Tuesday, August 6, 2013

How to rid yourself of holiday 'friends'

Hello, toasters!

Most people take holiday pictures in front of big, flash cars, and I couldn't resist this jazzy number the city of Mahon had to offer

No one knows who decided it would be a good idea to socialise whilst abroad, but everyone knows it's a bad move.
I almost called this post 'How to rid yourself of unwanted holiday friends'.
I then realised that the term 'holiday friends' already implies they're annoying, not very funny and difficult to understand due to a thick Northern accent.
Just a general pain when you're trying to enjoy the sun, sea, and the handsome Spanish waiter who slips you your cheque oh-so-provocatively.
Of course, there are a few good things about befriending random families on holiday...
If you forgot to reserve a seat for the nights' entertainment, they're usually the type of people who have been camped out for 3 hours to get the very best table, and always seem to have room to spare.

(By the way, if you don't relate to having the issue of a bunch of people you don't know tagging around with you on holiday, you may be one of the people I'm talking about.)

I've just come back from Son Bou, Menorca.
We survived the first half of the holiday without a group following us about, making us feel like tour guides.
On the fourth day, we encountered Ebony in the  swimming pool.
On the plus side, she was a lovely girl who liked to laugh, and got on really well with my younger sister Gina.
In fact, it was perfect, as Ebony was constantly in the pool, so it prevented the constant flow of 'are you coming in yet?' nagging from Gina.
What was not so perfect was Ebony's family.
Physically, they were so huge and overpowering, that toddlers passing by wet themselves out of fear.
They swore like troopers, were overly touchy-feely, and complained about everything.
(They made my sarcasm look like nothing I tell you)
They also seemed to be constantly there, by the pool, in the lounge, even in the lift.
And wherever you were, they'd insist you'd come and sit, and have a long old conversation about how bad the state of the walkway was, or whatever latest thing they'd found to pick holes in.
So quickly popping up to the room to get your flip flops would take about half an hour as you'd be sure to bump into them at least twice.
When it came to their thick Liverpudlian accent, I did the very British thing by just nodding to everything I didn't catch, to prevent my side of the conversation being 50% 'I beg your pardon?'

So if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, here is a list of simple things that you can do to rid yourselves of these bizarre people...

  1. Begin by stabbing a nearby squirrel with a toothpick.
  2. Just kidding, but do try to do something subtly outlandish to make them rethink why they're allowing their family to be around you. By 'subtly outlandish', I do not mean making kebabs out of poor woodland creatures.
  3. Run everywhere. Maybe if you can run away from them for long enough, they'll latch onto someone else.
  4. Become a used car salesman and try to sell them PPI Insurance.
  5. Put mildly controversial ideas into the children's heads. For example, if the father is an avid Manchester United fan, plant seeds in the kids heads that Chelsea is way cooler to support.
  6. Insist they come along with you on a reeeeeally long hike.
  7. Talk about nothing but how likeable the Go Compare singer is.
  8. If all of the above fail, it's time to bring out the big guns.... open a tin of Pringles, share them out amongst your family but don't offer any to them. Watch them eye the tube pleadingly, and feel very guilty about it, but know that its all for the greater good.
I hope you can take these lessons and put them into practice next time a particularly lecherous family of four decide to be your new best friends.

Good luck!

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