Monday, December 30, 2013

10 New Year's Resolutions for all of us who think Wii fit counts as exercise

Here's my Happy New Year illustration... I did it when I got home
from the pub and was rather kettled... so I'm pleased that it came out okay!
Hello, toasters!
Be honest with me now, how many New Year's Resolutions have you made and actually kept for a whole year?
Nope, did think so.

The classic 'I will get fit' means buying an expensive gym membership, going once in January but find it too crowded because everyone else has had the same idea, consoling yourself with a bar of dairy milk and only going one other time in the year when you ran out of hot water for a shower.
So, I have decided to make my 10 New Year's Resolutions realistic, and also pretty do-able, giving me a much-needed sense of achievement as I struggle through my second year of uni, with only tears and pringles keeping me going.
Here we go:
  1. I will not name all of my files 'jghppiovdsksofjsd'.
  2. I will not spend three consecutive days in the same onesie.
  3. I will not share my life story with every subway worker, taxi driver and hobo whilst drunk on my way home from a night out.
  4. I will avoid using fandom-specific/meme references in front of my family- the time it takes to explain it to them is not worth it & makes me want to bludgeon myself to death with a blunt spoon.
  5. I will come up with more imaginative passwords.
  6. I will stop setting a 'lie-in' alarm. It makes me realise how snuggly I am and just gives me time to convince myself I don't have to do anything today.
  7. I will not eat all of my advent calendar chocolates in one go. I will wait to at least day three before I give up. Yeah, willpower!
  8. I will become less obsessed with Ru Paul's Drag Race... for those of you who haven't watched it, it's essentially America's Next Top Model for Drag Queens and it is fabulous!
  9. I will not fall into a black hole of despair when I finish a series. If I spend any more time immersed in Tumblr, my brain will turn to mushy peas.
  10. I will not Snapchat in inappropriate places. No-one likes a toilet selfie.
So, there we have it... my list that I will try to keep for a whole year!
What are your New Year's Resolutions? Let me know in the comments :)
Have a fantastic New Year everyone!

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Saturday, December 28, 2013

My Christmassy Week in Pictures

Hello, toasters!
It's that time of year again to attack random people in H&M for a pair of discount shoes (that didn't sell for a reason) and to desperately cobble together a New Years Eve plan.
And, for those of us who have just returned from visiting Grandparents who always have the latest bug, it's time to recover from the inevitable illnesses gained from their tropically-hot homes.
It seems that this year, besides smellies and new pots for my bonsai trees, my Grandma has also given me a winter bug.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
So at the moment I have a wicked sore throat, which is possibly a blessing in disguise as I'm losing the weight gained from Christmas due to the fact that I can't actually swallow anything.
Silver linings, right?
As I'm feeling foggier than Lindsay Lohan's head after a rough night out, I thought that today I'd post a picture-heavy post, summing up my Christmassy week!


So this week, I went to a pet store and fell in love with many small fury animals, made a chocolate santa sleigh,  constructed a train track around the living room to deliver presents and received some really thoughtful gifts!
From Dan I got a beautiful Swarovski crystal necklace (the real thing!) so now I actually have something really valuable to worry about if I ever get mugged...
He also got me a plushie of my starter Pokémon Snivy, who actually talks to me! This little sweetie has transformed me back into a 5 year old, as she goes everywhere with me and I even made her up a place at the table for Christmas dinner.
God knows how society expects me to function as an adult.
I fear for you all.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Westie Dog Speed Painting

Hello, toasters!
I hope you're all having a wonderfully festive Christmas Eve :)
For my Secret Santa present, I decided to paint my Auntie's dog, Jack, for her. She seemed to really love it, so that made me feel all lovely and Christmassy!
I thought I'd make a speed-painting video of it, and share it with you all to help you get through the drunk Uncles, indigestion and brussel sprout farts that you will have to face in the days to come.

Let me know what you think, and maybe i'll make some more :)
Don't forget to like, comment & subscribe for more.
1 sleep to go until Christmas!

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Drunk thoughts...

