
2. Just kidding, but do try to do something subtly outlandish to make them rethink why they're allowing their family to be around you. By 'subtly outlandish', I do not mean making kebabs out of poor woodland creatures.
3. Run everywhere. Maybe if you can run away from them for long enough, they'll latch onto someone else.
4. Become a used car salesman and try to sell them PPI Insurance.
5. Put mildly controversial ideas into the children's heads. For example, if the father is an avid Manchester United fan, plant seeds in the kids heads that Chelsea is way cooler to support.
6. Insist they come along with you on a reeeeeally long hike.
7. Talk about nothing but how likeable the Go Compare singer is.
8. If all of the above fail, it's time to bring out the big guns.... open a tin of Pringles, share them out amongst your family but don't offer any to them. Watch them eye the tube pleadingly, and feel very guilty about it, but know that its all for the greater good.

 

I hope you can take these lessons and put them into practice next time a particularly lecherous family of four decide to be your new best friends.

Good luck!
Sammie
xoxo

101 Ways to Procrastinate

Upon first glance, you would think that the list below is merely a list.
Oh no, how wrong you are.
You see, it is much, much more than a list. It's a challenge, and a battle plan.
And, if were being pedantic, yes, it is still technically just a list but let's move on...

I, Sammie Lovatt, propose to do all of these with photographic evidence within a year. I understand that I am not allowed to explain to confused members of the public what I am doing, no matter how awkward the situation, or I am to re-start the entrie list.

So, that's my plan of action :) i'll be posting my progress up on here..... should keep me from doing actual work for a little while...

So, without further ado, here is my definitive list of 100 Ways to Procrastinate!