Hello, toasters!
Hold on a second, I need to plug in my laptop as it's just told me I have '7 minutes of battery life left' AKA 'plug me in now bitch, you have 5 seconds'.
7 minutes my arse.
Drunk selfie is drunk. Go home, drunk selfie.
So tonight I went out with my friends from college, and it was great!
Although, I did end up drinking those awful VK drinks (the blue ones that almost exactly match the colour- and taste- of the stuff you put in the toilet) because they were on offer.
I feel like my mother, buying stuff I don't particularly want/ need just because it's on offer.
I don't know if it's technically a part of the human condition, but there's something about a 3-for-£5 offer that always gets me.
And now I have a blue tongue.
So, as I was sat in the pub, feeling fourteen again  with my luminous drinks, I got drunk. I don't know how, because no one ever gets drunk on alcopops- even though we all pretended when we sent that 'oops, that was meant for someone else' text to our crush even though we all know what you are up to, you are literally being as subtle as a gun.
But hopefully you cant tell how intoxicated I am from my grammar, but that's probably owing to the spell checker (God bless the spell checker!) more than anything else.
I've already used spell check more times than I would in an essay for just these few paragraphs.
Whilst I was in the car home, trying desperately to seem less drunk than I was, I couldn't help but question the meaning of life, which progressed naturally, to an internal debate about video games.
Why, in a world such as this, do we spend far more time playing QWOP than doing useful stuff like phoning grandparents and discovering where the fuck those scissors have disappeared to AGAIN?
It certainly cant be because it's easier. I find it far less painful to have a chat with a pensioner than to try and spasm my way to a non-negative score.
For those of you who haven't played QWOP, you need to re-evaluate your life.
Or Google it. Because, as we all know, Googling something is an alternative to actually doing something.
That's another thought... Google.
Now, we all love Google, and if it shut down we wouldn't know what to do. Especially with it's closest competitor being Bing.
(I love the fact that the most searched for thing on Bing is Google, and I wonder how many CEOs of Bing cry themselves to sleep at night over this fact)
But, as we all love Google, why does everyone seem to hate Google+ so much?
Yes, it was essentially forced on us through YouTube etc. but it's not so bad.
It's basically like Facebook, with more interesting groups stuff, less random people from Slovakia adding you and less annoying 'Your Mum' pages we haven't unliked yet from 4 years ago.
Oh, I hate those pages!
Remember when it was really cool to like all those pages with funny names?
Yeah, not so funny now.
I STILL get random posts from the occasional one in my newsfeed.
I should really get to bed now, and leave my liver to have a panic attack at my drinking three times more units than I should have.
I'm sorry, liver.
Wow, and now I'm talking to an internal organ.
New low-point reached? Check.
Until next time, toasters!
P.S. Only 6 more sleeps to go until Christmas!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

It's Chriiiiiiistmaaaaaas! (Slade Style)

Hello, toasters!
Only 12 days to go!
Anyone who knows me will probably agree that I'm basically a little kid wrapped in a 19 year olds body. So yes, Christmas is still a huge deal for me.
I mean, when else is it acceptable to wear itchy 'I-think-it's-supposed-to-be-a-snowman' jumpers and to have eaten 3 packs of After Eight's before noon?!

'Tis the season.... to wear funny hats with your mother in selfies

To me, 'Christmas Spirit' is made up of three things:
  • Cheesey Christmas songs (XFactor not included)
  • Pigs in blankets!
  • Buying presents for everyone
Now the first two always get my spirits right up as soon as they come on the scene. Who doesn't love singing along to Slade (did they actually do anything else?) and eating pork sausages wrapped in yet more pork?!

The third is a little more tricky, but definitely the most rewarding.
Honestly, there's nothing more exciting and excruciatingly painful than knowing you've got the best gift ever, and waiting to see what their face looks like when they open it.
But, not having much money, this has always posed as a challenge to me.

One year, I really couldn't stretch to more than £20 for the whole of my present budget.
And I have a big family. As in, more than the Kardashian clan big.
That year everyone received homemade cookies, and called me 'original', but I think they definitely saw through my 15-year-old broke ass.

This year I've had a little more money to spend due to savings from my summer job, so I've been able to splash out a bit.
I visited the Bournemouth Christmas Market the other day, and it was magical.
The Disney Princess inside of me was overjoyed- there were ponies in a pen, carol singers, ice skaters, the whole sha-bang.
Even the little kid who fell over on the ice looked magical as they were in a Santa outfit.
And it was also a great place for finding 'gifty' things that would have taken ages to find on the high street/ internet.
'Authentic' spell book for Tarot-obsessed step mother? Check.
Bright purple candle with interesting Islamic design for Bohemian grandmother? Check.
Minion stuffed toy for overly-consumerist little sister? Check.
I got more people ticked off my list in a shorter amount of time than it takes to decide whether just a hoodie or a full coat is better to face the weather outside. Is it just me, or do I always seem to dress wrong for the weather?!

But one thing I would say about the Christmas Market, is to go with your partner. I tried to go on my own last year, but just felt sad and lonely amongst the sea of couples that looked as if they'd just stepped out of an M&S advert.
But this year, that was me! Because I was holding hands with someone rather than being forever alone, I was the one who has just stepped out of the M&S advert! My hair even had a faint shimmer to it!

I also decorated the tree yesterday, which always gets me feeling Christmassy.
Before we begin, we always choose a radio station that plays all the Christmas classics as a backdrop. However, we couldn't find a station like that yesterday, so we plumped for some religious channel, which was having a 'debate' which was becoming increasingly heated and was, naturally, hilarious.
Now I'm not one for subtlety, so I always put as many lights and baubles on as possible. Because no-one ever died from too many Christmas decorations, did they?
Here's the finished article, which I am very proud of :D

Considering that me and my sister usually get on worse than Snape and Harry, I think we did really well and only had one argument! Which, strangely, was about a piñata rather than anything Christmas related so there you go.

So, toasters, I hope that you are all having a great holiday season and are getting into the Christmas mood!
Don't forget to comment & subscribe (because it's a time for giving, right?)
Fa la la la la, la la la laaaa :)
See you soon!
Sammie xoxo

Thursday, December 5, 2013

How Every Student Does Their Assignment

Hello, toasters!
So today I handed in my project I've been working on since September, and I'm genuinely buzzing with excitement.
Its either that or the two tubes of Pringles and six-pack of Diet Coke I've ingested over the past 12 hours or so. Either or.
So this past week I've been super busy- sorry for the lack of posts, but you know... I'm paying £8,600 a year for tuition, I may as well roll out of bed in the morning and try.
And by roll, I literally mean roll.
Boy, are all those Pringles coming back to haunt me now.
Like every student, I sort of procrastinated for the best part of 2 months, doing the occasional bit of work when absolutely necessary but nothing too tedious.
Instead, I decided to focus on the more important things in life, like buying new throw pillows and mastering the ancient art of cheese on toast.
I know right, pretty deep stuff.
But this got me thinking about how students do their projects, and looking around the room at hand-in, I noticed a pattern of vacant stares and yesterday's unchanged clothes.
So, I decided that whilst it's fresh in my mind, I'd go through the thought process of every student the night before a big hand in.
Here goes...

8.00pm- So I've got a long night ahead of me, with a slimmer chance of getting a 1st than the chance that Kim Kardashian will sort her life out. Better get some snacks, you know, for motivation.... yeah, motivation, that's it.
8.30pm- I'm a Celebrity is on, I've got plenty of time left, and I can DEFINITELY do work in the advert breaks.
10.00pm- Okay, so admittedly I didn't actually do any work during I'm a Celeb, but I had my sketchbook open on my lap, so I guess that's a step in the right direction
10.30pm- Right, need to find the perfect sound track to help me power through, lets take a quick look through my iPod
 11.00pm- Well, it looks like I don't have anything in my music library that will do. Time to look on YouTube for some music.
11.30pm- Oh look, a funny cat video!
12.00am- Oh God, I only have 8 hours left. Time to really knuckle down
12.05am- Phew, I've written 5 whole sentences, that definitely deserves a 10 minute break.
12.15am- Well before I can do anything, I need the right equipment. And who can do any sort of work without a nice sharp pencil?
1.00am- Alright, so that's all the pencils in a 5-mile radius sharpened to an OCD-level point, and organised in nice straight rows.
1.30am- Man, I could use a snack right now....
*remembers supply of processed crap enough to put an entire army into a coma*
Okay, so I'll just have one teensy tiny snack
2.00am- How the hell am I supposed to work with this huge food baby?! I think a quick power nap is necessary, just to get rid of it and re-energise me for work. Half an hour should do it, no more though!
4.00am- Why did I think getting into a warm bed was a good idea!?!? Now I have to sit in my room which has is colder than Piers Morgan's heart, and no amount of onesies will stop me shivering.
4.30am- 2,000 words, here we come. Okay Wikipedia, don't fail me now!
5.00am- Damn I'm going to need some references... I'm sure that book on Lucian Freud is around here somewhere, and he's always relevant. Essay on why pop culture is becoming an overpowering influence in society? Why, because women secretly want penises of course!
6.00am- I wonder if McDonalds start serving breakfast yet?
6.15am- Come on now, focus! How can I make the 1,200 words I have seem like a lot more? Time for some double-spacing and large font methinks.
6.45am- Okay, so here's last term's evaluation.... I'm sure if I just change a few choice words here and there it'll be fine. No one even reads these things anyway, right?
7.00am- Time to attempt to make this jittering wreck of a person presentable... enough to walk to uni, grunt hellos and dump my suspiciously large-fonted work into a box.

I don't know about you, but that last bit never works for me. I always look like a car crash, and its always a 50/50 chance as to whether or not I'm still wearing a pajama top.
I even have a pair on 'mum' jeans that I wear to each hand in without fail, they're just so.... understanding.
So for those of you who still have your hand-ins to go, I wish you the best of luck.
As for me, I'll be hibernating and playing on the Sims 2 for a month.
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