1.  Turn on the internet. Obviously.
2.  Organise your lingerie draw.
3.  Run a bath, sit in the shower end, and run the shower so that it 'rains' on you.
4.  Run a bath and organise a rubber duck war.
5.  Run a bath and become a raisin.
6.  See how long you can watch Mudkip 10 hours for- my record is a whole hour which I completed with 2 of my housemates. I am weirdly proud of that feat.
7. Build a card house, but use custard cream biscuits instead- it can be done!
8. Make bath jelly (with extra sparkles!)
9. Watch a million episodes of Ace of Cakes, attempt to make an amazing cake and fail miserably.
10. Download The Croods game and get addictive- we've already lost Beth.
11. Spend an entire day as a white middle class male who thinks he's an african american rapper... you know the ones i mean.... they usually wear baggy white tee shirts and say 'blud' a lot.
12. Organise a scavenger hunt.
13. Print out pictures of Nicholas Cage and hide them around the house.
14. Make a doll of yourself and friends! Proceed to then either make them outfits and play nicely or stick pins in them. I'd say the former option is more thoughtful...
15. Tie dye tee-shirts! In fact, tie-dye EVERYTHING!
16. Familiarise yourself with the very heart of the internet- cute kitten videos.
17. Learn a Disney Song in French.
18. Apply makeup to transform yourself into the opposite gender.
19. Watch an entire series in a day.
20. Actually stop and chat to the guys that try to sign you up to Netflix at the shopping centre.
21. Draw a moustache on your finger, hold it up to your face and say everything in a French accent.
22. Make a fort in the living room... you can never get too old for this.
23. Pretend that the floor is lava, so you need to stay off the ground. (You could combine this one with #22)
24. Recreate famous paintings in photographs with yourself as the subject.
25. Draw faces on each fingertip and act out a puppet show.
26. Come up with a new Yo Momma joke.
27. Watch that film you've never really felt inspired to watch even though you know you'll like it.
28. Fill a vodka bottle with water and walk down the street drinking it.
29. If you're feeling hardcore, do the previous but walking around Mothercare.
30. Play Drunk Monopoly.
31. Find a way to make custard creams better, so that they don't fall apart so easily!
32. Take a friend (or, if you're lucky to have more than one friend, take more) and go get some silly photobooth pictures taken.
33. Feed a hobo.
34. Buy a Big Issue for once.
35. Play 'Bogies' in a public library.
36. Actually eat the side salad next to the burger!
37. Take a photo with a stranger with a beard.
38. Go gay clubbing and have a fabulous time, darling.
39. Buy googly eyes and stick them on household objects.
40. Name said household objects.
41. Do the milk thing in the supermarket and feel like a bad person.
42. Be a ninja and try not to be seen in a public place.
43. Walk around with your own 'theme song' blasting out.
44. Make a list of 101 ways to procrastinate that aren't really possible- ie. Find Atlantis.
45. Do someone else's work.
46. Subtly move/ alter someone's furniture over a period of a few weeks.
47. Snail races!!
48. Make friendship bracelets
49. Find a pet shop and spend a day making friends with one of the animals.
50. Make a scrapbook of memories.
51. Make one amazing meal for at least four people, completely from scratch.
52. Make a pie chart out of actual pie. Then eat it.
53. Be a pen pal to a lonely pensioner.
54. Narrate everything for a whole day.
55. Cast a friendship spell.
56. Play & watch Yu-Gi-Oh! and get obsessed.
57. Have a BBQ on the beach.
58. Stay awake for 24 hours & see how many things from this list you can achieve.
59. Keep a tamagotchi alive for more than 3 days.
60. Try a craaazy new hairstyle, or wear a wig (that shit cray)
61. Make a Sims family of evil people in the world (Hitler, Keith Lemon etc.) and kill them in creative ways.
62. Photoshop- swap your friends' faces in various photographs.
63. Subscribe to Sammie on Toast! (and i'll love you forever)
64. Compare chocolate bars. And I mean go the whole hog and make a spreadsheet and everything
65. Visit an aquarium
66. Have a picnic in a really unusual place.
67. Complete the Bloons Tower Defence game on difficult
68. Make a Sims family, have a baby and play long enough to watch it grow old and die with no breaks
69. Make smores
70. Hug random pieces of furniture in a public place and see how long it takes for anyone to notice.
71. Pick up random objects with your elbows
72. Draw a self portrait by putting the pen between your teeth, and put the result as your facebook profile picture without explaining.
73. Lick a wall and find a word to describe the taste.
74. Make a pet rock and take it everywhere with you for a week (including the bathroom, to bed etc.)
75. Find someone with a hoodie with their name on (probably a leavers' hoodie or something) and approach them and say 'Oh my gosh! [Insert name here] do you remember me? It feels like it was only yesterday when I last saw you!'.... and see what happens
76. Become an epic photobomber
77. Go stair-surfing!
78. Make a list of awesomely random/ not at all useful things about yourself that you feel the world needs to know about.
79. Make a list of things youre not very good at, just like Jenna Marbles did. Jenna Marbles- Things I Suck At
80. Insert the names of five different chart songs into a conversation without the other person realising
81. Write a note saying 'sorry about the damage to your car' and put it on a random car.
82. Glue a pound coin to the floor and watch people try to pick it up
83. Climb a tree
84. Make your own comic
85. Look up & learn five new words from the dictionary. Just to get you started, how about 'hamartithia', 'ginglyform' and 'nelipot'... They're all real words i promise!
86. Make a bucket list
87. Search your name on urbandictionary.com
88. Dye your hair an unusual colour
89. Dont let a baloon touch the floor!
90. Play chubby bunnies, film yourself doing so, and see if you have the guts to post the monstrousity online
91. Listen to a music genre that you wouldn't usually for a whole hour.
92. Go to Wikipedia, click on the 'random article link' that can be found on the left hand side of the page, and write a song about whatever page comes up. Even if the page doesnt exist.
93. Give yourself amazing scene kid hair
94. Watch Big Bang Theory and say (out loud!) 'that's what she said' after everything Sheldon says
95. Have a flour bomb fight
96. Broadcast yourself on Youtube
97. Translate webpages into various dialects using this site. The redneck option is best!
98. Make a list of things you like about someone. Then give it to that someone & make them very happy.
99. Write a letter using letters cut out of magazines (ransom note style.... by this im referring to how the letter looks, not its content) and send it to a friend.
100. Try to melt a cube of cheese in your mouth.
101. Write a list of 101 ways to Procrastinate!

So, if you're interested in watching someone actually do all of the above mentioned things, watch this space :)

Sammie
xoxo

A Fresh Start...

So I've had a blog before. I loved it- I wrote about my life, things that I was doing and anything I wanted really. But then a few things changed in my life and I stopped feeling inspired.

In the past few months, I really feel like I've rediscovered happiness, and something that has always made me happy is writing in my blog and hearing back from you guys. It genuinely makes me day, so thank you for even reading this in the first place.

However, this time it's going to be slightly different. This time I have a plan of action. I have decided to make this blog about something slightly more specific, rather than just a collection of random mutterings.

So, phase one of my master plan- Think about what I like and what I'm good at doing

Then it struck me.... PROCRASTINATION! That's it! Well, for a start, I must be a skilled procrastinator, because I always do it. And sometimes, I do it so well, that it can be passed off for real, important work.

This brings me onto phase two- Naming my blog.

Sure, I like 'Sammie On Toast'- it's kinda quirky and well, I like toast. But maybe it would be better if I titled it as something more relevant to procrastination?

....

...


Nope, nothing springs to mind. Oh well, I'll just procrastinate a little more and just leave it. Well, I do like 'Sammie On Toast', and I was always follow the if it ain't broke, don't fix it rule.

Title = Done.

Phase three- Deciding what to write.

Now this is why I love the procrastination theme- it means I can be free to write basically anything, but I still have a slight brief to stick to, that will help me keep writing... brilliant!

So, if you'd like to hear about an 18 year old art student finding her way in life and messing around a little bit, watch this space :)

Sammie
xoxo